2:13 a.m.
it gets worse at night.
when it's too quiet. like now. like when i really really want to text her to see how she is, to maybe get together somewhere and just talk. i miss just talking to her. i want to tell her i've got my application half-filled out. that i'm doing something. that i've been practicing. i want to know what she's up to. i want to know how she feels. fuck, i just want to SEE her. hear her voice.
she's alive now, she's out there, but she's more out of my reach than she was when she died. i mean, she said in text that she was glad to hear from me, sent me hearts and stuff, but i haven't heard from her since. and i can't do it first. i did already. i am pathetic enough without her knowing i am.
i do much better in the daytime. yesterday, i stayed busy, i talked to my family. told Charlie that i got the cd he sent me. all breakup 'fuck that girl' sorts of songs, 'cause he's a bastard. but some of them are good. i looked up the lyrics to one of them:
wake up son of mine,
mama's got something to tell you.
changes come,
life will have it's way
with your pride, son.
take it like a man.
hang on son of mine,
storm is blowin up your horizon.
changes come,
keep your dignity,
take the high road,
take it like a man.
listen up son of mine,
mama got something to tell you.
all about growin pains.
life will pound away
where the light don't shine, son.
take it like a man.
suck it up, son of mine,
thunder blowin up your horizon.
changes come,
keep your dignity,
take the high road,
take it like a man.
mama said like the rain,
this too shall pass.
like a kidney stone,
this too shall pass.
it's just a broken heart, son,
this pain will pass away.
i dunno, it all seemed like something my ma would say. and kind of has. my new themesong, i guess.
so. not-lulu things. i'm going to be enrolling at NMU as soon as i get all the shit done. for what, i dunno, regular freshman requirements right now. we'll have to see how i do there, i guess. not sure how school from home will translate here, but we'll find out. and i'm gonna start looking for a job. i'm not sleeping a lot, i need something to do with my time besides ... this.
god i just fucking miss her
things are going somewhere. not sure where, and i'm too tired to be excited about it, but they are. i'm making them.
now maybe sleep.
