Written, then shoved in a drawer.

Lullaby,

god i can't do this shit

Lullaby,

i'm probably not ever going to give this to you, so that's okay. you might not want to read it anyway, and that's okay too. there's just so much to tell you and i can't. i think i probably shouldn't call text you tonight. it's like two in the morning anyway, you're probably sleeping. maybe. you said i could, but i don't feel like i can.

i feel like somewhere everything got all off-track. i know that you've got so much to try and deal with, so i don't want you to think that i don't know that, because i do. but i kind of feel like you dying broke both of us in different ways. but instead of healing together, you want to do it apart and i don't know if that's going to work. at least for me. i hope it does, because i'd really like this constant bad feeling in my stomach to go away now, but i don't know if it will. i know your part of it is more important. i can't imagine what you've been through. it was bad enough holding you when you died (i still dream about that, you know) it must have been awful to do. and then wake up and not know what the fuck anymore.

i get all that, and that this is hard. but instead of being all the support i know i can be, i feel really shitty sent-away. like no matter what you said, you don't want me around. i mean, i can understand that too. i broke my nose and sprained my wrist today, just WALKING. there's kind of a radius of disaster around me. and i know i don't always do everything right, or say the right thing when i should, or those kinds of things. i'm not good at stuff like that. but i do love you and i want to try to do it right, and right now i feel like you cut my heart out and then wanted to go have pizza or something. i don't know how to do this yet.

i want to just start all over. hi, my name is joshua barclay. i'm 18, i like to skateboard. i'm from county kerry in ireland, it's pretty but boring. i'm cursed and i have a guardian angel here in the states with me. his name's sean, he's pretty cool. i know some sign language because of a girlfriend i used to have. i can move things with my mind, and i'm kind of getting better at it. i'm thinking about going to uni here, but i don't know what for yet. something kind of safe. i think you're really sweet and pretty, want to go out sometime?

it hurt me a lot when you said you felt like you had to take care of me. or that you didn't feel like you could anymore, which means that you felt like you did. have to. i never wanted you to do that, to try and be my ma or something. i know you're sweet like that anyway, you want to look after people. but i guess the truth hurts, because i don't know how to argue against it. i can't say 'no, you don't have to, i'm a man, i can take care of myself' because that's not exactly right. and i wish that somebody could see how much that fucking sucks. my da's a man. he works, he's got a full family, he loves my ma. he's missing some fingers, but that's okay. he does it, and now that i'm trying to do it myself, i just don't know where to start at all. i don't know if it's time or experience or what. my ma tapes up his cuts and everything, but she doesn't feel like she's his keeper, you know?

it makes me want to go somewhere else. just pack a bag, hop out the window, and head off somewhere completely on my own. that was SUPPOSED to be what i was doing, coming across the damn ocean, but they wouldn't let me go without someone with me. only i know that wouldn't work, 'cause the instant i fell or almost got hit by a car or something, sean would find me. and he'd be pissed. if i disappeared, he'd get in tons of trouble with annora anyway, so i don't want to do that to him. he means well, it's his job.

anyway, i'm getting off track. i miss you. the only times i have felt okay the past couple of days is when i'm asleep, or the first couple of minutes after i wake up, when i can't wait to see you, before i remember. sometimes it feels like it did when you died (i thought about killing myself then, did you know that?), but i'm trying not to see it that way. if this is what you need and what'll make you happy, that's what it is. i can't make you love me. hell, i can pretty easily see how you couldn't. and i want to text you so bad right now, just to see if you'll answer, or tell me by some miracle that you've changed your mind and you want to try again. but i can't risk the silence. not tonight. you made this break, you want to just be friends, so you should contact me first. or maybe i'm just a fucking pussy. maybe both. probably both.

i have no solutions. reading back, there's no answers. i'm still lost. so maybe i wouldn't be any help to you anyway, and this is all selfishness, because i need you. you've got him, you're probably all good to go. i'm sure it's covered now. fuck.

i'm just sorry, Lu. for everything. i hope you start feeling better and your life is as good as it can possibly be. i'm sure you guys will figure everything out.