August 1 2007

Terry Dante: Terry is Madigan's insert-many-greats-granddaughter. She's a protector, and the current in the long line of Dante Protectors. She's shyish, good natured, prone to rambling, and a girl who would do anything for the people around her. She's an English teacher at the high school. PB: Unknown Model from Getty Images Playable by Taffy Killed by vampires!

Jamie

Cuntfaced whore,

Best girl ever,

... This is so retarded. Anything I write, I won't ever send. It's fucking ridiculous to think that I would. She won't ever read it, I'm sure she doesn't even care. And she shouldn't. Who am I? Just some dumb fuck she met a few days ago that happens to play in a band she likes.

And now she's good and rid of me.
Fuck.

I called Chance last night. Or. Well. Texted him. Not for really called. Calling would be something that involved words that were said, and I totally couldn't talk last night. I couldn't sleep, so I just...I dunno. My phone was there, and I could've gone and woke up Isaac I think, but I wouldn't know what to say. So, after being awake for a while, I texted him. He said I could, right? So it wasn't bad of me? I don't think it was, but whatever.

I'm confused. About everything lately, and when I really thought I couldn't get more confused than I already am? I'm totally more confused than I was yesterday. There was the party. Which was actually going well? I guess? I didn't hear anyone whispering about me, and I talked to some people. It was really really fucked up, but in a good way, I guess. Chance was there, and I talked to him for a while, and Charlie was, and I talked to her too.

You know, I thought that the height of confusion existed within and pinacled at Thom. He confuses me really bad, and moreso lately than like, in the last few years combined. Then I met Chance today, and he blows Thom out of the water in the confusion olympics. He took home the gold there, for sure. I have no idea what to think about it at all, I can't tell what's going on.

I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I'm not happy about it. And I don't know where the cat went, so I've been kinda out looking for him.

I can't get over this. What the FUCK is up with Thom?! He just decides to come help me?! Since when does he care? He doesn't! He never has, man! What the hell?????? And now, just...GAH!!! What the FUCK?! I can't believe he just showed up to patch me up. I don't know what to do about it besides try to forget about it? But...I don't know. I don't think I can. It was way too weird, and it's messing with my head.

Current Mood: cranky

Thom's a jerk. And just mean. And what the hell was he doing, anyways? For serious, what was that? Like, all of a sudden he's gonna be weird and nice to me? At a party? I kept waiting for it to be a big joke or something. I'm still not sure it wasn't. He walked me home or kinda, part way, and we were talking, and it was just...weird.

OMG, I'm so excited. I've got the new gig, and I really think it's me. I'm a smart girl, and who needs college anyways? Whatever, that's for lamers. I've bot bigger dreams than that. I'm going to be a reporter. Me and my camera are going to be the eyes and ears of Marquette, there's got to be shady secrets going down here! It's a small town, and if reading has taught me anything, it's that small towns are full of dirty terrible secrets. So I'm just going to have to dig them up! It's gonna be awesome. And I'm starting now. Not time like the present, right?

Current Mood: determined

[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Seeing Things by The Black Crowes ]

Dear Diary,
Life seems to have just crashed and burned. Badly. I don't know which way is up anymore, or something. I don't know what to focus on, either. No, scratch that. I know what to focus on. I need to focus on the dream stuff, the mine stuff. Because then I can stop thinking about that huge gaping wound that is Journey being gone.

[ mood | determined ]
[ music | Take To The Sky by Tori Amos ]

Dear diary,

Michael told me to get and wear a religious symbol. I had one from my dad, a pentacle or whatever and it's really pretty and silver, with a purple stone in the center. Amethyst? Something like that. Whatever. Doesn't matter. I'm gonna wear that one, and I gave Journey another one he sent me, it's a cross, only like, different than normal. Russian, I think. It's nice. But what's got me worried is that if I'm supposed to wear one for protection, what about everyone else? I can't not protect

mood: contemplative
music: Volcano Girls by Veruca Salt

Dear Diary,
I have a boyfriend! A real boyfriend, and it's Joshua. Yeah, I know, that happened fast, but it's okay! Maybe it's just meant to be, and that's why. Either way, it's amazing, and I just adore him. Journey says that he's really serious about me because of some look he gave him that I didn't notice. But that's okay. I'm all happy with it.

Current mood: ecstatic
Current music: Sway by Anita Kelsey

Dear Diary

Things
to do today:-

Current mood: indescribable
Current music: Dreams by Tv on the Radio

They tell me I'm allowed to have my privacy (to an extent). So I get my journal, and theoretically it's going to be unread by the staff, and I can put whatever the fuck I want in here. We'll see. If I get fitted for a straight jacket, and get diagnosed with schizophrenia, I'll know differently, now won't I. I met my shrink today. I don't think she's overly fond of me. In fact, I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me. But then that could be because I wasn't the most cooperative of patients. I know I have to be here, and there's nothing that can be done to get me the fuck out, but still. I don't really want to have to sit in a room and tell some bitch behind a desk why it is I cut myself when I haven't even really done that. I have to lie, and while yeah--if I really want to lie well, I can, but that's not the point. What am I supposed to say? I'm depressed?

Current mood: distressed
Current music: The Regulator by Clutch

So, I knew things were fucked up before. Really I did. I was well aware of the fact that my life, and everything in it was massively fucked. Like, in such a fashion that everything I touch turns to suck really fucking fast. And, occasionally, like the stupid fucking bastard that I am, I sometimes forget for a short while. I think I wrote about this recently, what the fuck. Didn't I already learn my lesson?

Current mood: distressed
Current music: The Rooster by Alice In Chains

You know back home, I had things deadened down. I killed most of the emotions I had, and I'd liked it that way. It was easier, not paying attention. Just head down, day in, day out, look for trouble when I couldn't quite shut out all the noise. It worked pretty well. It kept me from feeling like shit twenty four seven. The only thing I hadn't been able to kill was the anger. That was always there, beneath the surface, and it was the only one I couldn't control. I couldn't push it back, I couldn't shut it down.

mood angry

I find what hurt her, and it dies messy. Nothing gets to hurt her like that. I can't even think straight right now. She's just...so still. You know I always knew the world was a shitty place, but that's so much clearer now, seeing Ten laying there so hurt. Some things you never forget. This is going to be one of them.

Current mood: confused
Current music: The Undertaker by Puscifer

I'm sitting at Nevermore, working for Dorian, and that's fine. Easy. I don't mind that at all, and at least it's giving me a few minutes to think. And really. Holy fucking what the hell, man? Seriously. I just...I have NO IDEA right now what the hell's going on. No fucking clue at all. I thought things were fine, and then BANG they're soooo not. I'm at that stage of What The Fuck. That sort of numb, blank 'OH SHIT' feeling that won't quite go away.

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: Kimberly's Ghost by Dope

I've met new people a lot lately. I'm still getting a feel for this town, and the more people I meet, the more I think it's more fucked up than it first appears. I met a girl, Poppy, who I had a very off conversation with. I'll probably see her around because the town is so small, but I'm not sure I'll go out of my way to talk to her again. I'll have to see.

Current mood: cynical
Current music: Burned Out by Sevendust

First of all, Melia. Flesh eating mermaid. The short short version is she's fucking insane, by human's standards, doesn't get a lot of things and immediately assumes anything she doesn't understand is unimportant or stupid. Not exactly the most companionable of people. She also mentioned knowing a vampire named Val. Not that that means shit to me. For all I know, Marquette's crawling with vampires who are just better at keeping themselves hidden than others.In a town like this, you would have to be subtle, I guess.

Current mood: indifferent
Current music: Woke Up This Morning by Alabama 3

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I'm not sure what the fuck I'm looking at. Human? Demon? Something in between? I try not to fuck up, but I know I do. And lately it's harder to ignore. Fuck that, it's always been hard to ignore, but now it's just in my face a lot more clearly. Dorian seems to notice. The parents never did. I took off for a week once.