to forgive and forget? maybe not.

I was left barefoot, in a pair of pajama pants and Dan's shirt, standing outside of a burning house with no one to comfort, or cling too. Not that I need someone, necessarily, but given the rather traumatic nature of the whole experience...I don't know.

I don't want to be here. I want to be at home. With my family, and friends and my job. I don't know what I'm doing here. Honestly, I don't. What exactly did these scientists think would happen? It's clear that Dan doesn't want me here. And it goes beyond just the so-called danger and risks of this place. He was moving on, and then here I am and he has this weird sense of responsibility for me now. It's very basic, I've realized. He doesn't want anything to do with me other than making sure I'm still breathing and in one piece. I suppose I can't blame him. Things are still awkward, he's still with Nic and quite simply, I'm not a part of his life anymore. The only reason I am now is because of the scientists and my own stupidity.

I know I told him I forgave him for leaving me. I continually tell myself that I have. That it's the past. That maybe we can move forward and be friends. But sometimes, when I see him, I get angry again. I just don't understand it. We were best mates. I told him things I'd never told anyone in my life. I trusted him. Loved him. Things got messy, I understand that - but then he tossed all of that away and he left. Disappeared. Abandoned me. He got scared and ran. Joined some experiment where he'd never have to see or talk to me and in the meanwhile, find someone new to completely forget all the baggage he left behind.

What's worse? He would have never contacted me again, even after leaving this place. Not even to apologize. He was forced to deal with the issues because the situation forced him too. Maybe I haven't forgiven him yet. Maybe I don't want to. I'm here because of him. I've lost things that matter to me, because of him. All the misery in my life? Over the past six months? Have been because of him.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm letting hurt feelings and a broken heart see things in a way that'll make this easier to get through. Anger is better than tears. I learned that a long time ago. I need to move on. I have too. It's the only way I'm going to retain my sanity through this experience. He made his choices, and I need to accept them and get on with things.