Middle of the Night - Private Journal Entry

Sarah. Sarah Tanner. A girl I never expected to see again.

I’m so confused, everything’s happening so fast and all at once and there are all these issues piled high, one on top of another. I don’t know what to do, to think any more. I don’t even know where to start dealing with everything. I know I’m not sleeping – not tonight. It’s still dark out and Nic’s asleep, I’m writing this by the light of the screen and it’s private. You know, not five hours ago, Nic and I were promising no more secr3ets, and here am I tapping away with half an eye on the bed so that I can hide this if he wakes up. I had half a mind to go down to the library, but I wouldn’t leave him alone. He was just by the window when I woke up earlier on and I almost panicked. I’d prefer not to write this at all than to risk doing that to him.

Maybe that’s where to start – with Nic. He told me tonight what happened to him, before he came here. I knew about the pills already, of course. I knew that he’d had something of a problem with them. We’ve talked about this before, several times. I trust him when he says he doesn’t need them anymore. Of course, I’m in no hurry to test that theory – the pills stay with Zhen.

My priorities, I realise, are fucked. When I got told that he woke up alone, knowing he’d had sex and in a room covered in blood I was – jealous. That’s fucked. But I was – the idea of someone else... of him being with someone else...

I’m insane. It’s not like I didn’t know. Not like I was under some impression he was a virgin or something. On the contrary, I knew very well – too well maybe. But I was, I was jealous.

Maybe it’s the stress of Sarah turning up. Maybe it was because he’s hardly touched me since we were attacked. I have no idea, but there it was, irrational as that may seem. I can’t explain it, I’ve never felt anything like it. Sure, I’ve been jealous before, but – not like that.

As for the rest, the blood. I don’t know. At first I thought that maybe it had just been some pretty heavy sex games (possibly another reason why I was jealous – not that I’m really in to that kind of thing, but... thinking of Nic doing that with someone else. I dunno, like I said, I’m trying to rationalise the irrational), but when he when more into detail – it sounded like something more than that. But surely if he’d actually hurt someone, they would still have been there? Or they would have called the police. Or something.

I think I’m having trouble being worried about something we can’t know anything about.

I’m more concerned for Nic with the idea that they might know. That one morning we’re going to wake up and there’s going to be what really happened (or what they say really happened, because how would we know?) splashed across the entire house. And I don’t think Nic would deal too well with that. I know my boy and he doesn’t deal well with public humiliation. But I’ll be there for him and so will Zhen.

I wonder if he’s told her yet – I should encourage him to tell her. If there’s a chance that they’ll do this, the more people he has who have been forewarned and who can support him, the better.

But for now, it is what it is. I don’t blame him for keeping if from me – it can’t have been easy to say. I get the feeling, though, that he thought I would react very differently to how I did. I think that maybe he was worried I’d be mad at him. Or scared. Or... something. Afraid, maybe.

I could never be scared of Nic – I know him. I haven’t known him that long, but we’ve spent so much time together and nothing about him has scared me yet. I can’t imagine anything ever will. I trust him.

I disappointed him though – I could see it in his eyes, in his whole body, when I told him about Sarah. I know he feels that I should have told him before. That I should have told him when he was dealing with having feelings for me. You know, a couple of times I actually tried to tell him, tried to steer the conversation in that direction, but he didn’t want to know. And I couldn’t force it – and anyway, the situation was completely different.

He’s bisexual. I’m... I have no idea what I am. Okay, I had feelings for a woman. One woman. That doesn’t make me bisexual. That makes her, different – special. And even then I don’t – I ran away from it. Obviously I have no wish to take it any further.

I’m not bisexual. I’m gay – I’ve always been gay.

You know, he actually asked me if I wanted her? Said I could have a ‘normal’ life. That hurt – the ‘normal’ thing. As if what we share is abnormal in some way. Does he still see it as wrong? I thought he’d got over that – I really did.

What if he hasn’t? What if he never does? How are we going to last, out in the real world, if he thinks that what we have is wrong and bad. I know he enjoys it, I believe he loves me, but is that going to be enough? How will we last if society makes him miserable? If he honestly believes inside that he should be with a woman. Will he end up resenting me for making him love me? Will he blame me? Will he leave me despite of everything?

I don’t even think he appreciates that that can make a difference – how it can be. People here for the most part are accepting – or, at the very least, willing to ignore what’s going on. But out there – it’s different and he should know that. He does know that, but I don’t think he’s accepted the fact that if he goes out there thinking that what we have is abnormal and wrong, we’ll be fighting a losing battle.

And he does. I know he does. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have asked me if I wanted a girl I left, ran away from, just so I could be normal and have a family. As though I would settle for less just for that, as though it would tip the scales.

He doesn’t understand.

And I have no idea how to explain it to him. How do you even start explaining something like that? Maybe I could, in another time, in another place. But here and now, with Sarah right there, with everything that’s happened recently hanging over our heads...

I feel like we’re fragile right now. But I feel like we clawed some of it back tonight. He let me touch him for the first time since the attack. I tried and I wasn’t pushed away. And we were both there. I’ve been so scared that we would lose that, but I didn’t know how long I should wait, how much time to give him.

I have no idea what to do here, how to help him. I feel lost and at sea about it all. I feel that I should be doing more, but I don’t know where to start. I end up being quiet and just... there. I don’t feel I’m actively doing anything at all. Is that the right thing to do? To just be supportive? Or should I actively be doing things? Should I be getting him out more? Should I be pushing him? Would that make things worse?

I have no idea.

I’m going back to bed.