who: joshua and lullaby
where: the lakeshore
when: early/mid morning

As Lullaby led Joshua down the path to the water, it already in sight as she walked, she felt sick. Absolutely sick. Just because she knew that she had to do this didn't at all mean she wanted to. Or that she thought it was going to be easy. It wasn't. It was going to be really stupidly difficult, and god. She really hoped she didn't outright lose him. She didn't want to. She still wanted him in her life, she just knew right now with as fucked up as she as, she couldn't really be with him. So what had started as a twisted feeling of ick in her stomach before she went to find him was now full on nervous nausea.

When they got to the little beach, she looked back at him, giving him a weak, weak sort of smile that wasn't a very good attempt, and it failed. He was so sweet. She adored him. She'd kept the flowers he'd so thoughtfully given her, and put them in water on her bedside table. It was the little things, sometimes. They made all the difference. But still. Fuck. She didn't want to be doing this.

Sometimes Joshua Barclay wasn't so smart. There were probably abundances of times, actually. Especially lately. But one didn't even need half a brain in his head to see that something was wrong. Very very wrong. Which was kind of backwards to him, because they'd heard reports on the news and everything that basically boiled down to the vampires having moved on. They'd survived the fire, everybody was fine ... so why were his hands cold and clammy in his pockets as he walked with her? It was probably her facial expression, the way she looked scared and more pale and had said those gut-twisting words about needing to talk to him. He didn't say anything, just looked back at her when she stopped, waiting for whatever bad thing it was.

She bit her lip, and looked at him, trying to figure out what to say. There were a lot of ways it could happen. A ton. Most of them were fucked up and wrong. She drew in a deep breath, and tried something different. "I would like our relationship to change." she said. Because she didn't want there to be an inkling anywhere in there that she didn't want a relationship with him at all. Noooo no. "I'm...right now I'm trying to deal with everything. And with my life as altered as it's gotten...I still haven't even really started. I'm not...I'm not really the girl you fell for right now, and I--" she stopped there, because if she didn't, she was going to burst into tears. A hard, huge lump was in her throat, and it was getting difficult to talk around.

Well it wasn't exactly the 'I think you suck and I want you gone now, thanks' that he'd been fearing. 'Change' wasn't 'be over'. He stood there for a moment, looking at her, a puzzled little frown on his face. Trying to come up with a proper response to that. It was how she looked, really, because she obviously didn't think this was going to be a happy or good change. They weren't co-owning a puppy. He wanted to hug her because she looked like she was going to cry, but wasn't sure if he was supposed to or not. "Change how?" he asked, because that was important. "What can I do? Anything, it's your's ..." He didn't dispute yet that she was the same girl, because he felt that she was. But he needed things defined first, he didn't quite understand.

"Right now...be patient with me?" Lullaby asked. "I'm sorry, this isn't easy. I'm...I need time. And I think right now with everything going on, and me being as messed up as I am, and--I have to kind of figure out who I am now. Or what it's going to mean, and I..." She stopped herself, took a steadying breath, and she let it out slowly. "I don't think I can be with you like we currently are while I'm doing that. I have to redefine my entire life, and I don't think it's fair to you to try dating a girl who knows next to nothing about anything right now. I don't want to lose you, I still want us to be friends, if you'll have me. But I need to kind of..." she didn't know how to phrase it, so she stopped there.

So yes, she was breaking up with him. He'd had a feeling, after the 'we need to talk' and the walk down here, but was hoping that it could be chalked up to paranoia. He looked out at the water for a minute or two, mind a complete blank as he swallowed against the lump in his own throat. She was breaking up with him. She'd died twice and now she was dumping him. "But I want to help," he said, looking back at her so she could read it. There was a plea starting up in his eyes. "I want to help you do that. I've been --" trying. But you're not talking to me. He bit it back. "It's okay to me, if you don't know anything about anything, I don't care, I still want ... you, to be with you."

"I know, and I'm hoping you still will, I'm sorry, Joshua." Lullaby said in a rush. And that was where she did start tearing. Because she didn't want this to be happening. But she still thought it had to happen. "But I can't...I can't be your girlfriend, and deal with all of this at the same time. I can't. I can't help take care of you, and I can't...I'm just not like I was before I died and I'm...I need the time and space to be able to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing. I don't think I can manage it if I also have to try and hold things together in a relationship, especially when I feel like I'm just not right. I'm so sorry, and I really hope you don't just...leave, I want to be friends and still have you in my life, but I'll understand if you don't want to, and--" Rambling. She stopped herself, and reached up to wipe at her tears.

I can't help take care of you. That wormed it's way to the front and lodged itself in his mind like a barb. He was a burden, like a child. Well that made perfect sense, didn't it? He had to have angels to take care of him, of course she wouldn't feel like she could. Especially right now. She didn't see him as an asset or even like ... a trusted friend, really. He was a responsibility. He looked down at his sneakers and bit the inside of his cheek, hard. No wonder she'd stopped talking. "I never wanted you to take care of me," he said, looking up again. There were tears in his eyes, but he was trying his damndest not to let them fall. "I'm sorry you feel like you have to. I never wanted to ... burden you, Lu," he said,eyes ticking off for a minute. "It's not ... I guess I don't see it as something that has to be held together. But ... okay." There was so much more to say, that he just couldn't get through. He had to turn his head and bite his bottom lip again.

"You're not a burden." Lullaby said first and foremost. "You just--you need more guidance sometimes than I can give you right now, properly. Like...like before this stupid vampire shit happened, you were feeling like you weren't doing enough and instead of doing anything, you kind of told me to come up with a list of things for you to do for me. Or that's what it seemed like, and I...Joshua, I'm not upset with you, you're not a burden, you're not...it's not like that and I'm sorry if that's how you took it. I just don't think I can handle almost anything right now. I still feel crazy and like everything's fucked up, and I'm fucked up. I feel wrong. And I don't want to be wrong and with you because I care about you too much to really--am I making any sense?"

He looked over her again with a frown. At least that made the lump die down a little bit. "I did not ask for a list," he said. He didn't remember it that way, at least. "I just ... baby, I wanted to help, and there wasn't anything immediate that was obvious for me to do, you know? And it's not like I have resurrected girlfriends popping up all the time, where I know what to do for them. It wasn't like ... it wasn't like I just wanted a checklist or anything. Just an idea of anything you needed. But it's ... you're not crazy, and I don't think you're fucked up. I think you're going through a hell of a lot, and I want to be there for you to do whatever I can, but it's like ... you don't want me to be. The other night when you came back, you just ... kept placating me about being okay and I knew that was bullshit, Lu, but how can I --" He cut himself off again and closed his eyes briefly. "I'm sorry," he said, a lot quieter. Not that she could tell. If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you, don't put more stress on her, it's shut the fuck up time now.

She followed everything he was saying, and bit back her own feelings on a lot of it. Her thoughts she shoved back too. They weren't helpful. "So far I've mostly felt like you haven't been handling anything well, and I feel like...like I can't really add more to that, and that when one person in a relationship needs the other, you just...you be there. It's what I usually do, right now I just don't know that I can. And maybe to you it was just an idea of what you needed to do, but for me--what am I supposed to say? You were upset because you couldn't think of a single thing I might need? To the point where you were expecting me to guide you on it. And because you were so upset about the entire thing, it really felt like if I didn't come up with something for you to do to help me, that you'd get more upset. Or nothing would be done. Like you were just dropping it in my hands and saying 'Here. Do this for me so I don't have to'. And I know that's not what you meant by it, but that's how it came across. And it's a lot of pressure on me when I don't know anything right now. I still don't even feel like even remotely the person I was before I died. And I keep feeling like that's utterly cheating you. Like just shorting you so bad and I hate it, but every time I'm around you, I get nervous, like I'm going to fuck things up, just by not being me anymore, and I...this is me. I'm not even sure what I am. I want to be there for you and help you and be with you but I don't feel like I can right now. Not with my head as messy as it is. It's not fair to you. I don't think it's fair for either of us. I'm sorry I'm as fucked up as I am right now, I wish I wasn't. But I'm still...I'm sorry."

He listened, and hated every word she said. Because this shit should've been talked about before she'd come to this decision. Yeah, he'd had a retarded bout of jealousy. It was over. He could deal and not bother her with it. But she seemed to have ... taken something he didn't mean that way and run with it. God, he should've ... done better with this. Somehow. Joshua shook his head and ran his hands through his hair and then over his face before he responded. He wiped the moisture on his jeans. "No, that's not how I meant it at all," he said miserably. "And I'm sorry it came off that way. It's not ... I don't feel shorted, Lullaby. I don't feel cheated. I feel like I've been given this incredible gift by having you back --" and I'm just fucking it all to pieces, "-- and I want so bad to do right by it. You don't have to be sorry, none of this is your fault, okay? I told you that, and that I wasn't going anywhere. You can't be there for me? Fine, that's okay, you don't have to be, let me be there for you. You're in need right now, and I just feel so much like ... blocked out. Just ... talk to me, I can make this better. Please, Lu. It was no good in the first place if it's just you carrying it, and it doesn't have to be."

She wasn't sure what to say. She took a few moments to try and get herself back under control, which didn't work so terribly well. Control and she weren't friends right now. She wiped at her eyes too and stared out at the water, before looking back at Joshua. "I haven't felt like I can talk to you. Because you tend to deal with things badly, and you get stuck on things, and again, it just feels like if I talk to you about what's going on with me, you'll fall apart. Like this is all..." she didn't finish that. About you. was where that went, but she couldn't say it. "I feel like you're having a hard time with everything, and if I add to that, all it's going to do is crash you down more. And I can't keep doing that, and I don't think it works if I do feel like that. We should be talking. I just feel like if I tell you what's wrong with me, I'm going to have to spend just as much time making you feel better about it. Like...I don't know, I'm sorry. I want to get things to a better place, and I think I can do that and we can do that, but I think we need to be able to do it as friends. Does that make sense? Can we fix that? It's different than a relationship it's different than dating, and I really don't want you gone from my life but as things stand right now, especially with as massively broken as I am right now..." she was talking faster, rambling by the end there. "God, I'm so sorry, Joshua, I'm so sorry..."

He was a burden. No matter what she said, there it was between the lines. He wasn't dealing well enough, not doing enough, not anything well enough. She thought she had to coddle him. You haven't tried telling me what's wrong with you. This whole fucking time, you've been trying to shield me from it. Soften it up. What the fuck good's that do? But he wasn't going to say it. It didn't matter, really. This was what she wanted, and fighting her on it wasn't going to help anything. No, he'd made fucked up things worse, and that was it. And he was going to kick his ass from here to next Sunday if he started crying, because fuck that. Fuck it so hard right now. Thusly it took him a minute to really answer. "All right," he said, barely audible. At least she could read it. "Stop bein' sorry. If that's what you need, that's what you need."

"I think it is right now." Lullaby said. She sounded miserable, and she wiped at her eyes more. She didn't say anything for a long time, and that sick feeling was like a dead hole in her stomach right now. Cold and heavy. "...are you okay with remaining friends?" she asked, sounding very afraid that he was going to tell her no. She couldn't help that. She'd meant for it to come out neutrally, but it didn't.

He looked at her again, though it was hard. He didn't know what being friends with her would entail. If she couldn't talk to him when they were together, how was anything going to change if they weren't? The only difference for him was going to be the lack of the physical part. It wasn't like his feelings for her were going to change. "You really think I wanna lose you completely?" he asked rhetorically. There was supposed to be a little smile attached to it, but it was shaky at best.

Her instinct was to run over there and cling to him, but she didn't think that would be especially fair right now. She gave pretty much the same sort of expression back, though hers died first. "Promise?" she asked, voice cracking on the end of it, and she hugged herself, and tried really hard not to outright start sobbing.

Fair or not, he could stand there and look at her doing that. It was either walk away or go to her, and so he chose the stronger impulse of the two and crossed the couple of steps between them. Joshua pulled her into a hug. He had more to say, but it could wait until after, because she really looked like she was about to crack completely.

When he hugged her, she did break down, and she cried. She also clung to him hard, probably a little too hard, but she did it. And in the back of her mind, she was telling herself that she was being unfair. That she'd just broken up with him, this was insane. Or at the very least, it should be the other way around. Something, but she couldn't help it right now.

Part of him wanted to bawl with her, to beg her not to do this, that it would never be the same again, he knew it, she'd be happier without him and he'd never get to be with her again and he could be better for her, he really could. But something seemingly random came back to him. It was a vivid memory of being in her room after she'd died, laying on her bed and sobbing himself hoarse, trying to bargain with God that he'd trade places with her. That it didn't even matter if she was with him, if he could just go back and fix it, and have her be alive. And she was, was the thing. She was alive enough to cry into his chest on the lakeshore. He'd been granted that. He'd just ... not done well with it. But that wasn't really important, in the scheme. So he held on to her just as tightly while she cried, and was quiet inside. For the moment.

She cried for a while, she had no idea how long. And she felt awful for it the entire time. Finally, however, it tapered off, and she was down to sniffles, and finally quiet. She didn't let go of him until then, and it was more just a stepping back than an actual letting go, since she still had her hands on his sides as she looked up at him. "I'm sorry." she mumbled again, voice not terribly coherent at current.

Joshua looked down at her as she pulled back, and had to forcibly stop himself from kissing her. It was just ... habitual impulse mixed with how brokenhearted she looked and everything. But that probably wasn't allowed now, so he didn't. He did reach up to thumb some of her tears away, however. "Some day you're gonna stop sayin' that, and I'm gonna make you a cake or something," he told her in a mumble. Then took a breath and put in what he needed to put in. "Look, I love you. And I'm gonna keep doing that no matter what we call ourselves. So yeah, I promise. If you want me as a friend, I'm here as a friend."

"I do." she said, immediately and firmly, with total sincerity. "I do. Thank you." she said, because she really did feel like she had to add that in there. With everything else going on, she really did. "I'll try to be better. And we'll still talk, and see each other, alright? I might need some time, and everything, but don't ever hesitate to text or see me or anything, okay? I mean it. I want you in my life."

He nodded. And thought that then was probably a good idea to take his hands off of her now. So he did that, slightly awkwardly, and stuck them back into his pockets. Some part of him was whispering that he didn't really believe that. That this would be the last time he ever really saw her, so he should look thoroughly. But that was probably just hurt talking. He stood there for a minute, then nodded again. "I'll get Sean and we'll ... go home," he said.

She looked miserable, but nodded. "If it's...like if the building is damaged or something, let me know, okay? Don't stay anywhere it isn't safe. I don't think Oz wanted people to leave anyways, if it wasn't safe, and I know you've got a guardian angel and everything but--" But she was still paranoid, despite being told a little earlier that the news said things might be safe.

"If it's not safe, he'll find us somewhere else," he told her, as gently as he could. Because friends or not, right now? Staying in that house? Wasn't an option. No, she might need some time, but he knew he did. Starting like now. And maybe that was selfish and part of his problem, but Joshua needed it anyway. Things were locked down because he was in front of her, the irrational would have to leak sometime. ... god, he missed her already. "Take care, okay? I'll, um ... I'll see you later," he said, starting to back up a bit more.

She almost pulled him back but at the last second she recognized what was happening there. He needed time. So she hugged herself again and nodded. "I will. Um. Text me or whatever when..." You're ready. God did that mean she'd never talk to him again? Was he just saying that it was okay but it wouldn't be? She needed not to think about that right now. "I'll um. Stay here. And...be outside..." she gave a weak smile that failed. "I haven't been outside for a while, maybe it'll be good to me. Take care, Joshua."

He couldn't say anything else, because backing away from her like that, if he opened his mouth, he would crack, and he couldn't do that. Not when she'd told him that she felt like she had to make him feel better about everything. So he nodded, tried to smile back in just a shitty manner as she had, and turned his back to walk up back toward the house. He pulled his phone out to text Sean on his way, so he wouldn't have to go back inside. It wouldn't take them long to get gone, and they needed to be gone. For a little while, anyway.

Lullaby watched him go for a little while then couldn't anymore. So she sat down on the beach, and stared out at the water, starting to cry again, though she did it quietly enough that no one would hear. God, she hoped that he would'nt be gone forever. She never wanted that.