I think I already messed it up with Mathias. I just didn't know how to respond to what he wanted to talk about before I left. I didn't know how to talk about it when I was already worrying and thinking about other things and it made everything come out completely wrong. Maybe he's right, and I wasn't being fair to assume he would ditch out on me when he was finally free to leave. But given how he'd been treating me since we met... his avoidance, his fall back bastard attitude, his explanations that his life wasn't one that was safe for me to be a part of... all of the sudden I'm suppose to expect and believe that he'd try to change that all for *me*? It's nothing against him... it's not accusing him of not being able to love someone. It's *me*. People *leave*. Either from my pushing them away, or because they can't take it anymore. I'm fucked up, I have this calling. I have issues. I don't know if Mathias is patient enough to deal with those. I just don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm just not being fair. It's just still difficult for me to just easily set aside how he's been around me since we met to fully accept he's changing, or wants to try.

Because I meant what I told him. He's here because of Caleb. Only because of Caleb. He would probably be gone by now if he had the freedom to be. He told me in Babylon he'd chose the open road, that it was his life, and this - being in Marquette - wasn't. He said goodbye and walked away. Even if he's stuck now, even if now he wants me because of that... I can't help but feel like some sort of consolation prize for Dorian's decision to take off for awhile. Again, maybe that's not fair of me, but I can't help it. And given when I told him that and he didn't even respond to or acknowledge it? It doesn't necessarily invoke feelings of complete trust to the point where I'm willing to put myself out there and give him everything I have. But if I cut him "loose" like he requested, then what? That's it? See you later, have a great life? Could I just walk away and sever all ties and be content? Could he? It's not as if he'd be hurting for a warm body at night. Maybe the fair thing for me to do would be to just walk away and leave him alone. Maybe it would save us both frustration and pain in the long run. easier said than done, I know. I care about him. I'm just not used to this.

I can't keep running in circles with him. With Judiel. I need to make a decision, I need to make SO many decisions. The only problem is, I just don't know how. It's all on my shoulders now, no one is willing to help me. Before I found out about dad, I wanted to get my life together, in order and focus. I still want to do that somehow. Judiel... he's been so patient with me. Forgiving even when he shouldn't be. Even when we argued before I left, he knew when to stop pushing and hold me instead and just let me work things out on my own pace. I need that. I went to him when I needed someone, but it's not only because of that and I need to acknowledge that to myself. But I know I can't keep doing this. I need to stop worrying so much. I need to stop being given one thing and wishing for something more. I know I don't get to live the life of the average 22 year old... and I'll probably die someday before most would... but if I keep worrying about the future, I'm not living today. I could go back to Marquette... work, maybe even take a few classes at NMU. Get my life in order and try to be happy. There are people there I care about, people I want to look after and be around. I have friends there I don't think I could just *leave* this time around. I need to grow up. I need to stop being so damn indecisive.