Five-Year-Olds Defense Mechanisms

Who: Dean and Thia
Where: Dean's house/room/closet :-P
When: Predawn

Dawn was approaching, or at least so Dean thought as he stood by the window in his bedroom, leaning against the wall, gun clasped in his right hand as he stared out at the rain. There'd been nothing but rain all night. No vampires, no apparent danger. She was back fine and once he'd known that, he'd left her, quietly slipping out of the room and heading upstairs. She'd want to be with Joshua, there wasn't a place for him there and he didn't want to be seen to be hovering. So he'd patrolled the house - though for the past hour or so it hadn't been so much 'patrolling' as 'standing by his window looking at the rain'. And now it seemed that maybe the sky was beginning to get lighter.

Lullaby had tried to keep herself busy. Which wasn't actually the easiest thing to do when people were telling you to go rest. But she'd managed to get what she was pretty sure were bullshit little tasks given to her, and she didn't rightly care. If it was doing something, that may in some minuscule way be helpful at some point, then she wanted to be doing it. It was helping her keep her mind off of everything, and she needed that in a fairly desperate manner. When she stopped to think very much, she just kept hearing the vampires laughing in her ears, and remembering what it felt like when her throat got torn out. But eventually, it was dawn, or getting there, and she told herself she could stop. Or...slow down, at the very least. She had one other thing to take care of before she braved sleep--and she wasn't at all sure she was going to do that at all. In fact, she might look into staying up forever. Maybe Fades could get away with not sleeping, just like they could get away with not eating. It was a plan to try, right?

Either way, she headed back upstairs, though she didn't go to the room that had been given to her. She'd almost thought of it as her room. The fact that there was a bunch of stuff in there and it had been put away like it was her room lended to that fact. But she wasn't staying or anything. Walking past it, she hovered silently outside of Dean's door for a few long moments. She had to steal herself to even knock softly. He'd taken off after she'd come back, and she flat out didn't know how to take it. All she'd gotten out of Sophie was that neither of the boys had been particularly happy about her death, and while she knew Joshua was...okay in a way, she supposed, she didn't know at all how Dean was. Her mind had all sorts of helpful things that provided reasons for his having left without saying a word to her, and none of them were particularly pleasant. If she was ever going to try sleep this year, she was going to have to talk to him first. Even if she had a sick little feeling in the pit of her stomach that she wasn't going to like what he had to say.

Dean turned as she knocked - he heard it, even though it was soft. "Hi," he said, giving her the ghost of a smile and turning properly from the window. "How're you doing?" He didn't bother speaking loudly, knowing that she wouldn't be able to hear him unless he really spoke up - and that at this time? Not happening. He thought about meeting Jordan, how sign language again seemed useful - but now wasn't the time to bring that up either.

She kind of looked like she'd expected him to yell at her or turn her away or something, and she bit her lip and entered his room, though she felt weird about it. It kind of made her feel a little better on other levels though, and she didn't take the time to examine any of that. Instead, she just sort of shut the door behind herself, and walked over closer to him, that hesitant air about her still. He'd smiled at her, that was...maybe good. Lullaby was also faced with the total inability to answer the question. Because the answer was 'spectacularly badly' and she really didn't want to say that. One of her hands was tugging incessantly at one of the pullstrings of her red hoodie, and she made herself stop. Then, she said fuck it, and finished walking up to him, throwing her arms around his neck to hug him tight. Which really made her shoulder unhappy, but it was more bearable than either standing there feeling awful, or alternately answering the question.

He closed his eyes and dropped his head,his arms going round her to hold her tightly back as he felt a slight lump in his throat. He didn't even try to say anything, fearful that he wouldn't be able to. He wanted to tell her how horrible it had been, how much he'd missed her, how much he'd been so very afraid. But he didn't - he couldn't and he wouldn't. Instead he just held her with no suggestion that he would be letting go.

When he hugged her back, she felt instantly better. Actually, she felt better anyways. It was strange. She was starting to notice that she tended to around Dean, and when she was around Joshua, she felt uneasy and worried. She didn't think about it too hard though. Instead, she just stayed right where she was, and tried really really hard not to start crying. Because she definitely felt like crying. And she didn't have that same sort of idea in her head that she couldn't possibly do that in front of Dean. She also bit her tongue on a ramble that was starting to build up. About how sorry she was that she'd died again and she hadn't meant it. After that there was everything else on her mind. The things that bothered her, her fears, all jumbled up together into a big mess in her head. This was a really shitty time to start having her mind start to explode into badness. She held on a little tighter, and was shaking a tiny tiny bit, and she tried to get that to stop too. What she did manage was keeping her mouth shut, because she didn't at all trust what might come out of it if she didn't. Except for one thing, which slipped out on it's own. "Are you okay?" she asked in a shaky sort of tone. It was a little muffled, spoken against his shoulder and neck, not quite articulated properly.

He didn't say anything, but he did nod, his chin knocking against the top of her head a little. He had no idea whether she'd know what that meant, or be able to tell. He should let her go, he really should. And he would. In a minute.

Lullaby wasn't really in a huge hurry to let go herself. In fact, she could probably stay where she was for quite a long while, and be perfectly fine. It meant that they couldn't really talk, but she was still really worried about what she'd say anyways. So...maybe it was just best to hold onto Dean for a bit, and shut the fuck up. What she did feel, in a slow, vague sort of way was that he was bruised up. Nothing that drew her attention like Joshua's shoulder did, but he had some dings on him. She wondered what they were from, but Sophie had seemed fairly tight lipped about that, and Oz had quite literally dodged her, and wouldn't explain his injuries either besides to say he'd gotten them last night, and not to worry about them. She couldn't help but ease them a little, though she didn't do it all at once, and just eased a touch--she sort of had the feeling Dean would yell at her for that. The other thing that happened was tension in her started to relax some. She'd been holding onto it for hours now, and it was just starting now to let loose. She bit down on her lower lip hard, to swallow the lump in her throat back down, and was proud of herself that she managed it. Now if she could stop clinging, that would probably help too, but she wasn't so ready to attempt that yet.

Dean didn't actually notice as she took his little hurts, putting the fact that he was feeling better down to the fact that he'd been tense and wound up all night, wondering how she was doing and refusing to let himself go and find out. And that now she was here and he was starting to relax a little, feeling better all round. Eventually, though, he forced himself to slacken off, pulling away and taking a step back, holstering the gun he'd still been holding and going to sit down on the edge of the bed. He looked at her, really looked at her, his eyes going over her slowly, looking for injuries, as if there would still be ones left from yesterday. There were no, no hurts, no open wounds, nothing. Until his eyes alit on the scar on her neck, half-covered by her hoodie.

She sort of let him look her over, having followed him a little but she hadn't sat down yet. It was rather obvious what he was looking for, so she sort of wanted to happily present a healed-Lullaby. He couldn't see the scratches she'd taken from Joshua, or knew her shoulder hurt from her taking a lot of that injury as well, and she didn't actually think what she'd taken from him would show up anyplace visible. When his eyes stopped though, she twitched, immediately reaching up to cover her neck on the right side, since it was centered more there. Her gaze also was off somewhere on the floor to the side of his bed, not on him. What she really thought she was doing there, she didn't know. It wasn't like he hadn't seen it. Or wouldn't see it again, since it was a scar. But hey, there she was, trying to hide it. "I'm okay." she tried, not necessarily defensively, and the tone was totally unreadable. Probably because she didn't quite know what she was attempting to accomplish by articulating that.

Is that going to happen every time? He almost asked, but stopped himself. Because no, it wasn't. And you know why? Because this whole 'her dying' thing wasn't going to happen again. Ever again. This was not going to be a regular thing where that question ever had to actually be answered. His eyes ticked up to hers. "You don't have to do that," he said, quietly.

She'd instinctively looked back at him after a time, so she caught it when he spoke. She drew in a deep breath, and let it out, then moved to sit next to him on the bed. She sat sideways, facing him, one leg curled beneath her. Her hand was still over her neck, and she had to sort of fight to take it down, and even if she did, she sort of tugged the hood up on that side a bit more, like that might help. It didn't, really, but it was an automatic gesture. Once she'd looked into the mirror and seen that they were there, she had been paranoid about it, far too aware of it's presence. She gave him a little weak half smile. "Think I'm gonna be looking into chokers." she said.

He'd been reaching for her hand to remove it from her neck when she dropped it voluntarily and he dropped his own back in his lap, turning a little more towards her as well. "If that's what you want," he agreed, not wanting to try and suggest either way. He wasn't sure what to say on that one anyway - did he say it wasn't that bad, when it was obviously a tear scar? And would that make it sound like she was making a fuss about nothing, which wasn't what he wanted to say at all. Or did he say that she should? It was a good idea - but would she think that he was telling her it was bloody awful and feel worse? After all, she'd told him he had a tendency to over think things - and damnit! Now he was over thinking things because he knew she over thought things!

She half reached up, then put her hand back down. "I think I probably have to I mean...I didn't look at it really well, because um. You know me and the whole really hating my reflection thing...but I saw it well enough." she said. Then she paused and frowned. "...But my reflection doesn't look like I do so maybe I don't know what it looks like. Is it...is it bad?" she asked, and she actually tilted her head to the side then, and reached up to tug her hoodie aside just a little. She didn't want to too far, because there was the shoulder issues, and the fact that she'd picked up other scars too and she didn't know if she wanted to even start getting into that. But she'd noticed she'd obviously healed Billy's laceration wounds, but there were scars left from those. She didn't think those ones had looked as bad as the wound that killed her, but they existed.

"No, it's not that bad," he told her, almost sitting on his hands so he didn't reach out and touch her neck. That wasn't allowed - it wasn't necessary, she probably wouldn't appreciate it and he was sure he'd only be doing it for an excuse to touch her. Same reason he'd stopped himself from still taking her hand when she dropped it. "Lots of people have scars," he added, hoping that maybe that would make it better. Even just a little.

Lullaby gave him a little half laugh and a half smirk to go with it. "Sure they do. Lots of people don't have ones though that look like someone glassed me in the neck. Yeah. Choker. I had some at home...guess I'll...I have no idea." She sighed, and then leaned over, to sort of rest her forehead against his shoulder for a minute. "You'd tell me if it was really bad, right? You'd say? Because I won't be able to tell with my reflection all fucked up, and I'll have to know how much it needs to be covered..." Then she sat back up because she'd need to know what he said and everything.

Dean let her lean for a moment, then gently pushed her back and got up, walking to his computer and checking it was on. It was, good. He went back and took hold of her hands, pulling her up and walking her over. "Come on," he said. "Sit down." He pulled out his desk chair and gestured for her to sit, switching on his desk lamp and angling it towards her. He wondered if this would actually work - he didn't really know, but it was worth a try, right?

She of course went where he led her, easily being pulled up--she internally winced a bit at the shoulderage but hid it--and then she sat down on the chair, automatically pulling both legs up to sit indian style on it. "What're you doing?" she asked, watching him and looking more than a little confused.

"Seeing if we can get you a different type of mirror," Dean said as he fiddled with the settings and switched on his webcam, getting a picture up on the screen and them moving to play around with the camera itself so that it was pointing straight at Thia.

She looked at the screen, and immediately felt self conscious. But then she slowly tilted her head to the side as she eyed the screen. She didn't look all fucked up. "Hey.." she started, though he could see perfectly well himself, so she didn't know why she was saying that. It had her leaning forward though, peering at the screen. Then she abruptly smiled, and turned it on him. It was bright, genuine, and appreciative. "You're brilliant."

"Oh yeah - I can completely turn on a webcam," Dean said, sarcastically, playing down the matter of his brilliance or lack thereof in his usual fashion. "I just figured that maybe it'd work differently - cos it's not a reflection, it's a picture. Or something. I dunno - it might not have worked, but I thought it was worth a try. But - no using my computer to, like, do your hair or anything," he protested, but there wasn't really any heart in it.

"I'll just have to shave it off." Lullaby teased lightly, and she started to reach out to swat him for the first sarcastic comment, but her shoulder wasn't too keen on that idea so she stopped mid motion. "And get myself like...a leather spiked thick dog collar to go with. Then I'll be covered, and won't have to use your computer for girly things." Not that she'd be around to do that anyways. Did her phone have a camera on it? "And it was so smart, I wouldn't have thought of it." she added, because she couldn't not argue with him on certain points.

Dean did not look impressed by that. "Fine, whatever - use it, be like that," he told her, rolling his eyes and heading back off to sit on his bed. Bloody blackmailing women. Fine, she could use his computer as a glorified mirror and he'd just... Be elsewhere. Right. Fine.

His pouty, sulky behavior actually had her giggling a little, as she looked over at him. "I'm just kidding. I couldn't pull off the Sinead look anyways. I don't think. Does my phone have a camera?" she asked. "And you know how girly I am. I spend hours in front of the mirror...oh wait, that's like...every other girl in the universe that isn't me." she said. Then she turned her attention back on the monitor, and leaned closer to the computer to tilt her head, viewing the scar. In the end she reached out and picked up the camera, to sort of move it around her neck while her eyes were on the screen. She tentatively poked at it with her free hand. "...pretty sure that thick spiked dog collar idea isn't a bad one." she assessed. Which wasn't actually quite accurate. She saw it being a lot uglier and more prominent than it was. Really--it was very clearly there, but it wasn't glaring. Making a face at herself, she turned the camera away from her, and pointed it at Dean instead. "Guess I can give up my dreams of being miss america." she added, in a light sort of manner, attempting to make light of the whole thing, even if she didn't quite feel that way.

He didn't answer her first question right away, waiting for her to finish viewing and picking and turn round before he started to speak. "Course your phone has a camera," he confirmed, still sulking slightly. Her phone had near enough everything - that's why he got it for her. He'd gotten carried away with the gadgetry of it all. His eyes flickered to the screen, where he was shown in a wavery kind of way as she moved the camera. He pulled a face that was echoed on the monitor, then rolled his eyes as he looked back at her. "But the camera's usually on the other side of the phone from your face, so you'd be looking at stills, not video."

She still trained the camera on him, wondering if she could make it zoom in or something, but she wasn't terribly knowledgeable about such things. "All I'd need is just like...one shot to make sure I don't look absolutely terrible." she said. "So see? I wouldn't have to come over and borrow your computer. I could just use my camera. You wanna tell me why you're pouting?" she asked. "I promised already I won't actually like...turn your computer into a girly fucked up vanity. And that I won't shave my head." she added, reaching up to kind of half mess up her short hair. She'd thought about growing it out, but maybe now she wouldn't. Her mind was sort of half pulling up her memory of him on the walk to her old house, and how he'd strenuously vetoed her dying her hair too.

He rolled his eyes again. "You're not going to look absolutely terrible," he told her, resting forward, elbows on his knees. "And I'm not pouting. Just... Why are you pointing that thing at me anyway?" he asked, seeing as she was still doing it.

"I'm recording your pouting." she said. She also quirked a little half smile at him again. It was slightly better than letting her mind continue on. About how she thought she did right now. That that scar? Was going to be huge in her mind. And oh yeah, she had more where that came from. Suddenly, she realized that she was probably going to have to do some major things to hide some of those. Most of her pajamas consisted of tank tops with pajama pants. And some of those rake marks she'd healed from Billy would be visible. Shit. She'd been sort of thinking that he kinda didn't need to know about those. Maybe she'd just...make sure he didn't catch sight til this stuff blew over, and then she would invest in lots of long sleeved shirts or something. "Just what?" she asked, more to distract herself than anything. And he'd started to say something there. She even turned the camera towards the wall so that he couldn't keep complaining that she had it on him.

"Pity it's not set to record then, isn't it?" he told her, his eyes flashing with humour. And, yes, he was completely avoiding stuff. See him avoiding. Lots of stuff. Anything, really. Anything vaguely serious. He didn't even really know what they were talking about any more. Except that it wasn't that she'd died last night. That seemed important. "Just nothing," he told her, shaking his head. "Just - the webcam thing."

"Which part about it?" she asked. She looked back at the screen for a second, tilted her head again to get one last look at the scar. Making a face, she set the thing down then turned the monitor off, so she didn't have to even pretend to look at it again, and she found herself covering it over again with her hand as she looked back at him. Her mind was starting to drift over everything else again, though thankfully, it had yet to latch onto something solid again. Concentrating on Dean helped that.

"Nothing, really - just, it was for you. And then you pointed it at me and... So I pulled a face, then you accused me of pouting. And suddenly... Here we are and I don't really know how we got here," he admitted, feeling like he'd lost the flow totally over the last few minutes. Not that he was unhappy with that, but she seemed to think he should still have the flow, so that was a potential area of difficulty.

She nodded, eyes still on him. "Where did you get the bruises?" she asked. It had nothing to do with what they were talking about, of course, but in that floaty ether that was her mind, that's what finally settled. Maybe they weren't going to talk about her death, but she wanted to know what had happened to him after she'd died. Died. Then I was just gone. Poof. Away. I didn't exist, and then I was back, and I missed a day, Dean. Where did I go? skated through her mind but she kept it in.

He looked down at himself - actually looked down - as though she could see through the clothes he was wearing to the bruises underneath. Which, of course, she couldn't. It took him a moment to figure out that that must have something to do with her ability to heal. He needed to finish reading up on that. So he looked back at her and shrugged. "Dunno. Around, I guess," he suggested, reluctantly. Would she think he was mad if he told her? Probably - she'd probably shout at him. Or at least be annoyed. He would be annoyed if their positions were reversed. Though, strangely, he couldn't bring himself to be annoyed with her for getting herself killed. In regards to that he was strangely... empty. Whenever he tried to think about it, he couldn't quite connect.

"Around you guess." Lullaby repeated, then sighed. "Joshua had a hurt shoulder, and scratches on his back, and you're bruised up, Oz is bruised up but he wouldn't tell me what happened either, and...kinda sorta literally dodged around the kitchen table from me telling me I wasn't allowed to do me 'healy thing'." she air quoted--though her hand went unconsciously right back to covering the scar on her neck. "What happened here after I..." Ceased to exist.

"Joshua dislocated his shoulder before," Dean said, not wanting to put words to state what it was before. "And... They didn't stop attacking til dawn. It was a long night," he added. Not that he knew - that was just a guess and from what he'd been told. The attacks had stopped sometime before dawn, but Dean had spent most of the night unconscious anyway. He didn't know exactly what had happened.

She made a little bit of a pained face. "I'm sorry." she said. Her voice was very quiet, almost inaudible, not that that would matter to Dean. Biting at the inside of her lip again, she kind of wished they could go back to arguing about whether or not he was pouting, and vetoing use of his computer for cosmetic purposes. She didn't have any reason to think he hadn't been doing whatever. Being attacked. Which her thinking about that had her tensing up again, and she flinched a slight bit as she remembered them making her wave at the house, and the harsh voice in her ear. Scream for help, girlie. Call for them.

"Don't," Dean told her, a little more harshly than he'd intended. He looked down at his hands, suddenly intent on how his fingers were intertwined, rubbing the pad of one thumb over his other thumbnail, back and forth, back and forth. He needed to text Caleb, tell him that he was, in fact, alright. He was, really.

She flinched again at his tone, and looked away. It was a whole lot harder not to cry right then. So, she took a few long, long moments to get herself under control. Lullaby concentrated on breathing. In. Out. She wasn't thinking about how it made her chest hurt when she first drew in breath after resurrection. She wasn't thinking about that at all. She wasn't thinking about how she'd been back now for like...six hours or something and she'd had to find him, and how she didn't know why. There was only about three...four feet between them but it seemed really really far right then. Curling a little farther in on herself, she didn't say anything further because if she did, she may actually start crying, and if she didn't do that, option b was to ask him why he'd not said a word to her since she'd gotten back til like...she hunted him down. Unsure how her tone would come off she figured it would be one of two not-good things. It would either come out sounding like an accusation, or something stupid and overly sensitive or something. He probably had a right to be pissed at her. She'd told him everything was going to be alright, and it hadn't been.

He felt bad then - worse than he had before. He caught the flinch, the way her body language changed, the way she looked really upset right now. "I'm sorry," he said, echoing the words he'd told her not to use, meaning the apology for the way he'd spoken.

Lullaby had still been looking away, so she didn't quite catch the apology, and she looked down, where she was picking at her hoodie's drawstring with her free hand. She was still concentrating on breathing. Finally, she shut her eyes, drew in a deep breath, and let it out very slowly, and she made a last ditch effort to calm herself down enough to talk to him again. When she opened her eyes again, they were back on him. "I don't really think I can make up for dying on you again, and I'm sorry. I didn't...I'm sorry. But I just--is there anything I can do? Do you want me to go? You didn't...I haven't got--" she stopped because she realized she'd dropped into total incoherence there, and wasn't making any sense. But hey--she hadn't started crying. So hoo-fucking-ray for that. "I came back, and I didn't see you until now." There. It wasn't actually an accusation or even a question. It was a statement.

"Go?" Dean asked, looking up at her, wide eyed, obviously surprised. He'd caught that out of the ramble. "No - I don't want you to go. What... Why would you think that? Why would..." He was baffled, well and truly, honestly not knowing where she'd got that idea from. How could she think that he didn't want her here? After everything?

She caught that genuine surprise thing, and was massively confused herself. "Yeah. You've...I got back hours ago. And I think I saw you for like...two seconds when I got set down and everything but then you took off and you've been completely gone until I came here to talk to you, and..." she trailed off there, dragging her fingers through her hair, momentarily uncovering the scar. "Only thing I could figure was you didn't really want to see me. Or you were...pissed at me, or...I don't know. Something. Angry. Upset. Which you've probably got every right to be, and I don't really want to make anything worse right now."

He was staring now, taking that in. And then felt like he'd really fucked up, done something really wrong. See - he didn't understand girls, he doubted he ever would. He'd thought he'd been doing the right thing, staying back. And now she thought that he was mad at her. Or, what? Didn't want her around any more? "I didn't... I thought you'd not want everyone flapping round you all at once," he told her, uncertainly. He'd been so sure that was the right thing to do, but now, in the face of this, he was experiencing massive amounts of doubt. "I just.. I wanted to make sure you were okay, but then, I figured you'd want some time. Like... I dunno. With Joshua. Or alone. Or... something. Sorry - I didn't mean for you to think I was mad," he said, ducking his head at the end a little.

It was difficult for her to be anything but relieved right then. Because yes, there'd been some huge part of her that had been thinking that he was going to have hard feelings of one description or another, and she had hated that idea with a passion. Standing up, she walked back over to him, sat next to him, and went back to hugging him. She rested her cheek on his shoulder, and tried to articulate her feelings on everything, but that was a bit of a lost cause. She was relieved, and wanted him to know that even if she hadn't wanted everyone around her and all that that he didn't count in that. And she'd needed time alone but she'd taken it. And it definitely hadn't been six hours worth. She supposed she should try and figure out how to word it to him though. Just so he'd kind of get it, since it was pretty damn obvious it hadn't even occurred to him how else his absence might be taken. But she'd do that in a minute.

He didn't hug her back this time, still sure that he'd fucked up. He just sat there, his hands interlaced, concentrating mostly on his fingers. "Sorry," he told her again, feeling miserable. "I'm not upset - not like that. I just..." He trailed off, not knowing what to say, how to articulate his feelings on the whole matter.

She sat back, then reached out to put her hand over his. She kind of wanted his attention better than he was giving it, and so she figured if she covered up what he was looking at, maybe she'd get it. Or not. Who knew. "I came back and you were there. And...and I get what your reasoning is, now that I know what it is, but I've been wondering if...if you were I don't know. If something got...fucked up." What she'd initially thought to say was 'broken'. "You're my best friend. And I know that this is..well it sucks. All of it does. And I'm kind of not--you asked me before if I was okay and I'm really kind of not, and I don't really think you are either, I'm pretty sure most of us aren't, and I was just afraid that--" You would decide this bullshit isn't worth the fucked up cost, because let's face it, Dean, my dear friend. It probably isn't.

He looked at her then, when she touched him, a frown on his face. "Afraid that what?" he asked her, still feeling off and wrong and not knowing how to get away from that. He'd been feeling better, earlier, hadn't he? When she'd first come in? Why couldn't he have held on to that. It wasn't fair.

"Afraid that you wouldn't want to stick around." she answered him, because she didn't have a better answer. "That you'd...figure out that this whole being my friend thing probably isn't worth it if you have to go through this shit. Because it's massively fucked up on so many levels, and you really shouldn't have to and you already did this, and I really really can't even imagine what it was even like for you and I'm not sure I'd want to be around me either after that and I just..." she stopped herself there because she'd started doing that talking faster and faster thing. "You weren't there, and I was thinking maybe you weren't gonna be." she finished quietly, really hating how that sounded. On so many levels. "I'm sorry." she added, because with the whole him looking like the world had abruptly lurched sideways on him, she didn't really think that anymore. At least, not up in her higher brain where logic sometimes counted.

"I'm not going anywhere, Thia," he told her, hating that he had to actually tell her that. "I'm not that kind of person - I don't give up on people like that. I will always be there for you. Always." At least until I'm old and die and you're still sixteen, he realised with an abrupt jolt. That was the first time he'd actually thought about it like that, about the implications of her immortality.

Her automatic reaction was to tell him that she knew he wasn't that kind of a person. But at the same time, this wasn't exactly normal, now was it? Their entire situation, it was fucked. So really, anything he did was well above and beyond. It all ghosted past the normal bonds of friendship. Went right on past and out the other side. She also didn't say what else went through her mind, which was maybe he should rethink that. She couldn't do it. She thought she saw a rise in the spikes around him, those black badnesses. But it was kind of hard to tell, he'd started it pretty hardcore there when they'd started this turn in the conversation, so maybe she'd just made him feel even worse. I didn't know what else to think. she thought, but she didn't say it, because she thought it would make things yet more worse. She gave his hand a squeeze instead, and watched his eyes, trying to read what was going on behind them.

"Should I have?" he asked her after a moment. "Like, hung around? Did I do that wrong? Well, obviously I did, but..." There wasn't going to be a next time. There was never going to be a next time. So there shouldn't have been a 'but' there, shouldn't have been any suggestion that he'd need to react differently in future - because there wasn't going to be a next time.

You're my best friend, and I need you. was what went through her head. But she didn't say it because right now she was having her own trouble with the needy thing. Hell, part of her was wondering if she had to back away from Joshua because he needed her to take care of him and she couldn't do it right now. It was there, in the back of her mind, that she couldn't even curl up and cry her eyes out because he needed her to be stronger than that. So...yeah. She wasn't going to say that to Dean. She wasn't going to put that on him. So instead, she gave him truth, just a slightly less heavy wording of it. "I would have wanted to see you." she answered. Which also wasn't her saying he'd done anything wrong, either, because she didn't want him to think he'd really done anything wrong. He hadn't. How he reacted was how he reacted and there wasn't a wrong, as far as she could tell. There was just there and not there. And what it really depended on was what he could handle and what he couldn't.

He wanted to tell her that he'd not thought that she had - because she had Joshua there and why did she need Dean when she had her boyfriend, who was so much more important in the scheme of things, especially when that scheme involved trauma and comforting was required. That was practically in the job description for 'boyfriend' - or so he imagined. Not that he'd ever been such a thing, but he'd always assumed that that was the case. But he couldn't say that, because to admit that would tie in with the fact that he didn't feel he could hover, because he didn't want to even vaguely been seen as stepping on Joshua's toes, and that would tie in with the fact that he made Joshua uncomfortable and that would tie in with the fact that Joshua knew about the crush and that... That Thia wasn't allowed to know about. It was just step on step. "'Kay," was all her said instead.

That probably wasn't the worst answer known to man, but it left a lot to be desired. She kept searching his eyes, then finally drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Dean...are you okay? I mean...really okay. I know that that word probably has pretty much no real meaning right now, but you're..." she ticked her gaze up above his head, tracked movement, then looked back at him. Then she said flat out what she meant. "I'm worried about you." She wondered what had happened to him after she'd died. How his twenty four hours had gone. What he'd thought about, what any of them had thought about. She wondered what the odds were in people's minds on her just...not coming back. And if I didn't come back, I wouldn't know, because I just stop. Stop it, Lullaby. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

"I don't know," he admitted with a shrug. "Probably - kinda losing track of the meaning. Like normal. That's gone too. But it's the same for everyone, isn't it? World's going to hell - may as well get used to it. Did you know Caleb hunts vampires?" he asked - which was very definitely a pathetically blunt attempt to change the subject.

Lullaby blinked at him. "...no, missed that in the whole...only met him the once thing." she said after she'd taken a second to place the name. She was frowning at him, watching him, and she didn't know what to say. All she did know was she was in fact, probably more worried about him now after he'd said those things. She could back him on the normal having lost all meaning thing. Obviously, she didn't have that anymore by any stretch of the imagination. She was starting to feel the overwhelming urge to do something to make it better for him. The trouble was having absolutely no concept of what would even work. If it was possible. "When was the last time you slept?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah, he does - him and his brother. I saw him in town today and we were talking - he wanted to know if I was okay and if everyone else was okay and I... told him to ask again tomorrow. Which would be today. I... Everyone seems to be asking if I'm okay," he told her, trying a small upturning at the edges of his mouth that really didn't make it anywhere near a smile. "And last night, I guess," he told her - if you could call unconsciousness 'sleep', which he was going to do.

She felt slightly better that he'd gotten some sleep last night. That was something. Though she had to admit she was mildly surprised by it too. But...good! Maybe he was taking care of himself. "You don't seem okay to me." she said quietly. She finally tugged one of his hands over so she could clasp it with both of hers. Since he hadn't hugged her back last time, she didn't try it again, so she did that instead. "You seem...kinda right on the edge." And who wouldn't be. "Maybe you should get some more sleep." she suggested. "Or, you could always talk to me." she added in there, and there was a tone in there that was a little odd. It was partly hopeful, and partly almost trying to make light, since she didn't really think he'd be volunteering up information for her right now since they were so very hardcore avoiding Talking. Part of which she hated, because talking was really what they did. It was what made them as close as they were. She'd come here because this was the only place in the house she even felt like she could let some of her cracks show, and she'd been busy not doing that, because...she didn't even know anymore. She didn't know if she had the right. That was probably what it boiled down to.

"You ever felt like you had to hold it together because, if you didn't... Well, you just had to." Because you couldn't lose it. Because then you'd never get it back, and anyway, people needed you to be strong. Or at least, not to be a complete nutcase on them. He wouldn't be a burden, he wouldn't be.

Lullaby nodded immediately at that. She looked away for a second, then back at him. "Yeah. Kind of...kind of been feeling that way since I got back, actually." she admitted quietly. "...and by kind of I mean that's exactly how I feel." Like she wasn't allowed to have a total screaming mental breakdown. Because people couldn't handle that, and they didn't need that on top of everything else, and a hundred other reasons. Vampires, for one. "I feel like...with everything else..." she trailed that off, figuring he could more than fill in the blanks there for her. He'd get it. He'd understand. "And I know Joshua, he's...I think he really needs me to be strong for him. Everything's been really hard on him and so I just...yeah. I really can't crack right now." Even if she really felt like it was happening anyways, with or without her permission.

"It's the everything else," Dean agreed as she spoke. "Not any one thing for me, just... It just keeps on coming," he admitted. "It doesn't seem to stop - just one thing, then another and another and I haven't finished dealing with one thing before something else is there and I have to deal with that and I leave the first thing and... And I know there's so much I haven't dealt with. I can feel myself not reacting to things, and I think I'm storing them up and I'm afraid that sooner or later I'm just going to crack. And I do - I have these moments where it's all just too much. But I can hang on and that goes away again and it's fine. But - you shouldn't... This is such a huge thing for you. You shouldn't feel like that too," he protested, frowning. "Joshua knows that - he doesn't need you to be strong for him, he'll be strong for you. He'll be there for you."

He sounded really sure about that last part. She just didn't know about that. It felt to her like Joshua really needed to be taken care of, and that was kinda it. "I don't know. He seems..." she didn't know where that sentence ended. "I think he just needs guidance, or...something. I don't know. But I think if I really lost it, he wouldn't deal with it well." She stopped talking about it then, and this time she did give him another hug. "Maybe it'll stop soon. I know what you mean though. About..it really doesn't seem to be ending. Kinda makes me wanna just...curl up and close my eyes and pretend for a little while like everything stopped sucking already." She gave a little half smile that wasn't entirely without humor, but it was a near thing. "Cuz I'm five, and that really works." She paused, before she continued. "Is there anything I can do? Besides...not do that again?" she asked.

"Guidance?" Dean asked, not sure what she was getting at there. But he didn't push the subject, though he did file the implications away for consideration later. Everything seemed to be being put off til 'later' at the moment - a later that never seemed to come as more and more things happened. "Well, if you need someone to lose it at, I can't promise to cope either, but I can try. Or we can lose it together or something," he suggested, with an attempt at humour. "Go hide under the bed and tell the world to fuck off. Cos we're five year olds that swear..." Right, that sounded... Look - he was suggesting hiding under the bed, he didn't need to justify anything.

She smiled at him. It was a much better smile than she'd managed up til then. "I like that losing it together thing since you need to too." she said. She also said it with authority, because she could just tell. And not only from the blackness that swirled off of him. It was in the way he'd kind of rambled, and held himself, all the little cues that she probably wouldn't have been able to directly name--she just knew them when she saw them. "And I always used to hide in my closet, not under the bed. The closet was way better, because I could shut the door and there weren't any windows, and...yeah. Under the bed was too cliche for me. Plus I used to be convinced there were dead pirates under there. Like...that I'd step down from my bed and some skeletal hand was going to grab my ankle."

"My wardrobe back home was never big enough," Dean told her, wondering if he was seriously contemplating doing this. If so - and he thought he actually was - it was official. He had no pride left. "But we can do the closet if you want - this one's definitely big enough." Given that it was a walk in one, more like a room between his room and his bathroom.

Lullaby looked over at the closet door and considered. "So...we'd go, hide in he closet for a while, possibly take turns having breakdowns, and...shut out everything else for a little while?" she asked. As if she were getting the plan settled into her head properly. She didn't know about Dean, but she thought it was a good idea. Even if it was just a short little eensy bit of time. It might be great. Then maybe they could both stop feeling so suckerpunched by reality. It was a theory.

"Right," Dean confirmed, sealing his fate on the complete loss of manly pride thing. Oh well, may as well go the whole hog. "We need to take blankets though - build a fort, something small and dark." And you better not ever tell anyone about this - ever, ever, ever! He'd never live this down. And then there was the small point that Joshua would probably kill him. Why was he doing this again? Oh, right - the whole 'I'm not coping and neither's she' thing. Could he use her as justification? Just to himself?

She actually laughed a bit at that. "Can't hide in a closet from the mean old world without blankets and a fort." she insisted. "So yeah, we'll need those. And pillows. Probably a lot of them." She eyed the pillows on the bed, and the blankets, then abruptly stood up, grabbed a pillow, and then started tugging at the blanket. "I think it's the best idea I've heard in a while." she informed him, giving him a small but genuine smile.

I can't believe we're doing this - I can't believe we're actually doing this," Dean thought to himself as he stood and helped her take the blankets off his bed, bundling them up and heading for the closet. He was mad, obviously - he'd totally lost it. But he found himself smiling. There was something safe in doing the utterly ridiculous. He didn't bother to switch on the light as he headed in and dropped his pile on the floor in the middle. There were clothing rails to both sides, but on one side, even though the rail was at full height, being that he'd only hung shirts up there, there was enough space towards the floor. A couple of boxes were stacked up in one corner, but there was room for them in the center, or there would be once they'd moved the couple of pairs of trainers and some boots that had been thrown there.

They tended to do ridiculous well. Though usually it was after they'd argued about things or had too much time on their hands, but right now it seemed fitting. She looked around and thought they could get a pretty damn good set up going. She'd disappear in the dark again, but if they were huddled together in a makeshift fort hiding, that was probably okay. Or, they'd get a candle. She wasn't overly bothered. She got down on the floor to move things out of the way, and dropped pillows down on the floor. She looked up at Dean and thought that there was something weirdly appropriate about this. She couldn't even put her finger on what, but it was there. She looked up. "We going to have blankets on the floor too, right? Got any more in here?"

"I think I have some somewhere," Dean told her, moving to the other side of the walk in closet and rooting around on the top shelf. He pulled a vacuum-sealed bag down and unzipped it, the contents expanding as he did so and he pulled out a couple of fluffy blankets before discarding the bag. "Okay, so we have blankets for the floor and one big one for above us," he said, frowning as he looked around and draped the top blanket from box to... He looked and pulled forward one of the suitcases he'd brought with him from England to be the other wall. Now they had a roof and he took a final blanket and, crawling into the space, hung it in front of them, sealing them in in the dark and silence.

She laughed a bit, situating blankets and pillows, then dropped down to crawl into the space with him. "So you just gonna talk loud in my ear, or are we finding light of some description?" she asked. She didn't actually sound overly bothered by it, and was already thinking that blankets and pillows piled on the floor were far more comfortable than they had any right to be. She just had to be careful not to lay on her hurt shoulder, and she'd be good. Or so her theory went. She'd taken painkillers for it, though not the stuff they'd been giving her yesterday. Wait. The day before. She'd been dead yesterday. But it still hurt.

Dean considered this and crawled out of the 'fort' again, disappearing and coming back with some more pillows. He propped a couple up against the wall and sat down, resting another pillow over his belly and between his legs. "C'here," he told her, reaching for her so that she could settled down in front of him. "I can talk in your ear this way and we don't have to worry about me destroying more torches, er, flashlights," he pointed out.

She went over and settled herself, getting comfortable, which was surprisingly easy, though she did have to shift enough to keep off of the owie shoulder. It wasn't too hard though, and she was cool with the arrangement. "Torches always make me think of indiana jones." she said. "Though I always wondered what they lit them with, and really, were tomb and ancient cave builders all that apt to cater to people by leaving torches just hanging around, just in case?" She drew in a deep breath and relaxed, curled up against him.

"I always thought that they were old bits of wood wrapped with - well, sometimes it looks like all they're burning is spiderwebs, actually. Which, I guess they'd burn," Dean said, shifting slightly to get more comfortable, trying not to think overly much on the physical aspects of the position they were in - though being in a child-type blanket fort in a closet on the edge of losing it really helped in that area. "But I shouldn't think they'd burn for very long - not as long as they seem to do, anyway."

"Yeah...not a lot to spiderwebs. They'd just go up in about two seconds. So...that's a big fail for the film industry. But then again, I don't think too many people are looking for a lot of logic out of films called 'temple of doom'." She smiled a little. They were talking about torches in adventure films. Well that was better than the last subject they'd been on. Maybe this fort-in-the-closet thing was really good. Of course, they still had to get to the breakdown thing. But she wasn't overly eager to start in on it. She would. She even figured a good way to start it. However, for just a few minutes, she kind of wanted to just...be there with him not dealing with massive Suck.

"Hey! Don't knock Temple of Doom - and, just so you know, we're going to see the next one when it's out next year. I should be driving by then, so we'll leave this nightmare town and go somewhere where nobody'd know you anyway to see it," he told her, firmly, none too keen to get onto serious subjects either. "I'm claiming you for that," he added, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Okay. You've twisted my arm. We'll do that." She agreed readily, relaxing entirely then. Going to a movie...even next year, really seemed like, a million years away. But she was more than happy to latch onto it. And, it was kind of nice to have something even silly to latch onto for some future engagement. The idea that they'd still both be around, and would be going to do something. Yes, she was a fan of that. "Maybe we could take a ride and like...go to Wisconsin or something for a weekend and just...wander around and go shopping and buy stupid things we don't need that you can't buy around here." she added onto the idea. "Hmm. What could we do in Wisconsin...avoid cows. Eat cheese...dodge rabid Packer fans..."

"Cheese, cows and Packer fans?" Dean asked, amusedly puzzled. "Does that sum up all of Wisconsin then? I've never been there. But, if that's what we're doing, that's what we're doing," he agreed, also a fan of the suggestion that there'd be a next year to do all this in. It helped, a little bit, though he couldn't rid himself of the nagging doubts that none of this was going to happen, because everything was going to hell and it was all just going to get worse and worse.

She giggled. "Yep." she said. "That sums up Wisconsin. That's it entirely. Just...tons of cows, cheese as far as the eye can see--I mean we're talking about a state where people actually wear hats that look like they're made out of cheese, or are shaped like giant cheese wedges. They do this on a voluntary basis, even. They don't even have to be held at gunpoint or threatened with chinese water torture. They pay money for them and everything. It's insane. Then there's the Packer thing. Yep. Football team that I know y'know. Absolutely nothing about." Which reminded her that they hadn't in fact, gotten to watch the other-kind-of-football match he'd been talking about. Maybe at some point. Like the movie. Or the imaginary trip to Wisconsin, which might actually be more boring than the U.P., only with a better mall.

"Why... would they do that? The cheese thing?" Dean asked, rather thrown, trying to picture the insanity of a people who would wear hats shaped like cheese. He tried to think it through, but just kept coming back to 'no, but why'.

That had her giggling again, and she grinned in the dark. "I have no idea, Dean. Don't ask me. I think they're insane too. But yes. They do that there. It's...did I mention the insane? Because there's insanity going on there. And the worst part is it's sanctioned insanity. This is acceptable there. Hell, I'm sure there might be people in existence that consider it cool to have a cheesehead hat."

"Good to know there's worse places to be than Marquette, isn't it?" he teased, but the humour faded from his tone towards the end and he realised that his mind was turning back towards the crap that they'd been living - and dying - through lately.

She nodded, drawing in a deep breath, then letting it out slowly. Her hand rested over his arms around her, sort of keeping them there. "Guess we got to start talking about it all sometime, huh?" she asked after a stretch of silence. "We could probably take turns. I tell you something fucked up and you tell me something back." Since she was kind of under the impression they wouldn't run out for a bit. She tilted her head back to look up at him, even if she couldn't exactly see him. "Whatcha think?"

He wondered if they couldn't just go back to talking bullshit, but figured that that was just wishful thinking. Anyway, they'd come in here so they could talk about things anyway, so, really they should get to actually doing that. But avoiding was so much safer. "Okay," he agreed though. "You start." Since she'd offered to and all.

She'd figured he'd do that. And, she'd worded it like that to leave it open for him anyways, because she knew between the two of them, she had an easier time opening up than he did. She chalked that up to being British and Male. "I remember what happened this time." she said. Because she might as well start at the beginning, right? Something like that. "Last time it as all kind of fuzzy?" she suggested, and she remembered telling him about it. "But this time..." she trailed off, not sure just how far she should go into it. Plus, she didn't know how far she wanted to. She did curl up a little more though. She was okay. She was there and fine and there was a whole household full of people who wouldn't let vampires kill her again. It was just hard to remember that when she was remembering what it felt like when they were torturing her.

He closed his eyes and rested his head on her shoulder. "I punched Oz," he said, his voice sounding in her ear. "Trying to go after you - he wouldn't let me. I could hear you screaming. He held me back and I hit him trying to get loose." His arms tightened on her a little, pulling her closer as he spoke, a frown on his face. He didn't think he'd ever forget the sound of her screams.

"You did?" she asked. Well, that explained the black eye then. She'd thought that was a little weird. Especially considering who they were dealing with. Vampires seemed to be a bit more 'slash and tear', not 'imma punch you inna face'. Her head tilted a little more to the side, but not far, because he still had to speak into her ear. "They tried to make me call for help. Tried to make me call for you guys inside." she shared. "But I knew I couldn't do that. ...what happened after you hit him? You--you know you couldn't come after me...right?"

"Didn't mean I didn't want to," Dean told her, sidestepping the question. This wasn't about what they could and couldn't do, this was about discussing things. He'd known she wouldn't be happy about what he'd tried, but he'd told her anyway - he didn't need a lecture about it. "What happened? Billy came to help restrain me and they locked me up in the cage down in the basement for the night," he told her, an edge of grumpiness in his tone betraying that, actually yes, he was still pissed about that.

That left her blinking. "They locked you--" she started. That...totally wasn't at all in her ability to process correctly. It was just leaving her going 'huh' for a few long heartbeats. "In a cage? In the basement?" Okay so she was slow on the uptake right now. "Dean--" She didn't even know what to say to that properly. She relied on hugging instead. She shifted slightly more to be able to put her arms around his neck, and hugged him, sort of half holding his head down against her shoulder as she rested her forehead against the side of his head. She could only imagine why they'd felt the need to do that. She was...going to have to get her brain to wrap around that. She wasn't sure she would anytime in the near future, though. What it did do was kind of make her feel a little sick to her stomach. Like what if he'd gotten past Oz? Would she have come back and he wouldn't have been here? Oh god what an awful thought.

"Joshua too," Dean told her as she hugged him. He didn't move as she shifted, letting her change their positions and just sitting there. He'd still been able to hear her screaming in the basement. And then, suddenly, there'd been silence. And he hadn't been there - he'd heard her die and he hadn't been able to do a damn thing about it. Not a thing. He felt hollow, empty.

Why exactly had no one felt the need to tell her this? Lullaby was pretty flabbergasted. No one had said anything to her! It was pretty important, wasn't it? Gah! She was going to have to have a talk with Joshua over that too! But for now, she stayed where she was, and attempted to deal in a rational manner. Even if her mind was successfully blown. That sick feeling was still in full swing, and she tried really hard to swallow it back down, but it didn't work so well. She half petted his hair a little, and attempted to line her thoughts up. "Dean." she said. "If anything had happened to you..." and yeah. She stopped talking there, because it was not anything she could really say without dropping that rational thing.

"They had you, Thia," he said, after a long pause. "And what if it hadn't worked? The spell? What if your dad was wrong, if the book was wrong and I couldn't... If anything happened to you," he told her, echoing that right back at her, that hollow feeling filling up with a thick, blunt pain and he just wanted to cling to her and never, ever let her go.

"With me, at least there was a chance I would come back." Lullaby said, voice thick with emotion. "Okay? I...I have a reset button, and you don't. God, if anything happened to you, and I came back and you--" she bit her lower lip hard, because those tears she'd been doing so well kicking back for a while now, they were right back to threatening again. Her shoulder was aching but she couldn't help but hold onto him tighter. Like maybe she was dreaming this and he was going to disappear or something insane like that. "You don't get to risk your life, Dean. You don't get to, okay? You're not allowed, I don't...you can't. You're...God, you just can't." she rambled, words sort of tumbling out in rapid succession.

He hadn't expected that. He'd known that she would be pissed at him for what he'd done, but this was something else. Because she sounded very much like she was crying, or trying not to cry - or, at least, being really upset. "Okay, okay - I won't do that," he promised her, hastily, just focusing on her not being upset. He'd promise her the world if it would stop her from crying, after all. "I promise - don't cry, please don't cry. I'm sorry - I..."

She didn't say anything for a moment, just clinging. She curled up further on herself, closer to him, and tried hard to keep herself from oh...bursting into hysterical tears. But the thought of that happening was devastating. With Joshua--he had a guardian fucking angel. And even if he tried to do anything--and she'd definitely be telling him in no uncertain terms that he wasn't allowed either--but even so, Sean would be there. Sean would save him. Dean didn't have one of those. Apparently he just had a werewolf and dream-guy willing to take a few shots to save him from himself. Not the same. Not the same at all. The only thing that kept her from saying things she knew she would regret was the fact that she had her jaw clamped down so hard on her lip that she tasted blood. What it didn't help were the tears that did escape. She drew in a really shaky breath, and that didn't help either.

Dean was just flailing right now. Totally flailing. He'd known there would be upset here, but he'd caused this. Completely. This was his fault - he shouldn't have told her, he just shouldn't and now he was just babbling promises at her that he wouldn't do it again and that it would be alright and that he wouldn't do it again and what was worst was that he didn't know if he would keep those promises. Because his reactions had been instinct and he didn't think he could just stand back and watch her die. Ever. All of his earlier promises to himself that she'd not be dying again fled in the wake of her reaction and all that was left were promises that it would never happen, that he'd always be there for her, that he would always be the first person she saw. Always. He didn't even think about what he was saying, he just didn't want her to cry because of him.

She could hear all the promises, really, though she wasn't sure if she believed him or not. And really, that wasn't the issue. The issue, was that she really didn't think she could do this without him. Which was what she was not saying. He was just...her best friend. Her support system, and he was not allowed under any circumstances to get himself killed. Especially not for her. Not when she should be back. And even if she didn't even believe she would be, still just no. Because if she was? That meant she was back but he was gone. That wasn't acceptable in any way. "Shh." she finally got out, though it seemed like a long time went by. She'd managed to hold herself back from hysterical tears, but she had cried. She tried to breathe again, and sucked at her lower lip, trying to get the cut to quit bleeding. Finally, after a lot of shaky breaths, she seemed to relax again somewhat, more just tension flooding out of her frame, and while she didn't move from her position, at least she wasn't quite as bad off as she had been. Don't ever make me come back to a world where you died trying to save me. Not when I'm already dead. Not when I'm on other people's time as it is. Don't ever do that to me.

He carried on babbling for a while longer, but finally listened to her, falling silent as he reached up with a hand to touch her cheek in the darkness, hating to fact that he found it damp. He wiped the wetness first off one cheek, then the other, before wiping his wet hand on his jeans, their breathing loud in his ears in the silence.

She didn't stop him when he did that, and she tried to think of what to say. Anything would do, really. Anything that wasn't dead silence. And yet she could think of nothing. She had to get her head moving again, she knew she did, but it was difficult. She reached for the hand he'd wiped her cheeks with, and took it, pulling it up to sort of cradle it to her chest under her chin, her hand clasped around it. "I think that's one of the scariest thoughts ever." she said eventually. "That I'd just come back but you wouldn't be here. I...Joshua's got a guardian angel, but you don't and it would..." She shook her head. "I really couldn't handle that. I really, really couldn't ever handle that." Her voice was a little rough from crying. Soft, but coherent.

"I'm not so good with seeing you die, either," Dean told her, feeling the ache in his chest growing, but the panic subsiding. "Could we agree that the best way forward is just, like, for you not to die again?" he suggested, looking up at the blanket ceiling in the dark. "Then I won't have to try and..." save you. He couldn't say that. He couldn't articulate it. "And you won't have to..." Again, words fail. She'd still have Joshua - she'd always still have Joshua. He was more important anyway.

She gave him a squeeze again at the first part. Her hand around his squeezed as well. "Okay. Let's do that. I just...won't do that again, and you won't have to go through it either." Sure. Sounded like a great plan. Though that only worked if you totally ignored the fact that their lives and the world they lived in seemed to be rapidly descending into hell. But sure, other than that? Awesome. She could just not die. Great. It was a plan.

"Hey - if I can manage it, so can you," he pointed out, trying to put a jokey spin on that. "But, come on then - it's your turn," he told her, wanting to move on from his fact that had made her cry.

She gave a tiny smile, the expression sort of half pressed to the backs of his fingers. "My turn? You sure? Because I don't know, I just...cried all over you." she said, sort of poking at herself on that one. But she drew in a deep breath and let it out in a rush. "I guess admitting I never want to sleep ever again is a given." she said. "Um. There's um. There's something scaring me." Insanely badly. "...I um. The lights went out." Because that was a better way of putting it than 'I died a horrible death'. "And then they came back on. But I just..." Coherent, full sentences were not her friend right now. "Stop."

"I could admit that making you cry was worse than vampires, if you like," Dean teased, not caring overly much if that was accurate. But he fell quiet as she voiced her fear. "Nothing inbetween?" he asked her, not knowing what else to say immediately.

She shook her head. "No. One second I was..where I was, and then I was back again, and there was a whole day in there that I wasn't here, and there's no...time. It's just a jump for me. Like I'm gone, I just...I'm not there anymore. I don't exist anywhere." She continued, sort of half curling up further again, in an unconscious sort of manner. "And I don't really know what to even think about it, or how to feel, I just...I guess I always thought there was something else, y'know? Something after? But I'm just gone."

Dean considered this. "At least... At least it's nothing bad," he suggested. "No hell, no fire and brimstone. Or even anything good - something that you'd love and then have to be ripped out of to put you back here with the nightmares. You don't have to be waiting, you don't have to be worrying that this is it, for all eternity this time. It's instantaneous and you're back." You don't have to miss you like I do, he thought, but nothing in the world could have wrenched such a selfish thought from him.

She thought about that, not something that she'd considered, but it had her nodding. "I hadn't thought about it like that, but...you're right. I was just scared that...I don't know. I'll stop, and that'll be it and it'll be like I never existed anywhere. I mean...I know some people go on--Maddie's around. So, I've even got proof there. But what if this...thing that was done to me sort of...destroyed me? Or my soul, or...or whatever makes me me, on that indescribable plane."

"Or maybe there just isn't anything for any of us when we die," Dean suggested. "Maybe it's either ghostly, or nothing. It's not like any of us know, is it? Maybe those of us who don't become ghosts just... stop. Maybe that's why some people do become ghosts - because they're the kinds of people who refuse to just stop." Or maybe you're just talking bullshit, Conway.

"So basically, no one knows, and that's it." Lullaby put in there, getting his point. She didn't think it made her feel better, but she'd at the very least gotten it out there and said. There was a lingering fear, and the question of what if some other time--even if they had already agreed she wasn't going to be making a habit of this--she wasn't the one who came back. What made a person them? She didn't even actually know what happened to her body. But she thought more or less that she'd gotten out what she was saying. "Your turn." she urged, turning it back on him.

"I scare me," he told her, having thought about that, picking a subject - and there seemed to be many. He almost picked a different one, being that they'd touched on this before, but he didn't. "I don't know who I'm turning into. Which is probably a bad way of putting it, but... Oz took me out to practice shooting. Turns out I'm pretty good at it." He didn't sound happy about this. "And then, when the vampires attacked, it... The first one appeared, in the light. And I aimed for its head without thinking. It felt... natural." Still sounding non-too-happy there.

Lullaby listened to that, paying attention to his tone. How he sounded about it, or what she could hear of that, along with what he was actually saying. "You were doing what you thought was right. You were protecting people." she said, voice soft, but she was firm on that. She also turned a little, actually actively moving to face him, and she reached up, to put her hands on his shoulders. She felt the straps of the holster, and slid her fingers beneath them, to start to push them off. "Take this off, you don't need it right now anyways." she urged, thinking that actually--the fact that he still had it on said something. He'd been holding the gun and hadn't let it go when she'd first come in to talk to him, he hadn't put it up until they'd opted to stop hugging. "You're...you care. And you take care of people, and right now, things reaaaaally suck. There's things outside that want to kill us all. It probably felt natural because that's kind of what was needed, to keep everyone safe. It doesn't mean you're scary. It means...it means sometimes some things are that important."

He let her divest him of the gun and holster, shrugging it off his shoulders and letting the leather slide down his arms. What she did with it, he decided he didn't care. And he was listening to her - the sun would be up by now, the vampires would be sheltering. Daytime was no danger. Then why had you still been wearing it during the day yesterday? he asked himself. "I know I've said it before, but... I don't want to just..." He pulled away from her, shuffling back until he hit the wall, hugging the pillow that had been in his lap to his chest. "I'm... I don't want to be this good at destroying things. I don't want that to be all there is," he told the darkness, just loud enough for her to pick up.

She put the gun aside, even crawling off into the dark for a moment to put it Away-away. Not anywhere within reach at all, then went back to him. She sat next to him, then put her arms around him, kind of half tugging him over so she'd be supporting him now, if he'd let her. "It's not." she said. And she sounded damn sure on that. This was because it was a conviction she held due to the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. "What you can do, or what you're good at...Dean, that doesn't--that's not who you are." she said. "So, you're good at shooting. So you didn't hesitate, so you can short things out. That doesn't dictate who you are as a person. You've been telling me the same thing, that what I am now doesn't mean I'm not me. Well, same advice back at you, because what you can do isn't you. You're a good person. There's way more to you than that. There always will be. It's never going to be all there is."

He let her - though he did put up a moment's resistance before leaning over. He didn't want to squash her, small as she was. "Yeah, but it sounds better when I say it," he said, half-heartedly. He looked up a little as he leant against her shoulder, something she couldn't see, but could probably feel. "You really think that?" he asked her.

She nodded. "Yes, I really think that." she said. She sort of absently started playing with his hair a little, something she didn't overthink. "I think that pretty much there'd be nothing that would ever damage enough inside of you to ever make you into what you're saying. I think that you've got way too much heart. I think you care too much. And I think the fact that you're worrying about it in the first place says enough in itself. You wouldn't let yourself fall that far." Then she paused, and gave him a little kiss on the forehead. "And I won't either." she promised. "But I'm not worried. I can't even imagine that happening. Not at all."

Dean didn't really notice the hair playing on any real level, though he did unconsciously relax a little, shifting and making himself more comfortable against her, an arm snaking across her lap to rest there, his hand against her hip, loosely holding. "...And you wouldn't let me, would you, Thia? Would you?" he asked her.

"No. I wouldn't. I promise." She gave him another squeeze, and rested her cheek down against his head. "You know me. I'd say something far before any actual danger point came. I'd pull you aside and look at you and say 'Dean, I'm worried about you.' and I'd have that look...that worried-look, and you'd stop and we'd talk about it, and then it would get better. But you won't go there. I know you." she assured him, that quite conviction there in her tone again. "Things might get...difficult, and they might get dark, and by the time everything's over, we might have to do some things we aren't happy about...but you're never going to become that. Ever. You have my word. I'll never let you fall that far." Because even if she believed exactly what she was saying--that he wouldn't ever go there on his own without any help from her, he sounded like he needed to know there was a failsafe. And if for some insane reason she was wrong and he did start? She would be. So it worked both ways.

He did need to hear that. He really, really did. He needed to know that someone would be there to catch him if he fell, that someone else would believe in him and keep him on the right path. "Thank you," he said, into the darkness.

"Any time." Lullaby said in return. She paused, letting the silence stretch out for a little while, still lightly drifting her fingers through his hair, kind of just being there. "Dean, no matter what happens, kinda...ever?" she said after a while. "I'll always be here for you. Always. And even if you like...go off to college or something and some day ten years from now you happen to need me, I'd still be here. I'll always be here, okay? Anytime you ever need me. I promise." Lullaby was nothing if not loyal, and she meant every word of that. And she just thought that he should know that too. The No Matter What Memo.

"I have to pass high school to go to college," Dean told her in a tone that expressed that he was making light of what she said, but really was taking it on board and appreciated it, but that he couldn't admit that, because of guy-reasons she just wouldn't understand.

"Annd I'm going to keep making you to go to school." Lullaby informed him. "And help you with your homework. So you'll pass high school. Trust me." Then she sort of half paused. "...you won't be sent home again when you graduate...will you?" she asked. The thought was one she hadn't had before, and she had to admit she didn't like it. She also made a grand effort to keep that 'I hate this idea' tone out of her voice, but didn't quite manage.

"Yes, mum - you're going to keep me going to school. You only want me for my homework," he teased before shrugging - which, of course, she couldn't see. "Go home? I dunno - maybe. Not if I can help it," he told her, firmly. "I dunno what goes on with the whole visa thing. I think I have a student one now and I'd get one of those again for uni, but if I didn't go, or mum and dad decided they couldn't afford the fees over here. I dunno - they'd have a fight to get me to go back."

She laughed lightly. "Brat." she accused him. "I do not only want you for your homework. That's just one of the many stunning perks you provide, just being you." she teased back. And she used her free hand to poke him on the chest. "...yeah?" she asked at the end of his statement. They would have a fight. That weirdly sort of made her feel better. Like maybe he'd be around. And then she wouldn't lose him sometime just to him leaving the country. That she wouldn't like at all. They'd talked before about how he felt more like he belonged here. She latched onto that in her mind. See? Even he thought so. So...England just wasn't allowed to have him back.

There were other things on his mind that tied in with that, but they weren't huge and he didn't want to get tied up. Plus it was, "Your turn," he told her, firmly, catching her hand and grabbing onto her pointy finger for a moment, before releasing her. "And it's rude to point."

He hadn't quite answered that, but she supposed he kind of had in the first place. So, she skipped over it, and just tried to tell herself that he was staying, and that it would get figured out later. That he still had to finish high school, and this year had just started. She placed her hand back over his arm around her when there was fingers being let go. And it was possible she actually physically replaced his arm. "My turn." She drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "I think um. I think every time I heal, I scar. I could feel some, where Billy's wounds were?" she suggested. She probably would have taken his hand so he could feel them but didn't, because she still had other little things she was kinda hiding. Like the scratches and other things she'd taken since being back. "And then there's the scar on my neck, and I'm kind of wondering if there's ever going to be a point where I can just wander around outside, and not be looked at like I'm a complete freakshow. And that's kind of been in the back of my mind anyways, it's more just with this I've got these physical neon signs. And yet, at the same time? That doesn't stop me at all. I feel better that I can do something like that. And I know I can do it fast, too, with Billy it happened all at once. Just bam, suddenly I was totaled. Which--I didn't really get to say I was sorry for worrying you like that. You heard me, didn't you." Then she stopped. "I didn't get to talk to you much the whole day, then I was gone." She paused then in a voice that sounded almost a touch confused and was slightly quieter, she said "I missed you."

He moved his arm enough that he could lift his fingers and capture hers, her palm against the back of his hand as he then moved his hand back to her waist. "I missed you too. And yeah, I heard you. I was sleeping and then you screamed," he told her. There'd been too much of that lately - too many of her screams. He never wanted to hear them again.

"I'm sorry...I'd been trying to be quiet, y'know. I took my bells off so I wouldn't wake you and everything and you were asleep when I went downstairs. It happened really fast, I didn't quite know what it was. I do now, and it's...well it's really easy." she said. "And I can even do it slower than that." Which she'd been doing quite well. And since she was thinking about it, she eased a little more of Dean's bruises, figuring she'd fade them out entirely by the time the conversation was over. He hadn't noticed or anything. "But there was all this blackness and I could feel all of it, and for some reason in my head I understood I could take it. Then I had a broken wrist and a concussion and it sucked." she said, though her tone was light there, and she even smiled faintly. "But still. That's a good thing. I can do that, and that's something I could help with. I just think I'm going to kind of be paying for it. Though really with the scar on my neck, I think any tiny hope I had of one day sort of restarting my life or something is over."

"Lots of people have scars, Thia," Dean told her. "And I think that there'll be even more in Marquette specifically with neck scars when this is over." My - wasn't that a comforting thought. Or not. She gave her a slight squeeze. "Easy, is it? Well, then I want to put on record that I don't want you doing that with me. Healing me. I'm not willing to see you hurt for my sake. I'm quite capable of healing my own wounds, given time," he told her.

"Too late." Lullaby said. "And besides, that's soooo not happening. I mean, I can probably agree to not heal little things, or try not to very often or something, but in no way would I ever just...let you suffer or anything if I could do something about it. Screw that, hell no. And did I mention no? Because there's a lot of that for you on that. And besides it might be more practical. Even if I only took like...half or something. Because then it would be less to heal for you, and not that much for me." There. Logic and everything.

"Thia," Dean told her, seriously. "Sorry, but that's bollocks. For a start, you taking injuries causes all sorts of problems - like what we were going to do with you, once you'd taken Billy's. See, the plan had been to take Billy to the hospital come dawn. Where he could have got proper medical treatment and everything. But we couldn't do that for you. Problem. You could have ended up with a permanently fucked wrist, just because there was nobody here who could plaster it for you." Which was actually something he'd given quite a bit of thought to over the past few days. "And... Hold on, wait a minute. What do you mean 'too late'?" he demanded.

"And now Billy's fine, and so am I." She said. "So...no hospital, no medical bills, nothing." Except scars. "So all that damage just went away." Into the void. Into herself, she didn't know. But it was gone now. "And calm down." she added. But she also didn't actually answer the question. His tone really confirmed her suspicion that he was going to be pissed at her for it.

"You died, Lullaby!" Dean told her, hotly, letting her go and putting his hands by his sides to shift himself up a little. "'All that damage just went away' because you were dead. That's not a comprehensive or in any way sane recovery plan for injury. You don't get to blow this off like that. And tell me what you meant."

What caught her attention most wasn't that he'd moved away. Or that he was shouting at her. Or anything of what he said really but one thing. He'd called her Lullaby. He never called her Lullaby. So, there was a bit of stunned silence as she let that sink in. That to her told her she'd messed up there. And yes, she had been ignoring the fact that the reason the injuries were missing was because she'd died. She hadn't quite thought about it in those terms, and wow, he was really upset. It took her a little while to answer him. "You were bruised." she said, voice sort of quiet. "You're not anymore."

"Don't do that again. Ever again. And especially not without my permission," Dean told her, not shouting any more, but his tone was completely closed off. It was very clear that he was Unhappy. Incredibly so.

She didn't say anything. Because if she agreed to that, she wouldn't be telling the truth, and she wasn't going to say it just to make him not pissed at her anymore. It was the one good thing she could latch onto about this entire being a Fade mess, and she wasn't going to stop doing it now that she knew she could. Lullaby knew she'd just have to be very careful when it came to anything Dean-related. Though if it came down to it, she knew for a fact that she'd rather take it and deal with him being upset with her than not and risk anything happening to him. "You didn't notice. Neither did Joshua after the initial bit." She was quiet for another moment, then decided to share how she felt about it. "Dean it's the only good thing about this whole fucked up fade thing. That's it. I can heal people. I can help. And I can take it just like that." she snapped her fingers. "And then it's not there anymore for them. Do you know what that means? If I can do that, if I can do it fast, then I could...I could save someone. And maybe--" she broke off there, not even sure if she could really say it. In the end she made herself, because she knew he was amazingly pissed off, and she thought she probably needed to give him that full explanation. "Five people. Five were murdered for this to happen to me. I don't want what happened to them to be a waste. I have to...I have to make it up to them."

His arguments and protests were all there, he was ready to tell her exactly what he was thinking. Right up until the moment she said that. And then he couldn't. But he couldn't back down totally either, because he was bullheaded and stubborn and couldn't let shit go. So he sat in tight silence instead, still pissed off, but feeling bad at the same time because he got it. He didn't like it but he understood why she'd want to do this, feel like that. It just didn't change how he felt about the whole thing.

She sighed, then felt around for a pillow, and curled up on the floor with it. She made sure the hurt shoulder was the one she wasn't laying on, and stared into the darkness. Lullaby wished then that she could hear him breathing. It was too quiet. So she reached out to touch him. Her hand found his arm, and she left it there for a moment. Sort of reaffirming she wasn't in there by herself. Then she took her hand back, because she didn't want to make him more mad, or touch him when he didn't want to have much to do with her at the moment. "It's your turn. Might as well use it for this, unless you have something else." she said quietly, curling up into a little ball as she hugged the pillow.

He sat where he was for a few moments more, silently brooding, before he relented a little - mostly because she wouldn't be able to hear him from her position even if he did speak. He moved, shifting down to lie out next to her, touching her long enough in the darkness to figure out where she was and then drawing back again. Settled, he didn't say anything again, because he didn't know what to say. But she was expecting something, so... "I don't like seeing you hurt," he told her, eventually. It wasn't enough, he knew, but he didn't try and add to it right now.

"I know." she said in return. "I get why you're not happy about this. I understand. If our positions were reversed, I'd probably feel just like you do." she admitted. Because she could look at it like that. And seriously, she probably would feel like that. But, their situations weren't reversed, and she still felt strongly about the entire thing. "I don't want to make you mad, or upset you or anything. That's not...I'm sorry about that. I just see something here I can actually do, and honestly, I've spent quite a long time now feeling so helpless. Like there wasn't anything I could do at all. I couldn't really help my friends, and I couldn't really do anything to make anything better. All I could do was read and...be around, I guess. And sometimes that wasn't even wanted because of my issues." She was referring to the mine thing, where people had tried to leave her out and the only reason she hadn't been was because Dean had stood up for her. Which was something she really wasn't ever quite going to forget. "And now I feel like maybe I can. And what's all this worth if I can't? What am I worth if I could help but just...don't. I can't do it. I'm sorry but I really can't, it's not in me. I'm not that kind of person." she said, voice soft the entire time.

Dean curled his arm up under his head, resting his face on his hand. "And, what? Now your superpower is to suffer and die, is it?" Dean asked her, petulantly. "To take away bruises and aches and pains - we're not just talking about the big stuff, here, Thia. Not saving people's lives or anything like that. That I could get. But the little things - making yourself hurt taking bits from everyone..."

Well, at least he was back to Thia. It had felt so wrong to hear him call her Lullaby. Though she also found it weird that the few times other people in the house had addressed her by name, they'd called her Thia too. They had to have picked it up from Dean. "I don't know. Maybe." she said, knowing that was going to piss him off too. "I guess...look I? Am useless. It isn't like I've got anything to bring to a fight. I was in one confrontation with something other and it could have killed me if it wanted to. I didn't even hurt it. The only reason I lived that time was it let me go. So, like...if people are around who could be doing better? Why let them be injured when they could be better, and better able to do what they can?" And maybe I deserve it. Which she was fairly sure he would stop talking to her if she said, though that was definitely what went through her mind.

"You're not useless," Dean told her, firmly. "And if you are, then so am I. Look, until a couple of days ago, my only skill was that I could blow up a streetlight - and we've already had a conversation about how stunningly useless that actually is unless we happen to be being attacked by fucking cybermen or something. Yeah, right, I can throw a punch - but you were attacked by a demon. A demon, Thia - I don't think having a good right hook would cut that anyway. You're judging yourself way too harshly here. And that whole mine crap? When people didn't want you around? Was utter bollocks. Total and utter bollocks and people being short sighted and afraid for themselves. Don't sell yourself short."

"When we're attacked by cybermen, I'm totally reminding you of this entire conversation." Lullaby said in a slightly sulking tone. She propped her head up on her hand, and resisted the urge to get closer to him again. "And you can throw a punch. Hey, that's better than I can do. If you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a short, not that terribly strong girl. What'll I do, pout at the enemy?" And when did she have a life where she actually could say that seriously? The Enemy. Jesus. It took her a second to get herself back on track. "...and you can do more with your abilities, I know you can. It's not just street lights, so stop selling yourself short. And you said you were good with the gun. You're kind of racking up badass hero points as we speak, Dean. I just don't...have any of that. So I can hide. Yay. Way to be useless there. But I can heal, that's actually something. Maybe not offensive, but it's something. I don't think I'm as fragile as you think I am. So I took some scratches and some bruises...the only thing that really hurts is the shoulder. That's hardly the end of the world."

"You can hide - you could be the thief of the party. Go round the other side and backstab... Except not, because..." He paused, trying to think this one though and failing to come up with a viable excuse. "Er - because I'm stupidly overprotective of you and don't want you getting that close to the enemy," he told her, a little sheepishly. "But, look - the gun thing. That's a good example. I would never have said I would be any good at that. And I am - and my issues with that are something else, but still. Maybe the healy thing isn't the only thing you have. We don't know what else you can do. Look... Question for you. How do you feel about the fact that my abilities hurt me? I took out a lightbulb the other night and spent half the night unconscious. Is it worth it?"

"Absolutely not." Lullaby said immediately. Though her mind was already ticking on things. "...but I bet I could take that. Or if I didn't take all of it, I could spread it out between the two of us. And then you wouldn't get hurt as much, and I wouldn't have to be either...and you could still do things but not have to worry so much about backlash...." She still wanted to get around the backlash thing though. She was convinced there had to be a way. "Anyways, we both kinda...use that bad energy thing, and I dunno. Maybe you could even draw it from me, or..." She sighed. "I almost have an idea here but it's kind of wandering around my head I'll have to think more on it. But stupidly long answer aside, no. I don't think that's worth it. I don't like the idea of anything hurting you." She sucked at the cut on her lower lip for a moment thoughtfully. "If I was the thief of the party, I'd have to start being a lot stealthier, and I wouldn't be able to wear my bells anymore. And, I'd need a weapon of some kind to do the backstab thing, and that still wouldn't make up for the fact that I otherwise suck at like...everything physical battle related. We'd need a lot bigger party to get things done properly if we were going that route." ...and why were they talking in D&D references now? The other thing she caught out of the whole thing there was him saying he was overprotective, and that had her smiling. And then she did move closer again. "Besides every party needs a proper healer and I don't see another one hanging around."

Oh - oh no! That hadn't gone the way he'd meant. Even if she was agreeing with him and... dammit! "No - look, that's what I mean. It's not worth it - you don't like the idea of anything hurting me, I don't like the idea of anything hurting you and us both getting hurt is bloody stupid! That's what I was trying to say... not.." he trailed off, frustrated.

Lullaby was quiet for a moment, mind moving over things. "Calm down." she said for the second time that day. She reached out to try and find a hand of his, so she could tug it over nearer to her. "Okay look. As far as I can see it, we both have abilities that can be useful. They're also both abilities that can hurt us. Neither one of us is okay with this, but it's also not anything that's going away. I say we learn as much about the both of them as we possible can, and we can talk out the angles and logistics then. Because it's also kind of stupid to just...sit on things we can do, especially if we need them at some point. With the way things have been going, I really don't trust that we won't." There. She was being perfectly reasonable now. See how he liked it. It was usually the other way around.

"I won't do anything that'll hurt you, Thi," Dean told her, refusing to give on this. He couldn't express how much he hated this idea. "Look - what I can do is useless and we just have to face that. It's pointless against vampires, or demons or anything else that we've seen around here. It's good for a light show and getting me out of class, but that's it. And... That was why you got that nosebleed that time, wasn't it?" he suddenly said, changing tack as he clued in to something. "When we were at the orphanage - I was... I was wondering why I could do so much without problems - you got it! Did you take it? Even then - did you know?"

Lullaby was left blinking at that. "Huh?" she asked intelligently. "Take--" then she latched onto what he was saying. "Oh." she said. Then she frowned. "No, I didn't know. I didn't know until I hit the floor after Billy touched me." she insisted, sounding a touch irritated that he'd think she'd known since then and just hadn't told him. "Why would I even keep something like that from you?" she demanded, and it was her turn to move a bit away. "We've been doing this entire 'explore the abilities' thing together, why would I do that? I mean, I get what you're saying and I probably did? But I wouldn't lie to you like that. Even by omission." She was thinking about it, and remembered they'd been sitting together. Maybe it had been because they'd been holding hands at the time. And his abilities had been jumpy as hell that night anyhow. Maybe she did have something to do with that. There was the clock in the house too. Though, her mind wasn't quite as tuned in towards that as it was the accusation that she'd been keeping something that big from him.

"I didn't mean... Look, I... I just... I didn't mean that I thought you would. Or anything, just..." And there he went, fucking up again. Why was he justifying? She knew he'd be pissed. Fuck. He fell silent.

"You just thought that I'd taken it, didn't tell you, and then...logicked out other shit just for the hell of it because that couldn't have been disastrous or anything." Lullaby said, still sounding distinctly unhappy. "With the conclusion we did reach..." she trailed off, feeling that sick sort of feeling in her stomach again. "...god you really could have hurt yourself." she mumbled. That was scary. That was very scary. And made her all the more determined to read everything that stupid book had on what he could do. "...I wouldn't do that. I suck at lying anyways, I don't make it a habit, and especially not to you." she added, still in a bit of a defensive mumble.

"I hurt myself, you hurt yourself - or you take what I have. Whatever the reason, one of us is hurt and it's stupid and I won't be the cause of it. And I can just not use my totally useless abilities and if we need it I can back onto the whole gun thing and that'll be... me. And then I won't be hurt, you won't be hurt, we won't fall into arguments about who gets to be hurt and... It'll be fine." Right. Or something. "I didn't think you'd lie to me." Hoped you wouldn't.

"Well good, because I wouldn't." She said. She was still sounding kind of down. Sighing, she attempted to move herself past this, even if she thought that Dean was dreaming. Because it wasn't going to happen. Not really. It was probably nice for him to think about, but she was thinking with the way things were going... "So is this ban of yours on me healing anyone else too...or just you?" she asked quietly. She was sort of absently picking at the corner of the pillow she'd started hugging again, and she absently started to feel around for one of the blankets to pull over herself. She didn't say whether she'd be following any arbitrary rules he set out for her, but she thought it might be prudent to know his opinion on the matter. In the back of her mind she was wondering just how badly he was going to be pissed off with her the first time she healed him anyways.

"Don't have a right to tell you what to do, do I?" Dean shrugged, even though he wanted to tell her it was anyone. Anyone at all. Especially anyone who tried to get her to do it. Nobody was worth her suffering - she was too good for that. She was special, she shouldn't have to spend her life in suffering and if he could help prevent that, he would.

"Well, that hasn't seemed to stop you in the past like...ten minutes." Lullaby pointed out. "I want to have a good gauge on just how pissed off you're going to be if I heal anyone else." she said. Because if he was going to be angry with her if she healed people--these random mythical people who she'd actually speak with and heal that weren't him or Joshua--she wanted to know if she had to try and hide it. Or downplay it as much as possible. You really suck at anything like that. she reminded herself. But! If he didn't come by he might not know directly...whatever, she didn't really think if she healed anything major that she'd be able to hide it for long, and then he would think she was lying to him, and she didn't want to do that anyways, and she was doing that circle thing again. She rubbed at the bridge of her nose, and wanted to go back to that relaxed, non-tense place she'd been a bit back.

Dean considered her - or where he thought she was by the sound of her breathing, anyway - in the dark. "As soon as this is over, I'm enrolling myself on the first first aid course I can find," he told her, eventually, figuring that he may as well be honest. "And then advanced after that. And I'll learn anything anyone'll teach me that may help." Because, whilst that wasn't an answer to her question, he'd already come to the conclusion that she wasn't going to listen to him any how, so he may as well suck it up and learn something pro-active, rather than sulking.

"Well...if you do that, then if I do heal anyone, you could patch me up." she said. Which she didn't really think would help. Then she paused for a long moment. "Will you teach me to shoot?" she asked. Since he had said he was good at it. She held her breath as she waited for a bad reaction on that.

"That was the general idea, yes," Dean admitted, a little reluctantly, which was stupid now he'd admitted it. "I never thought that you wouldn't do it. I don't like it - but you'll do it anyway, and someone's gotta be able to take care of you. And no, I won't teach you to shoot. You don't need to be carrying a gun," he told her, hoping she'd at least give him that.

Lullaby paused for a long moment on that one. "...so lemme get this straight." she said. "You argued with me anyways, but already decided before that you weren't going to win and I was going to do what I was going to do anyways?" she asked. "Have I ever told you you're a strange, strange boy?" she asked rhetorically. "And I need a serious answer from you." She pushed herself up again, and half crawled back over to him, laying on her back next to him. "What is it you really expect me to do?" she asked. And her tone was serious. She honestly wanted to know here. "Because it sounds kind of suspiciously like I'm not really allowed to heal people in your book, I'm not allowed to learn how to do anything offensive--and a gun at least would be long distance--and I'm just...am I meant to just be kept in a little glass box and never come anywhere near anything going on?"

"If you're asking me whether I think you should be a doll, the answer's 'no'. But... Okay, Thia, lemme try and explain this. Just over a week ago, you died. I found out on the morning news. I went to your funeral. I thought I'd lost you forever - I can't even begin to say what that was like for me. And then I got you back - which was, like, the complete opposite of that and equally inexpressible. It was just... Yeah. And then... Shit hit town and I thought I'd lose you, so we came for you. And then I brought you here, which got you killed, again. And I'd lost you. Again. And you got back, what? Six, seven hours ago? And right now, yeah, right now what I want to do is cling to you and wrap you in cotton wool and make sure that no harm comes to you. But, really, do you blame me?"

Lullaby was propping herself up again. "Dean--don't you dare start that." she said immediately. She had heard all of it, really she had, but there was one bit that stood out more than anything else. "Bringing me here did not get me killed again. Okay? It was just...something that happened. So don't even start with even remotely taking blame for that. That's bullshit. If I was in town for all I know I'd have been killed sooner, or I don't even know. Who knows what the hell could have happened to me." She drew in a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. Then she laid back down, but she curled up close to him again, putting her arm loosely around him. He said he wanted to cling, she could handle that. She was clingy too. "Other than that, no. I don't blame you. I really can't imagine what it's been like for you. And...I get the clingy thing too. Honestly I just kind of wanted to do the same thing, I guess. Cling, curl up, and close my eyes for a while. I kind of feel safest in your room." she admitted quietly. It was still weird, and she still didn't know why it worked like that, but it did. She still even understood that it wasn't his room only when he was in it or anything, it was just the space. Then she paused. "Though your closet may now qualify."

He noted, absently, that he could just lean in and kiss her now, but he didn't - for a while host of reasons, many and varied and not least that it would be stunningly inappropriate, all of which massively outweighed the single small 'it'd be nice' of the initial thought. Instead, he did nothing - he didn't hold her closer, he didn't back away. "You can hide in my room any time you want," he told her, not sure what the make of her seeing it as a safe haven.

"Thanks. But if I take you up on that, you can't yell at me for it." she said, smirking a little bit. She was kind of glad he didn't say anything else about it, because she couldn't really explain it properly. It Just Was. And that was probably strange. Of course, eventually she'd be back at Journey's, and wouldn't really have the option anymore, but it was nice to think she did. And she guessed, maybe if she ever desperately needed it, she might make the walk over. At night. When she could fade out entirely and not worry about being seen. She wondered what Oz and Sophie would think about her randomly stopping by. It was still weird for her to know that other people knew now. "Don't complain about Girlness in your room or anything. Though really if I was just gonna come in and hide, I'd probably just do that. Find some covers, pull them over my head, and do that pretendy I-can't-see-the-world-so-it-can't-see-me thing." Which fit in with the fact that they'd built a fort in the closet, so she didn't mind owning up to that.

"I'm sure you could be in my room without too much accompanying girliness," Dean told her, sounding a little amused as the instinct to kiss her passed, or he told himself it had passed. It was never going to happen anyway, he knew that - he could count the reasons why it was never going to happen. And he would, later, when he didn't have to concentrate. But! At least it was a nice thought, rather than a highly-traumatic, breakdown inducing thought. That had to be a good sign, right? "Unless you're going to, like, move in here or something," he said, before realising that he really shouldn't have said that. Because, well, Thia living in his room... Not a place where it was healthy to allow his imagination to wander. Maybe horrific trauma was better - he should think of a horrific trauma point to make!

"There'd be way too much girly influence if I moved in here." Lullaby said firmly. "I really don't think it would go with the model planes and everything. The whole flow of the room would be kicked off kilter, and that might change the whole thing and then I wouldn't be able to hide in it anymore. And besides, the whole hiding place thing doesn't work if you're living there. Unless you're like...golem or something. But that doesn't really work for me, I don't think. I'd get even paler...hide in your closet and talk to myself, or probably Hennabean, since I'd have to take the bunny. I'd go slowly mad, and just be this crazy girl thing that haunted your room in a really bizarre way. Yeah, it would throw everything off. So I'll just use it as a back up hidey cubbyhole for real emergencies." she assured him. She sounded amused though.

"I think that's a 'hell no' all round then," Dean said, firmly. "My turn," he added, moving them on, surprising himself with not having to be pushed for this. "I don't think I'm coping with all of this particularly well. I don't know how to - I don't know what I'm meant to be doing and it's like... Hand to mouth, moment to moment. And then all of a sudden I'll feel like I'm gonna crack." He'd said that earlier, he knew. And it wasn't anything specific, but it was still there, an awareness that was at odds with his feeling that he should be able to cope.

Lullaby tugged the blanket she'd been using before over both of them, then snuggled in closer to him again. She thought about that as she did it, what he'd said. "Well...this is kind of...new all the way around." she said first. "So you really shouldn't be expected to cope fantastically well. If you want an outside opinion though, you seem to be. Like, I think you have it together most of the time, though, I think it's probably because you're not thinking about things too much when they're happening. Or...you keep yourself moving." Like he had the other night. Before she'd made him stop for a moment and talk to her. "I don't think there's really a 'how', either. Like no specific way to really get it done. But you're still here. You're still you and you haven't had a huge screaming breakdown yet, so...that's good." She paused again as she considered. "You did a little the other night. And that's okay, you realize that right?" she asked. "That you really don't have to be completely unaffected, or even seem like you are, and you're allowed to freak out. All of this is completely insane on so many levels I can't even begin to count them all, so you're entitled to moments where you can let go."

"But - that's the thing - I don't think I am coping. What you just described - that's not coping, that's not being able to deal. That's just... distraction. Not thinking about things. And then I stop and all of a sudden all of this shit piles in, all clamoring and stuff and I just... So, I don't stop. I just keep going. But I'm getting tired, Thia," he admitted, feeling her lightly against him. He sat up, bringing his knees up against his chest and wrapping his arms around them. This wasn't fair on her. Because she knew and he knew that a lot of what he'd been trying to deal with was based in her and he didn't like admitting that he was finding anything that had anything relating to her hard to cope with. He it wasn't like that, he didn't think. If there hadn't been everything else, then he as sure he'd've been just fine. Or so he kept telling himself. But it wasn't just that, and there was everything else. And the effects of everything else, which led him back to her again. Everything was too intertwined. And he just wasn't good enough.

He moved away again, and she had a moment of confusion. He said he sort of wanted to cling and everything, but he kept moving away. What she really wanted to do was follow over and hug him and tell him it was all going to be okay, but she didn't want to interrupt that space again. So she curled up into a ball where she was instead, and listened. "So...we're stopped right now." she said. "There's no vampires to deal with right now. By all rights, most everyone in the house should be asleep. We're about as separated off as we can be while still occupying the same building as other people. There's nothing right now you can be doing but taking a little time for yourself. So...take it." She paused, then said what was probably her most common phrase to him ever. "Talk to me. Doesn't matter where you start, and don't..don't think about any effects it might have okay? I'll listen. It's what I'm here for. So...stop. Let it crash if you have to. You won't have to deal with it alone."

He rested his head on his knees, closing his eyes, aware that he should probably lie down again. Would she even be able to hear him from here? Would his voice be muffled because of his position. Did he even want to talk? Could he let go? Would everything fall apart? If he let go, would he be able to get it together again. He didn't know, he didn't know anything any more. "It rained yesterday," he said, in the end.

She waited, not really wanting to rush him on things. It wouldn't help, and if he really was going to do anything, he was going to have to do it himself. No amount of prodding from her would do anything but put him on the defensive, or jade things. So she didn't do that. She waited, and listened. When he spoke, she heard him, though not as well as she would have liked. So, she moved. She got closer, but was pretty careful to not get too close. In the end she wound up finding his shoulder with one hand, then she sat down in unconsciously much the same position he was in, next to him but not in any contact with him. Even if she wanted to be. She was aware again of how she was the overly-touchy one of the two of them, and he generally speaking didn't like that. So she curbed it. "I remember it was raining on me when I came back." she said, though it was less of a track for the conversation to go, and more just a light observation, and an invite to keep him talking. "Did it rain all day too?"

"More or less, yeah. It didn't rain last time - I remember thinking that it should have been raining, but it didn't." But it rained this time.

She rested her chin on her knees, keeping her ear turned towards him, head tilted to the side slightly as she stared into the darkness. "What did happen last time?" she asked quietly. She wondered if this was it. Where she really got to find out what happened to him after she'd died. And maybe what had happened after the lights had gone out the second time. Other than 'locked in a cage' which she was still wrapping her head around. Now, however, was not the time to start thinking about that. It was easy to push it back down into the back of her mind, concentrating on Dean instead.

"It was a beautiful day, like sun and blue sky and everything. That was so wrong, it shouldn't have been like that. Joshua and I sat by your grave and the sun was shining down. It should have been raining. It was unreal. And... it feels more unreal now. That whole thing. I was... You died and... Everything was weird. It wasn't like I kept forgetting, but... Like, I'd turn up for lunch and I'd know you wouldn't be there, but I'd sit there anyway. Is that grieving? This huge hole? This constant ache, like someone ripped something out of you, but you carried on living anyway. But... then you were back. You were there and it was just... This amazing miracle. But... There's still that hole. Like my brain doesn't know what to do about it. Like something got put into play that can't be stopped and no matter what, I'll always have this part of me where you died. And I'll never forget what that felt like. And then, when you died again... It was just the same. Exactly the same. And I was trying to cling onto the fact that you'd be back. And I spent a day just... going through the motions, but... You still died." He didn't even know if he was making any sense at this point. He was just talking, in fits and starts.

There were things that were hard for her to hear. But listening to Dean right then was painful. In that her heart physically seemed to hurt sort of way. Like a hollow point in her chest. She still listened though, in some way almost needing to hear it. She didn't know if that was fucked up or not. It might have been. She was sure it was on some level. It wasn't as if she was getting enjoyment out of it or anything like that. Maybe it was masochistic on some level, and on others, something different. It impacted her in ways she couldn't describe or fully deal with right then and there. She had a feeling she'd be remembering exactly what he had to say for a long time. Like it would echo in her somewhere. Probably somewhere in those empty places inside of her. Lullaby had to wonder, her mind running over everything, if he'd really thought she'd be back. Or if he'd gone through the same doubts she had. Especially now that she knew when she died she simply blinked out and ceased to be, it felt like she might do that at any time. Simply vanish, and that would be it. And she'd never know. She wanted to apologize to him, but she thought it would be hollow. It also didn't quite sound like he blamed her. He was just talking about what it did to him. Which was apparently destroy bits of himself--or so it sounded to her. It made that chest-pang settle in deeper. "Go on." she said quietly. Are you afraid I'm going to go away? Can I ever make up for the fact that I died before? Then did again? And probably will after this sometime? Is it going to hollow you out a little at a time?

He didn't, not at first, falling silent instead. He wasn't sure he could go on, wasn't sure that he could say anything more, give anything more. There was so much he couldn't tell her, his own restrictions. Couldn't ruin everything, didn't want to, so he held it all in. She didn't need to know. He just had to think his way round it - that couldn't be too hard, surely? "When I'm with you, it's easier. And during the day, I know you're there - not with me, but... There. The first few days were hard, though. I'd wake up in the night and think I'd dreamed it all. Not so much now, but the first couple of days. And I'd try and hold onto that feeling, that grief, that pain - because I had to." Because everyone expected it of him. Maybe that was why he was so confused and conflicted this way now. The hole remained because he'd clung onto it, because he'd worked at it, using it where and when he could to put on the proper face that everyone expected.

She kept that silence up, waiting, and then he did speak again. "...if you have to let it go..." she said, not sure what the fuck she was about to say, but she was talking, and that was that. "You can. If you can't keep trying to hold onto that and I...I don't think you should, I don't--then if people ask, then they ask, and you can...you can tell them whatever you want." She immediately felt exposed for saying it, and she curled up farther on herself quietly as she did so. But one thing was shining clear to her. It was the fact that he had a whole world to face and she didn't. If anything happened, then it happened. But she didn't want him to have to rearrange everything to try and cover for her. "Do you still have dreams about..." she trailed that off. She didn't know if she meant her not having died at all, her still being dead, both, or some combination thereof. She didn't want to talk about what she dreamed. They weren't necessarily pleasant.

"No, I won't do that to you," Dean told her, stubbornly. He'd go through what he had to go through, but he knew she'd only said that for him, because of him, not because she'd at all had any change of heart. With Oz it was different - that had been different. If it hadn't been for the vampires, he wouldn't have said a word. Needs must, but he wasn't going to do it just because... Because he didn't want to have to act. In the balance, it was nothing - not compared to what she was afraid of. "I don't want to talk about my dreams," he told her, turning his head away after he'd spoken. Because, yes, he dreamed of her. But he didn't want to talk about that - it was too... complicated.

"You wouldn't be doing anything." Lullaby said. "And all I'd ask is just...don't tell anyone that you think it would get back to my mom and stepdad through. But like...friends, and...I trust you." she said, and that last bit was the firmest. She didn't like it. It still made her feel like she might be falling, or something similar, or like at any given second everything might crash down. However, in the end she did trust him. And she didn't think he'd tell anyone that shouldn't know. Or who might spread it around. She was silent for a few longer moments, then repeated herself. Even more firm on it. "I trust you." When he'd said he didn't want to talk about his dreams, she thought that probably meant there was something to tell, but at the same time, she didn't think pushing now was the time. She was in the same boat, after all, now wasn't she? She didn't like what happened in her head when she dropped out of the conscio