Private Message - APRIL 13, 2006

Private to Dan

You've wandered over to Zhen's, giving me time to think. I know I think too much, but sometimes it might be good for me. I could be wrong.

When I was hanging from the chandelier, I was terrified and humiliated. After the first attack, I didn't think there was anything worse they could do to me and they proved me wrong. But when I was up there, I could see everything, until you entered the room. And then I could see no one else, only you.

Even on the ground, this still applies. You asked how I saw myself, who I'm attracted to. Maybe I am heterosexual and you're my one special case. Or maybe I'm bisexual. I honestly don't know. Because, when I look around me, there is no one else. No one else I desire. No one else I see myself with. No one else that makes me feel safe, that I want to protect, that I want to share everything with. My life. Only you.

I no longer no what my life entails, but I want you in it. I don't know about my job or my family. I know friendship well enough now to say that I don't have any friends waiting back home for me. I don't care where I have to go, or what I have to do, so long as I can be with you.

Things have been difficult lately. They've thrown a lot at us at once. I wish I had more time to get back on solid ground before dealing with something new, but that's not the way it works around here. So I know I'm still trying to get over one issue when another comes up. Life isn't fair. Not in here, and not out there. We'll deal with it. I know we can.

I know I've been distant lately, and I'm sorry. I'm making an effort to change that. It's hard; I've never had a fear be quite so stifling. But it's not your fault. I couldn't get through this without you.

And I realized that they're putting you through a trial. They've brought Sarah in to test you, and I've been making you go through it without me. That's not very fair of me. I want you to be able to depend on me, to be able to talk to me when something's bothering or upsetting you. I want to be there for you like you've been there for me.

I've gone down to work out. I have the taser and Izzy with me. I left you the baseball bat. Please be careful while I'm gone. I'll be back soon.

I love you.