Chance is a fade. That's fine. I don't care about that. He's...I'll accept anything he is, really. Doesn't matter to me. He's never hurt me, not like that, and like...just knowing he's like, something weird doesn't matter to me. I'm a fire elemental, he's a fade. That's fine.

But his mom. That's what gets me. His mom killed people. And y'know, he can say all he wants that she'd like, never do anything, but does he even know? Did it ever even occur to him? Cuz like...I dunno, he even kinda said that I'm the reason he's sticking around and everything, but what if she starts thinking I'm not good for him? and for that matter, AM I?!? I just don't know what to do. I can't forget about it. I know if I saw her somewhere all I'd be able to think about is how she like...she murdered people. She killed them. And y'know, maybe it wasn't even her but if it wasn't, then she still sanctioned it. She still set it up. Is that bad enough? I think it is. I guess I don't really think that physically pulling the trigger is the only thing that qualifies you as a monster. That's kind of how I see it, I just...I don't know. I wish I had answers, I wish I knew how to do this.

I don't. I don't even know how to date someone, let alone deal with the fact that their mom's a psycho killer. And he just like...lives with her. What I guess bothers me the most about it all is that I don't like what it says about Chance as a person. I don't even really know what's gone on with him, or I don't feel like I do. Maybe he told me and I didn't listen right. I don't know. But...when we were arguing, there was just like, these arguments he had for stuff that didn't make any sense. or like, totally didn't apply. Like, has he just not thought about this stuff? Did he not want to, and that's why he was making shit up while we were talking? But why would he do that? And I get it's his mom, but still, there's just like...it's not okay. And it's never gonna be okay, and I don't understand how that happens. Or how he could like, live with her, or think that she wouldn't hurt anyone else or something. Cuz like, hello--murderer. What if she did? What if he doesn't know her at all? Cuz I'm sure it came as a huge shock when he found out.

He doesn't want me to say anything to anyone, and i get why. I totally do. I understand because it could really destroy stuff and all that but I just don't know if I can hold this in. I don't know if I'm capable of it, I feel like everything inside me is wrong. Fucked up, tainted in some way, because now it's not just Chance sitting on his mom's secret, it's me. I don't want to be part of that. I don't want to be part of silence. I don't want to be someone who would know something and do nothing. It makes me feel horrible just thinking about it.

I've had these fucked up dreams again, the nightmares they came back, I had them the other night, god they're so awful. And they're all about him and from his point of view, and there's that gun, again, and I just can't do this. I feel like I'm losing my grip on everything, and I know damn well that I never had the best grip in the first place. I feel like Chance is gone now, even though I don't know where I got that idea. But it felt like it was over. Like when he left me on the sidewalk out front, that he was walking away from me. From us. And I know that's probably in my head, and me being overdramatic or oversensitive and all that stuff, but what if that's what it really is? I don't even really know how to deal with that, we were--I really like him. And he loves me, and I don't even know what that's really like yet, I'm still getting that together in my head, but what if I love him back? Is this just going to crash and burn it if I don't look the other way and pretend I'm okay with this?