Private Journal Entry - MARCH 23, 2006

Eight days. Dan and I have been together, officially, for eight days at this point, and he's told me he loves me. Thinking about that makes me smile, makes my heart beat a bit faster. I don't think I've ever had anyone love me the way I think he loves me. It's in his eyes, the way he touches me, speaks to me, the little things he does. But it's only been eight days. I won't deny him the way he feels, but I couldn't return the sentiment. I wanted to. I still want to. But that, more than anything, makes me feel like we're moving too fast. Unfortunately, it's one of the few things we can't exactly stop. And I wouldn't want to. I don't want us to lie to each other. And the fact that he loves me makes me feel special. There's nothing wrong with it.

It's more that, I don't know how I feel. I know that when he smiles, it makes me want to smile. I'd do anything to make him happy. I want to fall asleep with him in my arms, and I want to wake up to kiss him good morning. I want to laugh with him, hold him when he's sad, and be there for him like he's been there for me. Being with him is the bright spot in my day. I'd do anything t keep him safe, and if anyone hurt him, I think I'd kill them. Hopefully not kill. Just seriously maim.

And this is terrifying. I've never felt so strongly for a single person in my life. And it should definitely take longer than eight days to feel it. But then, who am I kidding? This didn't start the day we made things official. I've been here since the fifth and Dan's probably the only person I've seen almost every day since I've arrived. If we were dating out of this environment, I would never spend this much time with him. That's not to say I wouldn't want to, but it's not practical. We wouldn't have been living together, to start with. And I can't not take into account the trauma that's occurred since my arrival.

But it's also brought about a new set of fears. What if they hurt him? What if they take him away? I know we have a meeting place set up, but how would I get through the rest of the year without him? The thought turns my stomach. He's right in that he makes me weak and makes me a target, but I can't imagine not having him here to wake up to. I would rather suffer than lose him. That's a scary feeling, and not one that I'm up to sharing.

Maybe I love him, but I still need time to swallow that. It shouldn't give me chills. It should make me warm and fuzzy, right? Especially knowing that he loves me, too. It's too new. Too fast. Not because I don't feel it, but because I need the time to accept it. I want to get to a point where I can tell him with a smile on my face. At the rate we're going, that couldn't be more than a couple of days. Fuck. I need to remember to breathe.