180degrees's blog

Fuck, it's been a while since I wrote in this, hasn't it? Guess I fell out of the habit when things started going to hell in a fucking handbasket. That'll have an impact on one's introspective time. Anyways, whatever, I have more shit on my mind now. I hooked up with Leija. So, officially, we're together. Or whatever the fuck you call it.

[music] Fake It by Seether
You know, I'm sick of this shit now. Seriously. What the fuck is the matter with this town? What the fuck is the matter with everyone in it, for that matter? Seems like most everyone I've come into contact with is fucked in some manner, with the possible exception of Lullaby--who oh yeah was gunned down the other night. That's a new kind of special right there. But everyone else...fuck.

music: breath by pearl jam
So far, today has sucked. It was eventful, but not, and I spent most of it in kind of a...haze, I think. Just thinking. It hasn't been this bad in a while, where I kind of look up and realize I've lost half an hour. Sometimes more. But my head won't stop spinning. I haven't slept. I just...can't. My head won't shut up long enough for me to drift off. I just keep thinking about her. What's she doing? Where is she? Why hasn't she called?

music: the red by chevelle
I still haven't heard from her. She's just...not around and I don't know how to deal with that. I've been trying to tell myself over and over that she's fine. That she's probably just out somewhere, probably with her boyfriend, and just because my focus hinges on her doesn't mean she pays nearly as much attention to me when she's not here. Realistically, how large can I figure in? I'm locked in the fucking psych ward. We're friends, and I know she appreciates being able to talk to me and all that other shit, but I'm not...she doesn't owe me this. She can ditch if she wants to, because frankly, who would want to keep hitting up the psych ward all the fucking time? It's depressing, and the girl's got issues of her own, it's probably not exactly the easiest place for her to visit in the first place.

music: this world by earshot
I thought this shit was done hurting. I really did. I thought it was over, and that I just, gave up or whatever. But I found out today that Dorian I guess called the parents. So they know. I just...kept telling myself that they didn't and it was easier to blow off that they didn't care if they didn't know at all anyways. But knowing that they do know, and haven't tried to talk to me at all just sucks. I never expected much of a reaction. More just like, a phonecall to crab at me for messing up Dorian's life or something. But not...nothing. Like I could have been here then gone, and it doesn't effect them what so ever.

music: Pride by Syntax
So, Leija just left.

We decided we're friends. And yeah, whatever, I knew that before. But it seems like we're kind of...better than just your run of the mill 'friend'. I sound like such a fucking GIRL She came here to talk to me. Not just visit because she does that, but really here. Because she wanted to talk to me. Like she needed me or something. And maybe that's not what it was, because let's face it, it probably wasn't, but that's what it felt like. Like maybe she can talk to me about things that she can't to other people, and that gives me some special spot in her life. That's what it all wound up feeling like, and it was kind of put that way. Maybe. Oh jesus christ I'm at that point where I'm doubting everything again. Where I sit back and look at things and wonder if everything I saw was just some skewed, fucked up fantasy of mine that my head made up to make myself feel better. Like I made her up.

I can't sleep. So I'm up writing, again. Why do I usually wait til this time of night/morning to write this shit? Maybe because I don't have anyone else to talk to around now. Unless I want to go find Ruby, which isn't happening.

music | Red Right Hand by Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds

We talked about dreams today in group. Some of these people are fucking nuts, that's clear. Okay? I know, I'm in the motherfucking psych ward, but still. Some of the shit out of these people's mouths...I know I'm fucked up, but not like they are. Or some of them. Not all of them. But seriously. I'm not that crazy. Not even close.

Current mood: indescribable
Current music: Dreams by Tv on the Radio

They tell me I'm allowed to have my privacy (to an extent). So I get my journal, and theoretically it's going to be unread by the staff, and I can put whatever the fuck I want in here. We'll see. If I get fitted for a straight jacket, and get diagnosed with schizophrenia, I'll know differently, now won't I. I met my shrink today. I don't think she's overly fond of me. In fact, I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me. But then that could be because I wasn't the most cooperative of patients. I know I have to be here, and there's nothing that can be done to get me the fuck out, but still. I don't really want to have to sit in a room and tell some bitch behind a desk why it is I cut myself when I haven't even really done that. I have to lie, and while yeah--if I really want to lie well, I can, but that's not the point. What am I supposed to say? I'm depressed?

Current mood: distressed
Current music: The Regulator by Clutch

So, I knew things were fucked up before. Really I did. I was well aware of the fact that my life, and everything in it was massively fucked. Like, in such a fashion that everything I touch turns to suck really fucking fast. And, occasionally, like the stupid fucking bastard that I am, I sometimes forget for a short while. I think I wrote about this recently, what the fuck. Didn't I already learn my lesson?

Current mood: distressed
Current music: The Rooster by Alice In Chains

You know back home, I had things deadened down. I killed most of the emotions I had, and I'd liked it that way. It was easier, not paying attention. Just head down, day in, day out, look for trouble when I couldn't quite shut out all the noise. It worked pretty well. It kept me from feeling like shit twenty four seven. The only thing I hadn't been able to kill was the anger. That was always there, beneath the surface, and it was the only one I couldn't control. I couldn't push it back, I couldn't shut it down.

mood angry

I find what hurt her, and it dies messy. Nothing gets to hurt her like that. I can't even think straight right now. She's just...so still. You know I always knew the world was a shitty place, but that's so much clearer now, seeing Ten laying there so hurt. Some things you never forget. This is going to be one of them.

Current mood: confused
Current music: The Undertaker by Puscifer

I'm sitting at Nevermore, working for Dorian, and that's fine. Easy. I don't mind that at all, and at least it's giving me a few minutes to think. And really. Holy fucking what the hell, man? Seriously. I just...I have NO IDEA right now what the hell's going on. No fucking clue at all. I thought things were fine, and then BANG they're soooo not. I'm at that stage of What The Fuck. That sort of numb, blank 'OH SHIT' feeling that won't quite go away.

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: Kimberly's Ghost by Dope

I've met new people a lot lately. I'm still getting a feel for this town, and the more people I meet, the more I think it's more fucked up than it first appears. I met a girl, Poppy, who I had a very off conversation with. I'll probably see her around because the town is so small, but I'm not sure I'll go out of my way to talk to her again. I'll have to see.

Current mood: cynical
Current music: Burned Out by Sevendust

First of all, Melia. Flesh eating mermaid. The short short version is she's fucking insane, by human's standards, doesn't get a lot of things and immediately assumes anything she doesn't understand is unimportant or stupid. Not exactly the most companionable of people. She also mentioned knowing a vampire named Val. Not that that means shit to me. For all I know, Marquette's crawling with vampires who are just better at keeping themselves hidden than others.In a town like this, you would have to be subtle, I guess.

Current mood: indifferent
Current music: Woke Up This Morning by Alabama 3

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I'm not sure what the fuck I'm looking at. Human? Demon? Something in between? I try not to fuck up, but I know I do. And lately it's harder to ignore. Fuck that, it's always been hard to ignore, but now it's just in my face a lot more clearly. Dorian seems to notice. The parents never did. I took off for a week once.