drifting's blog

I think my grandfather had a computer like this. It's not even running on DOS. I don't know what this is. Whatever it is, it's old. I'm honestly surprised it runs, but it also wouldn't surprise me if I took it apart to find some high powered modem inside, so that they can record our journal entries real time. Did the others get a computer too? It seems to be the only thing that doesn't quite fit in this house.

Private to Dan

You've wandered over to Zhen's, giving me time to think. I know I think too much, but sometimes it might be good for me. I could be wrong.

When I was hanging from the chandelier, I was terrified and humiliated. After the first attack, I didn't think there was anything worse they could do to me and they proved me wrong. But when I was up there, I could see everything, until you entered the room. And then I could see no one else, only you.

I found out this morning that Dan's been with a girl. I don't know why this bothers me as much as it does. I've been with girls. I know he's had previous lovers. But this particular girl... He left his boyfriend after sleeping with her. What does that mean? Was it out of guilt? I could understand that. But then I feel like there's something more. I know Dan. Maybe not completely, but well enough to know that he doesn't just sleep with people. He's not like I was. He told me often enough. He's the sort to want something more.

It seems like, when I skip a day, I miss recording large chunks of my life. Yet, it's only a day or two. It shouldn't make that big a difference in the long run, but it does. A twenty-four hour period in this house is packed with more drama than I'm used to handling in a month, and a week might as well be an entire year's worth. It seems like I have until nightfall to get over it, otherwise it will be compounded with the next day's crisis.

Last night was... If I say amazing, do I sound like a girl? I've been thinking about it all day, thinking back to what Dan did to me, how much he means to me. I couldn't have handled that last week. If you'd asked me yesterday, I'd have said I couldn't have handled it then. But he can be so gentle and loving and distracting and... and devious. And I love that little bit of deviousness.

I met a new girl this morning. Blair. Absolutely clueless about what she's gotten herself into. How do I talk to these people? What do I tell them? Nothing seems to be appropriate. It seems like it would be wrong not to clue them in, but they really can't understand until they've experienced it for themselves. The hardest part is telling them there is no way out. That they're here for the long haul, unless the scientists themselves decide to remove them.

So much has happened in the past few days and it seems I've forgotten to write. Where do I start?

It's a little odd realizing that something I used to fear is now something I desire. This would have terrified me ten days ago, and now I wonder when I can be with him next. Writing that makes me sound like a sex-crazed rabbit, but that's not it. It's being with him completely, giving myself to him while possessing him as well, that just floors me. I've never felt like that with a girl and this has nothing to do with the physical part of it. I don't think I've ever been willing to emotionally share that much of myself with a person. They've never meant that much to me. Dan does.

To Zhen, Matt, and Torlin

Dan and I have moved in together and are now located in the corner room in the attic. Just wanted to let ya'll know.

To Dave, Katalina, and Kaori

I'm not sure who to update, or if anyone keeps track of these things, but I thought I should notify the three of you, since you have an official position of sorts: Dan and I have moved rooms. We now located in one of the attic corner rooms, next to Stas and across from Cortez.

Public Message

If anyone wants a laugh, Dan's room has been pimped out, 70s porn style. We're talking heart-shaped bed with satin sheets, a mirrored ceiling, shag carpeting, and a disco ball. Dan has moved out, so the room is open.

To the Scientists

Dan and I have moved rooms. Would you please install a deadbolt on the door, with two keys? It would be much appreciated. Thank you for the Advance card.

To say I'm displeased with the scientists today would be a vast understatement. I'm not fond of being drugged. Yesterday morning, with the alarms and the slides, was bad enough. But for them to make me sick and then make fun of me for it is pretty shitty. I'm sure they're having a great laugh.

And then there's Dan. I'm sorry, but it's not funny to see him get electrocuted every time he touches something. Who's fucking idea was that? Cruel bastard scientists.

I just can't believe it. Every time I think the words, my heart seems to flutter. I blush and giggle like a little school girl. If he's in front of me, I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I feel like such a fucking idiot and I really don't care.

I love him.

PM to Zhen

So, we have slides! While they weren't all that exciting at 4am this morning, now they make me think of you. I was thinking that we put some pillows at the bottom and have some fun. Interested?

Also, I have news. Even if you're not up to sliding, I'd love to come and talk with you.

Nic

Service Announcement

Today I was exposed to random bouts of laughter every ten minutes or so. To my knowledge, there was at least one other person dealing with this in the house.

I also know that at least one person was locked out of the house, sans clothing.

Greg is dead. The scientists have blamed wolves and I'm now jaded enough to say I don't believe them. I don't believe that's the whole story. Wolves. And he just happened to get attacked while their cameras were out. Let it be known that these cameras did nothing to help track him down again.

I would have kept searching, though. If it was me, I'd have wanted to be found.

When I signed up for this, I thought I'd be safe. With the knowledge that one of my housemates was just eaten by a pack of wolves, I hardly think 'safe' applies.

Eight days. Dan and I have been together, officially, for eight days at this point, and he's told me he loves me. Thinking about that makes me smile, makes my heart beat a bit faster. I don't think I've ever had anyone love me the way I think he loves me. It's in his eyes, the way he touches me, speaks to me, the little things he does. But it's only been eight days. I won't deny him the way he feels, but I couldn't return the sentiment. I wanted to. I still want to. But that, more than anything, makes me feel like we're moving too fast. Unfortunately, it's one of the few things we can't exactly stop. And I wouldn't want to. I don't want us to lie to each other. And the fact that he loves me makes me feel special. There's nothing wrong with it.

It's more that, I don't know how I feel. I know that when he smiles, it makes me want to smile. I'd do anything to make him happy. I want to fall asleep with him in my arms, and I want to wake up to kiss him good morning. I want to laugh with him, hold him when he's sad, and be there for him like he's been there for me. Being with him is the bright spot in my day. I'd do anything t keep him safe, and if anyone hurt him, I think I'd kill them. Hopefully not kill. Just seriously maim.

And this is terrifying. I've never felt so strongly for a single person in my life. And it should definitely take longer than eight days to feel it. But then, who am I kidding? This didn't start the day we made things official. I've been here since the fifth and Dan's probably the only person I've seen almost every day since I've arrived. If we were dating out of this environment, I would never spend this much time with him. That's not to say I wouldn't want to, but it's not practical. We wouldn't have been living together, to start with. And I can't not take into account the trauma that's occurred since my arrival.

But it's also brought about a new set of fears. What if they hurt him? What if they take him away? I know we have a meeting place set up, but how would I get through the rest of the year without him? The thought turns my stomach. He's right in that he makes me weak and makes me a target, but I can't imagine not having him here to wake up to. I would rather suffer than lose him. That's a scary feeling, and not one that I'm up to sharing.

Maybe I love him, but I still need time to swallow that. It shouldn't give me chills. It should make me warm and fuzzy, right? Especially knowing that he loves me, too. It's too new. Too fast. Not because I don't feel it, but because I need the time to accept it. I want to get to a point where I can tell him with a smile on my face. At the rate we're going, that couldn't be more than a couple of days. Fuck. I need to remember to breathe.

Lina won the vote for our new authority figure. She had my vote. I honestly can't think of anyone else that should have been on the list. It was really only between Erich and Lina.

I know Erich a bit better. Perhaps he should have been on the top of my list. But the one time he tried to have a group meeting, it failed miserably. He hasn't been here long enough to really be an authority figure. Katalina has been here a while. She's seen enough to know what works and what doesn't. And she put out a better argument than Erich, point blank. I know it wasn't an attempt to get people to vote for her. It felt more like she was just letting everyone know how it was.

I don't know where this puts my case with the meat locker. I hope it's not forgotten, mostly because it could always happen again. Or worse. Torlin's been given a warning. Shouldn't Lina know about it? Maybe I'll talk to her about it in a bit, but she just got the role. I don't like stepping on anyone's toes, but I don't like not feeling safe either.

Too many people keep these things quiet. I know why they do, and I did it myself, but it's not helping.

Everett has resigned. Nominations are up for a new authority figure in the house. Having just made complaints to Kaori, I can't help but worry that I had a play in this. If I did, I'm not sure how I feel about it. From where I stand, Everett did not appear to be doing his job. He never asked for my side of the story. He never even looked into it. Maybe it was because I was on drugs, but he didn't even know that tidbit until a great deal later. And what kind of a cop blames the victim? He might as well have told me I had it coming.

Emergency Contact List

Primary Contacts: Dan and Zhen

Secondary Contacts: Torlin, Matt, Stefan

Neighbors: Greg and Gavin

Previous Attacks:
MARCH 7 - Woke up in the meat locker
MARCH 14 - Pictures posted from the meat locker incident
MARCH 18 - Someone spray-painted my door

It is Torlin's post, and only that, that keeps me from tracking down Stefan and beating the ever-loving shit out of him. After all that, he deserves to be in pain, to cry like a little girl, as I don't exactly think he's suffered enough compared to those he's hurt. I'm now positive that he was the one who hurt Zhen, and knowing how makes it so much worse. It's one thing to flirt, but to shamelessly solicit sex from your friends is just wrong. He goes a step further and blames her! I'm not foolish enough to think she's the first to turn him down, though I do think she may have been the first to bite back.

It's unfortunate that Torlin so easily forgives him. She says 'he's apologized a billion times', but I think that's all it is. It's words. Words that won't make a fucking difference because he'll make no attempt to change. And by accepting his words, she's telling him that that's all he needs to give. He'll continue to fuck her, and she'll hope for more than a fuck.

And she leaves one major point out of her rant-- she loves him. Of course she'll forgive him. If she doesn't, then he'll never love her back.

She didn't come out and say it, but when I put things together, that's what I hear. I remember our discussion before everyone's sex lives were exposed. She knows better. She does. Perhaps he's like a drug to her. He makes her feel special, so she loves him. I hope it's not based on personality because, really, he'd leave her for something better. She could do better. I hate to think she's that desperate.

Sex isn't a requirement in friendship, she says. Somehow she's missed the point that, once sex is involved, it's either more than friendship, or one person is using the other. They don't go together. Friends with benefits is rarely beneficial for both parties involved. In her case, she gets to hope for more, while he gets a piece of ass. Unless he grows a heart, I doubt that's gonna change. Guess who'll be the one hurt in the end?

Someone needs to mess up his pretty fucking face. Or break his dick. Three days without the ability to get it up is hardly the end of the world. Yeah, it sucks, but it obviously wasn't long enough for him. He should be the one writing out the long apology, not the girl he hurt. What's that say about him as a person?

Maybe I'm being a complete hypocrite. I hope not. I hope I'm never that much of a bastard.