How does that work? He can't do that. He just can't. And what I'm talking about is even if he can pull the trigger? He can't take it. No and no. There's so much no going on here we're in the land that has never heard the word yes. He'd not be able to deal. It would destroy him. I can't let him do anything like it. And I'm not going to, I think he listened to me. We were talking about hunters we probably can't afford and for fucks sake now I'm doing it.

The 'we' thing. Dean keeps talking about everything like it's on us. Like, for some reason, he's just taking up all of my responsibilities with me. He's plotted to help me pay back the money for my ID, which now that I'm thinking about it we never finished talking about after I told him it was too much. But he keeps doing it. Like my problems are his problems and....yeah. He just keeps doing that. He said that I'd do the same thing. And that's true. I would. It's just hard for me to think about. Part of me still thinks what Dean really needs to do is get away from me. Like...wherever the hell he is today. But longer term than that. And sometimes I figure he will, and other times, like I don't know. When I was talking to Billy, I don't. It's messy on that score. Really all feelings to do with Dean are messy right now.

Which weirdly, isn't at all effecting our friendship. He's still my best friend, he's always going to be my best friend. He means so much to me, he's my lifeline. Or I feel like he is a lot of the time. When I left, it felt so hollow without him there. Like I knew I was cutting out this huge part of myself, even though I thought it was best (and I still kinda do, but that's another story). It's that same thing I was talking about last time, when I talked about losing him and how that felt...

But yeah the messy crap is all convoluted. Here's a really all over the place description of the situation. We're fine one minute, not the next, or he is. Sometimes he's perfectly fine with being close to me and sometimes I think he even enjoys it and it makes him feel better. I know it makes him feel better sometimes, I've seen it and then there's other times where he just like...can't possibly get far enough away from me. I swear sometimes I think that if he didn't think it would hurt my feelings even more, he'd outright leave.

Which makes me think that I should leave, though for totally different reasons than why I wound up leaving which was because I didn't want my psychotic asshole of a father to hurt him or anyone else. But when I feel like I should leave it's just to...get away from Dean. Leave him to his life in a more real sense, and...yeah. Sometimes I think about going home. And I'm sort of back off the main issues again but anyways it's just confusing and all over the place and then when I was talking to Billy about things he seemed to think I was missing something, but what does he know? He doesn't know just how bad Dean flips back and forth on everything, and right before I left, we were talking about needing each other. And all he could come up with was that if I left I might not be here to heal him if he was hurt.

Which writing it down and rereading that makes no fucking sense to me, because Dean hates it when I heal people. Or okay, I haven't gotten the chance to do it more than the once, fully, but he hates the idea. He doesn't want me hurt and I got bitched at for taking bruises. So that has got to be complete and utter fucking bullshit, and why did I not see that before right now? Billy told me Dean needs me. And I believe him he has no reason or motivation to lie to me. Or maybe he just wanted me to feel better I don't know, but I believe him. Sometimes it seems like Dean really does. Like, yesterday. When everything went to hell and...he was trying to plot out a murder and I just...again, here we are. Back where I started. He's not doing that. I don't care what I have to do to make sure it doesn't happen, but I will. At least I think he's not actively thinking about it anymore. We'll figure something else out.

But he did need me there. At least for a little while.

I made sure we had some fun time. I miss hanging out with him. Honest just...him. Me. Hanging out talking about things that aren't related to trauma in any way. So I kinda...forced the issue on that for a little while. It was nice. We talked to his friends, I finally met them, they're cool. It's a little strange though. The sort of...Dean was theirs, and now he's mine. Meeting them put some things into perspective for me about Dean, though. About why he's as quiet and reserved as he is, and why he discounts himself as much as he does. But...yeah. We had some fun non stressful time together. I sort of shut everything else in my head down, because he needed me there. So...that's what happened. He needed me to do that so I did.

I know on my end I need him. So much. Probably too much, which scares me and makes me feel like he's going to get sick of this shit really really fast, and drop me like a bad habit. But yeah. Have I mentioned things are messy and going in huge circles? Yeah there's not a lot of sense going on in my head.

Okay okay okay, trying to get back on some sort of track. I've been thinking about my dad, and the problem he could be. I don't want anyone hurt. But Billy tells me that even if I leave, I'll be brought back. It makes me feel a little trapped. Everyone's awesome, I appreciate them, everything, but yeah. I feel like I no longer have choices anymore that I always thought I had. Dean told me he couldn't let me go and maybe even if he did, it still wouldn't matter because other people wouldn't. I don't know. Anyways, I realized something when I was talking to Dean.

I haven't really thought about what happened with him. After he brought me back, I don't...I haven't thought about it. I haven't dealt with it. I guess I should. It came up and was kind of jarring for me. I felt...awful. I need to start thinking about it, work through it, but I don't quite know how. I don't know where to start? Do I need to talk about it? If I write it down here, will it make it better? Or do I need the input from someone separate? Who would I go to with that? Joshua? We're talking again, and I can't say how relieved I am about that, but this is...this is heavy. Very heavy. Dean? Hasn't Dean dealt with enough of my shit to last a lifetime already?

We'll try here first, I guess.

Okay. When I first came back, everything was a mess. I was confused, I wasn't sure what was going on, the first breath hurt, and my dad was there. And I remember feeling so relieved that he was there, because he picked me up and carried me back to where he was staying. He was just...he was there and I felt like it was going to be okay because he was going to take care of me. When I was growing up, I had this...idealized version of my dad in my head. Like how he'd made mistakes, but was still a good person, because he never forgot about me. He always sent letters and gifts and they were from all over so he had to have been intelligent and well traveled, a real man of the world. Someone who would one day meet me and we'd have long conversations about things and he'd tell me about his travels, and how he missed me and wished I could have been there.

Instead, I was shot in the back, brought back to life, and he told me he'd done the resurrecting. He told me that it was a spell, that he'd done it on me when I was a baby. That it took the lives of five people, and I'd get their time. That he'd done this, for me. And he smiled at me. He smiled at me with this...serene, pleased look on his face. Like he'd gotten me a puppy or something. Like it was something good, like he just couldn't wait to see the look on my face when he revealed he'd inflicted something like immortality on me, and killed people to do it.

He thought I was going to be okay with it all. He thought that it was fine. Like...like I was going to go away with him, and we'd start a new life in a new place, and that was just going to be it. He said there was a house on the ocean. I don't even remember where he said it was. But he said we were going there, and I could do whatever I wanted with my life, and he'd make sure it happened. He really expected me to be fine with it all. And I can't even say how much that bottomed out my life.

This is the man who helped spawn me. I share genetics with him. And what kind of person is he? A psychotic, self absorbed bastard. A killer. He...he killed people. And sometimes I wonder if he killed me. Because he just wasn't willing to wait or something, and who knows. Maybe he did it so I'd remain his 'little girl' forever. So I'd have to be taken care of, because you know? I don't really look that old. I wouldn't put it past him, with the way he acted.

When it all sank in, I couldn't deal. My mind couldn't accept it all and everything I had been feeling, all that relief mixed with confusion and pain and loss...it all gave way to fear and something else. Something that had me grabbing the sharpest knife I could from the block on the counter and when he got too close to me, I just...I lashed out.

God, I stabbed him. I jammed a blade down into another human being's arm. My father's arm, no less. I did it. And at first there was a little resistance, and then all of a sudden it was sinking in. And he growled, this rough, half shout and he hit me. I had a bruise on my cheek, but it healed up before anyone saw me again. I don't think I told anyone that. Just the stabbing part. He came closer to me again, trying for me again I guess? Not sure what he was going to do. I remember my back hitting the wall and I held the knife tight. So tight I know my hands were aching, and I was shaking and felt weak. But I slashed at him anyways, because god. I never want him to touch me ever again. He'd carried me. He'd picked me up. He touched me, and I just... he killed people. I never--thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Like I feel all over like I'm just...ick. Dirty or wrong or something.

I got his arm pretty good. I guess. I dunno, I can't assess damage very well. Not yet, anyways. I guess I can now. I couldn't then. But there was blood. And he had to put pressure on the wound. Things are a little less clear in my mind after that. I don't quite remember what happened besides he wasn't there, I took what I could, and went to the only safe place I could think of. Journey's. There was money. I don't know.

I still hate the way he looked at me. And the things he said. How he sounded. Everything about it. I know I was having a nightmare about him when Billy came into my dreams. The vampire nightmares wake me up...do I have nightmares about him too? It had been about him when Billy showed. I probably do, and just hadn't realized. Apparently, he can still hurt me, even when he's not here. I wish I could cut him out as easily as he cut me out of everyone else's lives.

I just reread that and wonder if that means I really do think he killed me. I think somewhere, deep, deep down, I do. I wonder if I can ask Maddie about that. To see if she can find out who killed me. I guess, it's something I should know. Maybe I'll see if Sophie can call her for me, since I don't think Maddie has a cell so I can't text. But...yeah. Maybe I should start getting ready to actually find that out.