I do have a couple of things floating in my head in regards to her though. One is that she told me that I scare her. And then told me it wasn't a bad thing, but she feels like she doesn't have control around me. Which...I don't know. Is that supposed to be hot? I get where it could be considered that, but for me, what that slammed home in my head was that it leaves me being wholly responsible for everything we do. Like if she's up and admitted that she doesn't have...then it's all on me, laid at my feet. Which means if I fuck up, and take things too far before she's okay with that, then things are going to go very sideways very fucking fast. I have to wonder if that's what really happened with Jamie on some level. If she really just...didn't have any control, I was unaware of it, let things go farther than I would have expected, (though I stopped her before it got too bad) and then the next day, she actually likened herself to a whore.

Good fucking christ I cannot express enough just how much I never want to have that conversation again. Or see that look in a girl's eyes. I just don't. Ever. And if that happened with Leija, I'm pretty sure I'd deal spectacularly badly. Just thinking about it has me feeling restless and unsettled, feeling like I need to go for a fucking walk for a while or something. Because what if I fuck up? I've been drawn to her for so long, I really want her. That's just the way it is. But what if she isn't--fuck I could go in circles on this forever. I just know that I don't know what to do, and I don't know where the lines should be drawn. And who the fuck ever said that I'm trustworthy enough to draw the lines? Seriously now, shouldn't it be the angel in the relationship?

Add to the list that I don't necessarily trust myself in any way around her, particularly in light of that little revelation...

Goddamnit, I do need to go for a walk. And I will, just as soon as I add in the other shit on my mind. Dean, contemplation of murder, the idea I might be a Hunter someday.

I wonder just how Leija would feel if she knew I'd seriously discussed murder the other day. How she'd feel if I went through with it. With her issues with death to begin with, and a conversation we had before, about how she's there for people but there was a little bitterness because she could be there for people who didn't deserve it...I think I'd fit that category, at that point.

So, that worries me. That she'd see me differently, or pull away. That revulsion that I expected her to have when I told her about what I was. And on the other hand? If she didn't have at least some issue with it, that would unsettle me on a whole different level. If she blew it off, I would wonder why. I would start kind of...I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't think about that before I find out. I just know to me that says bad all over it. I already still sometimes feel strange about how she didn't care at all about my heritage. Like...she's ignoring it or not paying attention to it, and she needs to. Especially being what she is.

Maybe that's what would scare me most if she just...forgave me for something that major. That huge an infraction, that's literally an affront to what she is. Because I'd have to wonder if she was blinding herself. If she really knew me at all, or if she just cut out bits of herself to stay with me for reasons I can't even start to figure out. Even if it's just willful blindness, that would be bad. I fell for her for who she was. For the girl who made me talk, who had a fire in her soul, and a bunch of other likely poetic bullshit I'm not spewing right now. We argued. All the time, and I loved it. She had this will about her, an inner strength that I could see, and I don't know what happened to that. When everything went strange, the girl I knew seemed to go away. And I'm not entirely sure she's back yet. I just keep looking for her to return fully. Where I can't get away with hiding something from her, like I did today. Which is shitty of me because I didn't want to talk about it, and I snapped at her and shit.

Okay. Here's the flipside of everything. I wonder if all of this is just me. Just me, being fucking stupid, and looking for the holes in things when they aren't there, because I'm not used to anything going right. Because in my life, nothing goes smoothly. End of story. It's all fucked on some level, or it always has been, and now I can't manage to relax even when it's not. That's probably what all this stems from. About the only thing lately I wasn't having issues deciding was taking out Lullaby's dad for Dean. Because Dean I know couldn't do it. Not and live with himself over it. It'd be mental, emotional and personality suicide for him. I wasn't really keen on that idea. But with me...I have no issue with it.

That's probably bad.