what to do
the world is slowly going to shit
or maybe not so slowly. maybe quickly. and maybe it's not the world. maybe it's my life. all over again. I did all right at Devon's funeral. I sat there. I said nothing though Devon's mother had wanted me to. But I couldn't. I couldn't even comfort Jordan. Maybe it's selfish of me. Probably, yes, it is. but I don't think I can feel anything else right now. I just feel like wallowing. being pissed off... being sad. everything in between.
this town is fucked. everything, and everyone, in it is bizarre and equally as fucked. dean - that kid at school... I could see this black energy coming off of him in waves by the time I provoked him enough to hit me. I don't know what he is. I don't really care either. all I know is that I should feel bad - using Lullaby Draven's death to do it. It was a shit thing to do. yeah. but... I don't care. that's what scares me. I don't. I tried. I dug deep down inside of myself last night after Devon's funeral... to feel something. it all feels numb.
I thought about calling Kaysen but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I sat on my bed last night staring at my cell phone, hoping maybe she'd call me. but she didn't. it's not her fault. she didn't know I needed her. she's not a mind reader, after all. isn't that what she told me? find some psychic if that's what I wanted? but that's okay. she probably didn't know Devon's funeral was last night. because I didn't tell her. she doesn't know I'm unraveling. because I haven't told her. but fuck, I wish she could just look at me and know. I thought maybe by now she would. I don't know. That's the issue here. I don't know anything anymore. she probably doesn't want to talk to me and I guess that's fine. it's probably for the better. I'd probably only fuck things up more than I already have. but if that last string holding me to sanity is gone, what then? what do I do now? should I make her happy and leave home? who the fuck knows where I'd go. maybe I should just leave town all together. maybe that'd make her feel better. I'd be gone but hell, at least I'm not living under the same roof as my mom. and I'm not upsetting her or pissing her off anymore. maybe I'll climb into a mirror and just start walking and never stop. the only issue is I love her. kaysen. I just don't feel like she really loves me. and that's not fair, she's sixteen. I can't expect her to have as intense feelings for me as I have for her. I can't expect anything from her right now. she's going through so much shit on her own. she doesn't need my shit on top of it. I don't want to do that to her. maybe it's for the best if I just leave her alone.
shit. I just - don't know. I don't know what to do. or think. my thoughts are starting to race and I can't sort through them. I'm so tired of feeling so fucking alone. I know where this leads and it scares me. but who can I tell that to who would understand? what do I do when I need someone and no one is there... what then?
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW
