Private Entry

11:55pm

I guess this is something I'm suppose to be doing. I met Torlin. She's friendly and maybe someone I can sort of attach myself too in an non-clingy/creepy way. Just someone else in the house that seems as lost as I do. Adam was decent too. We'd agreed on swimming together. Ha. Swimming. Well, it's something, isn't it? He seems like he needs to have a bit as fun just like I do.

I just got around to building the courage enough to read Janie's 'Welcome' letter that was on my computer. And then I cried a bit more. But I know I can't be doing that for the next however many days I'm here. I want to call mom and dad and beg them to come get me, but I have no way to do that, I have no way of leaving. So I'm stuck here, surrounded by strangers, forced to watch Dan in his happy new life with his shiny new boyfriend. And he assured me nothing would have ever come from our supposed 'one night stand'. It was almost as if he was telling me that it meant nothing to him, though he didn't come out and say it. No, Dan wouldn't do that. He would tell me he's got to take some time to think, and then disappear off the face of the earth, but he wouldn't tell me I meant nothing. He didn't have too. His leaving sort of did that for him.

A year he was going to be gone. A year. I almost wanted to ask him if he would have contacted me when his year was up and he left the house. Somehow I doubt it. He did love me. At some point. I know he did, even if he won't ever admit it. He loved me, and that's why he ran away. But does any of that matter now? Maybe he still cares - enough to want me to be safe. But is that caring? Or obligation? I don't know. He's moved on. He's with Nic. And that's what I have to accept and deal with. It's what I have to see every day for the rest of my stay here. I miss him. Even though he's in the same house with me, he feels far away. But I miss him - I miss my best friend. Maybe that hurts more than having my heart freshly broken a second time.

I guess it would be lame to ask what I did to deserve this. I was fine in London. Happy, even. I was moving on, wasn't I? How did they find me? Or even know I existed?

I feel alone. Even without Dan out there, I still had my family. I have no one here.

I don't know what to do.