Private Journal Entry - APRIL 12, 2006

I found out this morning that Dan's been with a girl. I don't know why this bothers me as much as it does. I've been with girls. I know he's had previous lovers. But this particular girl... He left his boyfriend after sleeping with her. What does that mean? Was it out of guilt? I could understand that. But then I feel like there's something more. I know Dan. Maybe not completely, but well enough to know that he doesn't just sleep with people. He's not like I was. He told me often enough. He's the sort to want something more.

So was there? Was it more than just a drunken fuck? And if it was, what do I do about it? He told me he won't leave me. I have to believe that. I can't not believe that. But even if I do, I have to recognize that there's a girl in the house that he cared enough for to feel that pull. I know how that feels. Doesn't he see that this is how things felt with him? He's right; if he'd not stopped me that night in the library, I would have freaked. But that wouldn't change the fact that I felt it. I could deny it, I suppose, but...

But my problem here is that, if I argue my case, what am I arguing for in terms of Dan and Sarah? I don't want it to be more than a fuck. It just feels like... like I don't know the whole story. They were best friends. Would that be like, if I got drunk and accidentally slept with Zhen? Do things like that accidentally happen?

It makes it so much worse that she's in the house. That she's nice, and pretty, and I couldn't find anything wrong with her except the same naivety that led Dan and I to be here as well. We're all looking for something, I suppose. Or running away from something.

I know I should tell him what happened. I keep thinking about it. I don't even want to write it here, though they probably know. If they don't, I'm not going to tell them.