this is really bad, isn't it.

who: dean and thia
where: journey's old house
when: after school

Dean had been looking forward to this all day, going round to see Thia. Ever since this morning when she'd shooed him out of the house for being late for school. He'd had trouble thinking of anything else since, trouble keeping the giddy smile off his face. That wasn't so hard to do now though, as he walked round to the back of the house and in the back door. Not since he saw Joshua at the school, that had really put a cloud over everything and he currently felt like shit, though it didn't change anything. He still wasn't going to tell unless Thia told him it was okay.

Lullaby had been waiting all day too. She'd kind of made an effort to settle in a little better than she had been. The stuff from her house had helped, and she felt slightly more stable and normal, but of course, nothing was going to magically make it all better. And as the day wore on, she was feeling more and more antsy, watching the clock on the stove tick the minutes by as she waited. And waited. And waited. She had promised herself she wasn't going to pounce him the second he came in the door, but that totally didn't happen. Because once he was inside, she was rushing over to him to give him a big hug. She didn't quite know why she felt the flood of absolute relief that he was there. There were too many factors that played into it, and she felt more than a little crazy about it. But...she hoped he would put up with it. Oh my god I'm so glad you're back. she thought, but didn't say, because that was just too clingy. Or so she thought. She couldn't reconcile it in her head to make it sound less like she'd been waiting around watching the clock and she didn't want to put that pressure on him.

He saw her coming a moment before the hug hit, and then he had an armful of Thia and he hugged her back, enclosing her in his arms and squeezing her tightly, dropping his head to her shoulder for a moment before letting her go and stepping back. Compared to yesterday's hugs, it was really short and he knew he'd cut it off. He turned away and set his bag down on the table, rooting through it before coming out with the box he'd bought earlier that contained the phone. Turning back, he held it out. "Here - I got you this," he told her with the ghost of a smile.

She did notice it was cut short, and she told herself she was being an idiot by feeling a touch hurt by that. She'd just attacked the guy with a hug, and she remembered that before like, yesterday, he'd been twitchy about them anyhow. So...maybe things were back to there, and she'd have to get used to that again. When he presented her with a phone, she took it, and looked down. "Thank you, you're--" he started, then stopped as her eyes kept going down the list of features. Because there happened to be a lot of them. Like...a way lot. Shit, it had internet access? It left her blinking, and finally she looked up at him, wide eyed. "Dean--" she started, totally not sure what to say. "This had to have cost a...jesus, you didn't have to do this!" she cried--then gave him another hug. He'd have to deal with this one. She was trying to think about how much this type of thing would run, and could only come up with 'a shit ton'. Which was way too much for him to have spent on her.
*she started

That one brought a smile to his face and garnered her a little laugh. Because he'd spent a great deal of this afternoon wondering about her reaction, actually. He'd gone into the store with Caleb just to buy her a basic phone, but then he'd seen what they had on offer and realised that she could have so much more. He hadn't really considered the price until he'd already set his heart on one specific handset and between that and buying credit, he was fairly sure he'd just cleaned out his entire savings. Yeah, he'd been wondering about the reaction - and this was worth it. "well, you're not getting a Christmas present..." he told her, trying to sound sullen, but he failed mostly. he couldn't help it - she lifted him.

"Dean!" Lullaby said again, pulling back, but mostly just so she could look at him. "I better not be getting like...a present for anything for the rest of my life! This is way way way beyond the call of duty! You! This had to have cost you a ton! You--are like the sweetest, best person ever, do you know that?!" she informed him. She had warm fuzzies, and she almost had the urge to tear up. She was overly emotional after having died, so she was still evening out, and this was just so amazingly sweet... "You realize I'm going to have to pay you back somehow...because...wow, Dean, I...thank you." she said. She'd expected just something normal and cheap she could text with, end of story. And texting usually cost less than talking so it would even last longer on the minutes thing. But just...wow. She was quite clearly bowled over by the whole thing.

You're here, that's enough, he thought and for a moment it was written on his face before it clouded over again as he thought about Joshua. About how the guy had looked and the obvious pain he was in. "It's fine," he told her, taking the box back off her and busying himself with taking the parts out of the box and putting them together, before plugging it in. "It'll need to charge overnight, but it'll be good to go after that," he told her, still concentrating on the phone, which he didn't need to do anymore, he knew - it being all plugged in and everything.

She stood back and let him take care of the phone, and she was going to say something more, but well. She could see it. She could see the waves coming off of him, the Upset Tendrils. Only right now they were kind of thicker than tendrils. Staying where she was, she opened her mouth several times before she managed to say something. "What's wrong?" she asked. In a quiet sort of tone that suggested she'd really rather he didn't lie and say 'nothing'.
He didn't try and lie - he remembered that she could see it when he was upset. Next time he wouldn't turn away - next time he'd walk out of the damn room. "I saw Joshua," he told her, his voice flat as he continued to mess with the phone. He needed to put it down, he realised. Feeling like this, he was just itching to lash out and he couldn't afford to buy her a new one if he did. He set it down on the floor and stood up, going back to the table to tidy up packaging.

Why that felt to her like a...a condemnation, she didn't know. Probably her own filling in the blank of it, and she felt a little like she should sit down now. Like...now-now. Which had her sitting down where she stood, dropping down to the kitchen floor and she stared at the old linoleum. There were cracks in it over by the sink. "Is he okay?" she asked in a small voice. She knew the answer to that, but she had to ask.

Not really, no. How did you answer that? Of course the guy wasn't okay. His fucking girlfriend had just died. How could he possibly, in any way, be okay? Dean could feel his frustrations rising and hated that they were directed at her. She never asked for any of this, it wasn't her fault. "We should go in the other room," he told her instead, knowing that in no way answered her question.

She didn't look over at him. "Why?" she asked. There was nothing in there either, really. In fact, they could go sit in any room of the house and it would be just as empty. Or, mostly. Empty enough. It wouldn't change whatever was going to be said, either. And she had a feeling neither one of them was going to be very happy about it, whatever it was. She felt like things were slipping, and she didn't know if that was a reaction to her still feeling like most of her life had just suddenly been shattered, or if it was because they were.

He looked over at her and shrugged. "Cos I don't want to break your new phone," he told her. "Sometimes things die when I don't mean them to," he explained. He wasn't sure if just being in the next room would help that at all, but he figured it wouldn't hurt anything. And it gave him walking time to avoid her question and maybe have her ask something else.

"..oh." she said. She got up, pushing herself to her feet, and she felt sick to her stomach. God, she felt like she was in trouble. Like she was about to get grounded, which was the most ridiculous thing ever, but that's the closest thing she could liken it to. She had amazing amounts of trouble looking at him, and flat out didn't, eyes still over and away. "Pick wherever then..." she said, leaving it up to him because she had no idea how far away he needed to be from something to not run the risk of breaking things.

Dean nodded and led the way, heading through to the living room and sitting down on the floor, his back against the wall. She'd followed, he knew that without even having to look as he heard the jingle jangle of her anklet as she walked. God, this was all fucked up. Screwed in a monumental fashion and he pulled his legs up, resting an elbow on his knee and running his fingers up into his hair.

She sat down opposite him, against the opposite wall, even if she had the urge to be closer. Not when a Talk of Impending Doom was about to happen, or that's what it felt like. She really didn't think she was wrong on that. So, mostly in respect for him, she sat far away, so she wasn't in any way crowding him. She also waited, not re-asking, so she didn't push him, but also not distracting from what had already been asked.

Dean was silent for a long time. He wanted to ask whether she'd actually meant that question, whether she was really that clueless to not know the answer. But he didn't - because then he'd be asking a question that he already knew the answer to as well, wouldn't he? Because he knew that she knew that Joshua wasn't okay. This was Thia, she was far from heartless - the exact opposite, in fact. So if she'd known, why did she ask? Did she really want it spelled out for her? That the bloke basically looked broken without her? And if she did, why the hell? Was it some masochistic drive to hurt herself even further? Or did she really want to know that the guy was devastated? And if so, what did that say about her? or was he, Dean, meant to lie to her here? To say that Joshua was coping? He didn't know what to say here - he was confused and frustrated and he didn't know what to do. "He was waiting outside the school," he said, in the end, looking across at her purely out of habit so that she could see his lips move. he realised that he always did that - even in the kitchen, when he'd been avoiding her eyes, he'd turned his head enough to that she could read his lips, if only with some difficulty.

She was watching, and she nodded. She didn't know why Joshua would be there, but figured it had a lot to do with what was happening. Was he looking for her? Like Dean had been waiting for her? The thought made her chest ache, and she felt even more sick to her stomach, but she didn't say anything. She waited, because she was positive that wasn't what really had Dean that upset. There was more there, so she waited for it. Or, she was going to, and then she spoke again anyhow. "Dean, just say it." Whatever it was, she wanted him to put it out there.

"There's nothing to say," he told her, bluntly. Because there wasn't, he didn't think - nothing that would help anybody anyway. He'd just end up upsetting her for something that wasn't her fault, or make her feel pressured into something that she didn't want to do and shouldn't have to decide, just because he was upset. And was he just being selfish and what did he want anyhow - where was all this going, he was just running himself round and round and he didn't know anything anymore. Except that he felt trapped in the middle of something he didn't really understand.

"Oh, bullshit, Dean." Lullaby said immediately, because that's exactly what it was. "You're really upset right now, and it's something to do with Joshua, and I just..." she blurted, reaching up to drag her fingers through her hair, and she fisted them to pull on it at the back of her head a little, her own frustration hitting. Things had been looking up yesterday and now suddenly they felt like they were falling apart and was this how it was going to be? Was this how her life was going to run now? Just when she finally thought things might be okay, the rug would get yanked? "Just...talk to me, okay? Whatever's on your mind, just...say it. Please. I feel like you're mad at me. I feel like something's gone really wrong and I don't even know what it is, so I can't start trying to fix it, and I..." she cut herself off there because whee, close to tears. Yeah, her emotions were far out of whack. Normally it would take a little more than a bump in the road with a friend to set her immediately to crying, but right now it was so much harder.

"I'm not mad at you," Dean told her immediately, then wondered if that were true. Was he mad at her? He wasn't sure. Maybe. No, it wasn't her fault, but... He was just so confused with everything. Just when he thought he'd got everything straight. this morning, in art, he'd felt like he would never be able to cope. By the time school had given out, it was looking up - then he saw Joshua and it was right back down again. Was that all it was going to take to throw him off balance these days? Was that how it was going to be from now on? "I just..." He shrugged and looked down at the floor between his feet.

"Then...what?" Lullaby said, voice sounding very shaky, and her eyes did well up with tears. She kept looking at him and how he was looking at the floor, and she was blindsided again with feeling like a thing. Like...something that he shouldn't look at. Which she was sure he would probably be horrified to think she was thinking but there it was anyways. She didn't say anything about that though, instead, she put her mind to everything in front of her, putting pieces together herself if he wasn't going to. "I know you want me to tell him." she said. "And I know he's probably doing really, really bad right now. And I'm sorry. And I know my parents prolly are too, and the rest of my friends, and I know, and I just...I can't...god, up until last night I didn't even know if I was for really here. I kept thinking that I was just...just some ghost and I'd dreamed up the bit with my dad. And if I wasn't a ghost that I would probably have to find it in me to leave, and I don't even know where I'd go, and I know that that's still a possibility because I don't know if I can just exist in this house forever. But I can't go walking up the street either because I was murdered less than a week ago and I don't even know what happened!" She wiped at her eyes, sniffling as she looked away for a long moment, which she knew was probably unfair in case he said anything, but she didn't even know if he would. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am. I don't have the first idea how to even start dealing with this, and I don't know what would happen if I tell. I don't know if Joshua's guardian would--" she stopped there, because she wasn't even sure what to say there. Which was probably a little late now to stop, since he'd want to know what she was getting at.

"I know - I know all that," Dean told her, looking back up again. he totally missed any suggestion about anything to do with Joshua's guardian in there, on top of everything else as it was. And yes, he felt worse, much worse. Awful in fact. "I'm not saying you should tell him," Dean added. He knew that he should say more than that, but he didn't know what. He'd screwed up and made her upset by his being upset - which she could see. This was his fault, he should have realised that this would happen. He should have taken a walk and got his head sorted before he even came round here, rather than just landing her with all this shit she didn't need.

"Do you?" she asked, and she stood up then, walking back and forth as she did so, trying to stop herself from crying but she couldn't, so she just started rambling again, talking through the tears. "God...you know what I realized the other night, when you were here, and I was just...so stupidly happy that I had you back and that I wasn't alone anymore? It was that everyone else lost me. They lost one person but you can go home, and you can go to school, and you still have everyone else. I. Lost. Everyone. My entire world has just completely gone away and I don't even know what to do. I would love to just leave right now and go home and talk to my mom and dad and pretend like this is all just some wacky cosmic mistake, and go on with my life. I really wish I could but I can't see how that would ever work! And I don't know which is worse! Getting over someone who's died, or having to deal with some...some fucking shadow?

Because god, Dean, that's what I feel like, I feel like...like I'm not really here. I feel like a ghost, I feel like a crack in the system, like some stupid mistake that'll get righted any second now. And god, five people...what does that make me? What...I still don't know! And I don't know how to deal with it, and it keeps coming back and what if that was really just supposed to be my time, huh? I was just supposed to snuff out then and this is all just wrong and I'm wrong and I don't want to...." she hesitated, but then went on. "I don't want to taint people, or things, and I...please talk to me, please please please talk, I don't care what you say, okay? Yell at me, scream at me just please don't keep--" she broke off there, quite fully crying now, and she wished she could oh...take most of that back. But now she couldn't, and she felt horrible, and she knew he felt horrible, and she could see it. "Tell me if there's something I can do to make it better I promise I'll do it." she said miserably, because there was a huge looming panic in the back of her mind that Dean was going to leave and she'd be completely alone again. That she'd drive him off with her insanity here, and hurt him and she hated that idea. He'd done so much for her just by being there and she couldn't stand the thought of making things harder for him. She couldn't do that to him.

There was a clock on the wall in the living room, another piece that hadn't been taken when Journey had moved out. And in the silence that spread between them after she stopped talking, the tick of the second hand was all that could be heard. Until that too stopped. Dean's eyes ticked over to it and felt bad - he'd see if he could try and fix it later. He hadn't meant to break it, but suddenly that sound had felt so loud. He should be saying something, he knew. She'd asked him to - told him to. But every time he opened his mouth, he just seemed to make things worse. Hell, just his mere presence was making things worse - so much for being here for her. He was just upsetting her. "I'm sorry," he said, looking back towards her, but not meeting her eyes. He paused and then made himself properly look at her. "I don't know what to say," he admitted. "Everything I do say just seems to make things worse. I made you cry," he pointed out, not as something he'd only just noticed, but as evidence in his former statement. "I don't want... I don't want to make things worse," he finished, lamely. He wasn't good at this - he felt he should be better at this. Joshua should have been the one to find her, then they could be here together and he could make everything better just by being her boyfriend and cutting through it all. He'd be doing a better job of this.

"Dean, you haven't said anything!" Lullaby said, walking over closer to him. "You just...you haven't said anything. You've in fact said just about nothing this entire time, please talk to me. Please." She sank down in front of him on her knees, to look at him even as she swiped her arm over her face to get more of her tears. "You said everything you say seems to make things worse--well...you just...god, just talk. Please. You've...Please. I promise, I'll be good, I'll just...anything you want, okay? Just please don't sit there and say nothing, and don't tell me anything about what's going on in your head not now, please?" Because that was pretty much the crowning achievement of Bad.

Oh great, so he'd made her cry before even really saying anything at all. Obviously he had real talent at fucking up. "You don't have to do anything, Thia. My head's just a mess right now - you don't need to be dealing with that on top of everything else," he told her. "I don't even know where I'd start anyway."

"Joshua. Try there." Lullaby said immediately, still looking at him. Her eyes were still tearing, and her voice was rough, but it was stronger than it was a second ago. "Your head's a mess right now, fine. Mine is too, just don't...do this. Whatever it is you're doing. Shutting me out, I'm sorry, if I did anything wrong, or I hurt you, or I ...I'm sorry, and I'll do better and I'll...just please, don't pull this bullshit silent act on me now. Don't not even say anything, and expect..." she didn't even know what. "Start with Joshua." Because that's where the switch was flipped, as far as she could tell.

"You haven't done anything wrong. You haven't hurt me," Dean told her, going with that first, because - hadn't he already said he wasn't mad at her? Maybe she didn't believe him. Well, he hadn't been entirely sure himself when he'd said it, had he? Could you blame the girl? Probably not. But all the same. He wondered what he was meant to be expecting, almost asked that, but didn't. "It's been a weird day," he said, instead, not starting with Joshua, because it didn't make sense in his head. "It's like... My entire world shifted yesterday. It was one thing and then suddenly it's something else. In a good way," he added, hurriedly. "But... Like... I have to pretend to be someone else now. Because everyone else is back in that old world and they expect me to be there too." Did you know that my friend things I had sex last night because I was so happy this morning - and there is no way in hell I could ever actually say that outloud to you and ever be able to look you in the face again! "And then I saw Joshua today and... He's me yesterday." Dean wondered if that was the world's worst explanation of anything, or whether it even made sense. He really didn't know.

Lullaby didn't really care if it fully made sense to her or not. He was talking, and that's all she cared about. He could go in circles all he wanted and say whatever he felt like whatever stomped through his brain, so long as he wasn't being quiet. She listened, and waited until she was sure he was done speaking before she said anything again, mind milling the entire thing over. She drew in a shaky breath, and let it out in a rush that was just as shaky. "I'm sorry." she said first, voice still unstable as well, but she was trying to enunciate well enough, though failed a little. Which wouldn't matter, because Dean read her words anyhow. "I didn't...I didn't mean to turn your world upside down too. I don't want you to have to be someone else." she said. "I don't know how to...how to make that better. I...maybe...I don't know." she sat back, hugging herself, trying to think past the huge blocks in her brain, which weren't working out for her. "If you had a choice, if you could...pick one. Knowing, or just...getting over it and moving on with your life...which would you choose?" she asked. "Being now you have to be someone else, and everything's all messed up, and..." she stopped herself there, wiping at her eyes again, but she made herself look at him and keep her eyes there.

"You," he told her simply and immediately, holding her gaze for a moment, before he looked away. He shouldn't have said that, not like that. He looked back with a shrug. "I get to have my best friend back. That's what's important - I'll.. I'll deal with the rest. Don't worry about it," he said, trying to be reassuring.

Lullaby didn't take that as anything other than an answer to her question. No reading in. She bit at her lower lip, and watched him, trying to get her head to stop being so insane. "It's something to worry about, though." she said quietly. "I know it is. And I wish...I wish you weren't in this position, and I could go home or..." she drew in a breath. "Maybe I should." All of her fears kicked back in again, and she tried to quiet them down, but she didn't want to be doing this to Dean, either. And she felt like she was being a bad friend because of it. Like she was messing things up for him because he'd stumbled upon her and she wasn't strong enough not to talk to him and she was clinging and it was all too much to expect, right? Right. It wasn't fair.

She just didn't know what would happen to her, if she did do the equivalent of turning herself in. Because nothing she said would make her any less a girl who'd been killed several days ago, but wasn't dead anymore.

See, there it was - what he'd known would be coming and the reason he hadn't been going to say anything. "Don't decide that just because of me," he told her, firmly. "If you want to go back, I'll help you, but don't say that just because I'm having issues that pale into insignificance next to yours. I'll deal, I'm just a moody bastard that needs to get over shit."

"You're a moody bastard who's my best friend, and if I've put you in a shitty position, I don't want that to continue." Lullaby said right back. "I'm just..." she glanced away again, then looked back. "Afraid." That was as simple as she could make it. "I'm afraid of what'll happen to me, I'm afraid I'll get taken away, I'm afraid if I do it'll be like some sick joke. 'Oh, hey, Lullaby's not really dead? Awesome! Wait but we'll be needing to take her into custody to figure out what the fuck she is now'. And that's only if the authorities get me first. There are...there are hunters, I know. And I'll bet a girl who's something because five people were killed might not be looked at on an individual merit basis. I've thought about it all, Dean. I have. I really, really have. And Joshua...his guardian...his. He's there to protect him. Really protect him. And I don't know if..." she bit her lip again, not wanting to think that Sean might do anything to her, but she didn't know. "I still don't know if I'm..." she didn't know if she could seriously say the word 'evil', because it sounded so dramatic, and at the same time, she knew that whatever had been done to make her that way had to be. Did that mean she was by default? There was so much she had no idea about. It was all a mess in her head.

"Nobody's taking you away," Dean said, firmly, instantly and with a utter conviction that very much had defensive undertones of 'they'd have to come through me first'. Hunters and all. He shoved that back down again. "But this is why you can't decide this because of me. What I want here... It doesn't matter. It's not relevant. I will be by your side every step of the way, whichever direction you choose to take. And whatever you want to do, we'll work it out.," he said, trying to be more positively supportive instead.

She sighed, and looked at him for a long time. "Don't...just forget about your end. Please. Okay this isn't all about me. It's you too. It matters to me what you want." She paused, picking absently at the cuff of her sleeve, not really paying attention to what she was doing. "I need help. I need perspective. I...you see this from the outside and I can't." she tried. "And again...what you want is important to me. You're important to me. And so yeah, if everything's making you miserable, that's bad. Okay? I don't...I don't ever want to be a source of that with you. I'm supposed to be your friend, not..." she made a vague gesture, then gave a humorless laugh. "Not someone driving you crazy." Not some dead weird crazy girl who's emotional responses are so far off the scale right now it's not even funny.

"Honestly? What's making me miserable is the fact that I'm not miserable," he said, thinking that sounded really weird. He needed to try and explain that. "I'm not a very good actor - and I'm meant to have just lost my best friend. People saw what i was like before and the word 'devastated' doesn't really cut it. I was called on acting weird within about three seconds of getting into class today. I've spent the whole day working on pretending to be miserable and I just can't be. And then I saw Joshua today - I saw true, honest, total misery. And I felt so guilty. I didn't want to have to face him, I thought he'd see right through me. And when he didn't, I... I got out of there as quickly as possible," he said, changing tack at the last minute.

She nodded, looking away for a second, but not long. "I'm sorry you felt guilty." she said. "I don't...I'm sorry." she said, not even sure where to start there. "I think I get it, though." she added, frowning a little. "What you're kinda saying." And possibly a few things he wasn't. "I don't want anyone to be having to go through any of this. And I miss everyone so much. Today, there was twice where I almost just went home. Like, I forgot, and I was thinking I'd better get there. And I keep having the same thing for school. And I keep thinking I have to call Joshua, because I haven't seen him and I miss him. And everything's...I feel crazy." she admitted. "I feel really, really crazy. Like there's so much in my head that I can't really make sense of any of it. And I should be able to, and I feel like anyone else would have already fixed everything, but for some reason I can't."

"None of this is your fault, Thia," Dean said, because he thought she needed to hear it. Possibly again. He might have mentioned that before. He'd probably have to say it again. As for the rest, he didn't know what to say - he wanted to be able to make this all better for her, but knew that he couldn't. There was no making this better. But he could at least try. "I feel the same way," he told her, going for absolute honesty this time. "I feel like I should have made everything better for you by now - that if I'd have been... someone else... that I would have fixed everything by now. I'd know what to do, or what to say - to make things clearer, or better, or easier for you to deal with. That I'd be helping you, rather than just loading you with more issues." He shrugged. "But the best I can do is a stupid phone."

Lullaby looked at him, blinking for a moment. "What?" she asked. "You--" She reached out then, and took his hands, holding them in hers. "Dean, you've been awesome. You've...I can't believe you don't know how much just you being here and helping, and not like, running out when you saw me and putting up with my crazy and listening to me ramble and letting me be clingy and everything...that has meant everything to me." she said, making sure this time that her enunciation was well done. "You're here, and I know you're here, and I...you said you were going to be. You aren't going to ditch me and god, you know how many people would have just flat out run? But you didn't, and you stayed with me last night and you're here again, and you got me the phone but that's just one thing and you did way more with that than you really should have and...you're not--"

She paused and looked at him. "You've been above and beyond, on all scores, Dean. Don't you ever doubt your role in any of this. It's not nearly as trivial as you're saying. It's not trivial at all. And issues...we're friends that's kinda part of the deal with friends. I get to deal with your issues, you get to deal with mine. That's just how it works. And...I guess my whole...having died and all hasn't actually changed that." Which was something that made her feel weirdly better. She made a lightly puzzled frown, then quirked a half smile to share it with him. "And for some reason that makes me feel better."

It had never even occurred to Dean to run yesterday. Not even for a moment - well, not away anyhow. "I can't stay again tonight," he apologised. "I've told Sophie that I have a school project that I'm working on with Caleb and we're doing it over at his house, but she wants me home before dark." She'd wanted to come and collect him, in fact, asked for Caleb's address, but Dean had said that he'd be dropped home. Which meant a long walk, so he was going to have to leave earlier to cover his lies. "But we have a while and I'm not going anywhere. Plus, the project is apparently going to last for days, so I can come every day," he gave her. "And we'll deal with issues - promise."

She'd of course known that he couldn't stay with her all the time. That last night had been all exceptional and everything and anyways he had school and a life and everything else going on but at the same time it made her sad. And that just made her feel more crazy. She hid it fairly well as she nodded, even though internally she was wondering how long it would be before she really was a shadow. He couldn't...keep doing this. Not indefinitely. He'd have to keep going with his life, and he'd make other friends, ones that weren't legally dead, and he'd do things with them, and she couldn't go along with. He couldn't keep himself all walled off and only going to see her after school, trapped inside a house that was empty. He couldn't keep making up projects to excuse his absence at home. And he'd drift. Because her life was over, and she was going nowhere, and his life was still going. Moving forward. It would be unhealthy for him to not do that. She knew if she said any of that, shared it, that he'd tell her she was being stupid and it wouldn't happen, and he'd be there always. And, knowing Dean, he'd probably feel bad if he did start doing that. He was already a really closed off individual, he'd probably just do that all the more.

Lullaby couldn't do that to him. The more it drifted through her mind the more she hated thinking about it like that. She didn't want to wind up being the stone around his neck. Which, in her pessimistic world view at current, that's exactly what she could potentially be. It gave her a hollow feeling in her chest, a dull ache that she didn't know what to do with. And he was being so...good and supportive, too. She really wanted to cling again, but made herself not do that. Because it was just her being stupid, because she had that sudden looming knowledge that she'd lose him, eventually. Her latching on now like a crazy girl wasn't going to change that outcome. All it was going to do was make him wonder what else was wrong. "Okay." she answered, giving him as good a smile as she could manage. "Um. I'd really, even if you don't want to talk about things or you think that you shouldn't, or anything, I want you to know, as your friend, as someone who cares about you, that I'd rather talk about it. And...even if you want to say things that I won't want to hear, I'd still rather you said them. I don't really need the world sugarcoated, and I'm crazy and emotional right now, but I'll get better. I'd rather just have you and I being straight with each other than going around things. Our friendship means way more to me than anything you could say that might be hard to hear."

Even in the midst of this conversation, that felt weirdly formal to him, like she was laying out groundrules, or there was something he wasn't seeing. "Um, okay," he agreed, uncertainly. "I, er - I wasn't trying to sugarcoat. I just... I didn't know where my own head was at, which makes it difficult for me to put things into words. If I can't think it, I can't say it. I mean, I'm not the world's best at saying it even when I know what I want to say, so, yeah, not good. But I'll try," he promised.

"Thank you. I get about the not knowing where your head is at thing. I guess when I don't know I just start talking and all of a sudden I'm rambling." she said, making a little face. "I guess it just worries me when you shut down or me out or don't say anything. Cuz I can blow things up in my head, let me tell you. I'm a teenage girl. We're like...built to do that. And I'm crazier than usual. I keep...waiting for the lightbulb to go on, I think. That moment where I'll sit up and go 'Oooooh. Thaaat's what I have to do!'" Which wasn't going to happen, and she knew that, but that's what she was waiting for anyways.

"I didn't know that," Dean admitted. "The blowing things up in your head thing." He didn't exactly have a lot of experiences with teenage girls, after all. As Thia knew. "I'll try and remember that, but like - teenage lad here. We're kinda built for being non-communicative. So... We could have a problem," he told her with a ghost of a smile and the essence of levity in his eyes. "But I'll try."

"Possibly. But I have faith that we can overcome it." Lullaby said firmly, and she gave his hands a squeeze. "I'll try to not blow things up in my head, and you try to give me a little more information so it doesn't become like, the godzilla of issues in my brain. I'm better about it than I think some girls are. But...still. Female Psyche 101--don't give a girl too long to sit and spin her wheels on something without any guidance. You'll wind up with something that so doesn't even remotely resemble the actual matter at hand in no time. We're crazy like that." she said, also a light little touch of a smile on her lips, and it even reached her eyes. If she could convince herself to not think about all the him eventually leaving stuff while he was there with her, maybe she could get through this. Hopefully.

He laughed a little at that, giving her hands a squeeze in return. "Oh, so that's it, is it? Along with helping me with my homework, you're going to be giving me lessons about the female psyche?" He made a show of considering this, encouraged down that path by the touch of a smile. "Actually, that could be kinda cool. And I probably need it." He paused and looked back at her properly. "Talking of lessons - I was thinking we should really get round to you teaching me sign language," he said, lightly.

"Any insights into the female psyche, just ask, I'll give it to you straight." Lullaby promised. She'd been providing that for Journey for years, she could do it for Dean too. "And without prejudice, too. Girls can be really, really crazy." she added. Then she titled her head to the side and eyed him. "Really?" she asked. Which didn't mean she didn't want to. In fact, there was a tiny, almost imperceptible note of hope behind her tone, like she would really like that, but had given up on him ever wanting to do that ages ago. Which, truthfully, she had. However with the fact that they lacked communication problems, she was okay with it. It seemed random to her, but she really wasn't going to complain. It would give her something to do, and a selfish little part of her knew it would also automatically mean more time with him.

"Really," he told her, catching that hint in the tone. He liked that - it meant that he'd guessed right and made him glad that he'd suggested it. "I know when we first met I said that... Yeah, well, anyway, I'd been thinking about it more and more and I had been going to suggest it anyway-" Which was a lie. He hadn't, but he didn't want her to think that this was something he'd specifically come up with today as something that would be normal and give her something to concentrate on that wasn't what had happened to her, or wasn't his school work that would only serve to remind her that it wasn't her school work because she couldn't go to school anymore. Yes, Dean had, in fact, been thinking about this far too much. "-but obviously, well... Anyway. If you wouldn't mind. I'd like to learn. And I'm sorry about what I'd said before."

It definitely gave her something to do and think about, which brightened her up considerably. "Then I'll definitely teach you." she said, nodding her head to confirm it all. "I wouldn't mind at all, and it's not that hard, even. Might make things easier for like...darker situations if you still wanna talk to me, when I'm pulling a magic disappearing act." But he'd still be able to hear her, and that was good. "And don't be sorry it's okay." she said, totally blowing that off as if it didn't matter because it didn't.

"Well, there we go - useful as well," he agreed, happy with the improvement in her body language, which was easy to see. She looked happier, and that made him happier. "I, er - broke Journey's clock," he told her, apologetically, wincing slightly. "I'll try to fix it, but..." He might be able to do that - it was possible that he'd just blown the battery, or the wiring. He could take the back off, take it apart, have a look. But there was always the chance it was blown beyond repair.

"Huh?" she asked, looking around, and then she saw the clock on the wall had stopped. She laughed a little, then looked back at him. "Don't worry about it, it's just a clock. Besides, it'll give me less reason to sit around and stare at it all day." Then she paused, and looked at him. "What else can you do, really?" she asked. "Do you know a lot about it? I um. I think we need a research day. On something besides zombies. Can you--I will give you money--go to Nevermore and pick up a book on Fades, if there are any? And maybe...maybe whatever you can do too? I'm sure if you kinda gave a vague little 'so what about someone who can blow batteries' description you can get hooked up with a book, then we can kinda...research both our stuffs. I'll um. I'll have time." Lots of time. More time than she could possibly fill up, stuck alone in this empty house.

He laughed as she declared that she'd be funding this - which was a good thing since he was now broke until the end of the month when his allowance came through. "Sure, I'll go to Nevermore and see what I can find," he promised before he gave serious thought to her question. "Now... I've got good enough that I can get most systems to fail. Like... if I'd been concentrating, I could have stopped that clock, but done so that it would still work if you, like replaced the battery. I used to piss my brother off at home by shutting down his PC. Like - he could turn it back on again and it'd be fine, but I could make it so it was as if I'd just yanked the plug out the back. But, if I'd wanted to, I could have blown it so that it'd never work again. Er... You already know I can take out complete electrical circuits, lighting rings, that kind of thing. Sound systems I got good at. I stalled a car once... The bigger things I try and stay away from though," he told her.

She listened, taking all that in and filing it away. Though, at some of his stuff, she had to smile like a little geek, because it was cool. At his last bit, she blinked. "Why?" she asked. Then she paused and frowned. "Wait, last night you said if you wanted to make yourself sick you could black out the block." she pulled out of her memory. "Does it make you not feel good?" she asked. Then she paused once more. "You have a brother?"

"Yeah, I have a brother," Dean told her, actually surprised that he'd obviously not mentioned him before. "Scott - he's fourteen, still lives at home with mum and dad." yeah, it was just Dean they'd shipped away. Scott was perfectly normal, so he got to stay at home. "We get on... Well, like brothers. Which is to say we fight most of the time, but I miss him," Dean admitted, completely sidestepping her former questions and hoping she wouldn't notice.

"Aww. I'd probably miss a sibling if I wasn't an only child." Lullaby said sympathetically. But she also wasn't that easily sidetracked. "Does it make you sick?" she repeated. "Because if so...that's no good." she added. Which made her wonder what could be done about it, if anything. It had her mind going back to white magic stuff, wondering if there was anything there that could help him too. Her gears were obviously turning. "You'll definitely need to get a book on it. I'd ask you to kinda show me more, but if it makes you feel bad and you already shorted the clock, maybe you shouldn't."

Damn, that didn't work then. Oh well. "Yeah, sometimes," he admitted. "It depends what I'm doing. I get migraines - but I get those anyway. They're better here, but at home... Sometimes, I'd be somewhere and it'd be noisy. So bloody noisy. And the noise - causes migraines. Or - I could cut the noise off, using my abilities, but sometimes doing that, blowing it? Causes a migraine. I never did work out how much of it was my hearing and how much of it was my ability. And then... It makes me feel sick sometimes. And dampens my appetite." That was more of a long term thing and again, he wasn't sure how much of it was down to his abilities, but he did know that the more he'd developed what he could do, the less he'd been able to eat. These days he could only pick at food and half the time would avoid doing that if he could, surviving on the bare minimum he could get away with without people getting on his case about it. "But, if I ever do big things, I get really ill. Different things. The more I do, the worse it is. I get nose bleeds sometimes. Once it dropped me like a stone - I just collapsed. Like I fainted and then when I came round I didn't have the first clue where I was or what i was doing for... I don't even know how long. And I couldn't stop throwing up. I'd really overdone it that day though. Generally, if I'm careful, I'm okay. here, I'm better - I haven't needed to do as much here." Like he 'needed' to use his abilities at all. He didn't - he just got annoyed with the world he lived in and lashed out.

"God, that's not good at all." Lullaby said, looking concerned, and there was a frown on her face, as he went on. Oh yes, she'd be worried about that from here out, thank you. What the hell, though? Why have an ability if it just...screwed you over? Jeeze, there had to be a fix for that. Had to be. "I definitely vote for there to not be demonstration then." she added. She didn't want him feeling ill, or getting a nosebleed or getting a headache. "I'm definitely thinking we really need to learn more, just...cuz that'll be good to know and if you can go around the detrimental effects." she added, thinking still. "Um. The eating thing. Can I say something weird?" she asked, looking hesitant.

A part of him was disappointed with that - mostly because what guy doesn't want to show off to a girl he liked? But he had to admit that then being laid up with a migraine for the next few hours wasn't exactly an attractive option. "You can say something weird," he told her.

She looked vaguely uncomfortable, though it wasn't because of him. It was because she thought it was really strange herself, and she didn't know quite what to do about it. "Um. I haven't really...eaten anything. Since I got back. I'm not really um. Hungry." she said, and she knew that was way more halting than it could have been, but it was weird, damnit, and in a really obvious way.

Dean considered this. He knew how long it had been since she died - he doubted he would ever forget that. "Not really eaten anything as in 'not much' or as in 'nothing at all?" he asked her, probably not as reactive to this as some people would be - like a normal person with a normal appetite.

"That second one." Lullaby said, biting at her lower lip a touch. "I um, thought about it? But only because I knew that I hadn't had anything, and I probably should, right? But then I just didn't. I wasn't hungry, and I'm still not, and I'm...I dunno. It's just really weird." And was one of those big neon signs that said 'Weird! Over here! Totally Weird!!'

"Maybe it's a fade thing?" Dean suggested, though he was frowning. "And... you feel okay?" he asked. "Not weak or faint? More tired than usual? Dizzy?" Dean asked, knowing from experience what he was like when he hadn't eaten enough. Some days he had to force himself to eat anything at all.

She shook her head. "No, I'm okay. I mean, I know most of what I'm feeling is um...I get panicky?" she suggested, making a face at that. "But that's because of the situation, not because I haven't had anything to eat. But mostly I feel okay, just generally weird. And I kind of feel different, but I can't explain how. Just that I know I do. Like I can see that badness thing, that's new. Maybe it has to do with that, I dunno. But yeah I think probably the most different I feel is the panicky thing because I never used to be a panic sort of person, but it feels lately sometimes like I can't breathe. But I'm not hungry. And I think if I didn't actively think about it because it's off, I'd probably forget."

"Do you want to try and eat something?" Dean asked her. "I could go and get pizza or something? If you wanted me to," he offered. He was definitely going to Nevermore tomorrow, to see what they had there. The sooner they figured out what this was, the better. "What do you mean about the badness? About the way that you can tell when I'm upset?" he asked her.

"Okay you're just like...never allowed to spend money on me again, just so we're clear. If you're hungry, I could prolly cook you something. I'm not that bad and erm." She smiled a little. "I actually miss cooking for people." Which was probably silly of her but she did. "And I think I can feel it, not just see it." she explained. "I'm not sure? It's more obvious for me cuz I can see it, but I really do think I can feel it. Though I guess it doesn't necessarily feel Bad-with-a-capital-B to me. I don't know how it feels. I'll probably have to figure out more on it before I could explain it better or figure it out. Go other places, see what kinds of things are there, just y'know. At night where people won't see me and get freaked out." She rolled her eyes at herself. "Wow, I'm helpful, aren't I? I could probably try to be more vague, but I don't know if I can manage it."

"I'm not hungry - but if you want to cook, I'll eat," Dean told her, honestly. "As for the money thing - you'll have to get used to it, you know? Because how much did your dad leave you? It's going to run out sometime and we should come up with a plan before then. Like... Who's paying the bills here and what about clothes for winter - all that snow you keep telling me about," he pointed out, not wanting to heap more issues on the pile, but it had occurred to him. "And, er - no, I don't think you could be any more vague," he admitted apologetically. "You... completely lost me. Sorry."

Well, technically I could freeze to death and it wouldn't matter. I'd be back the next day. Went through her mind, but she didn't say it, thinking Dean would Not Appreciate That. Hell, she wasn't sure she did. "I think the bills are being paid by Journey's uncle, but I don't know, honestly. I just know technically it's still on at current. I guess it could shut off at any time." Which was a depressing thought. "And yeah, I know, it's so weird to try and explain something I've never in my life experienced. I'm---I was normal. Totally absolutely unremarkable. And now there's all this stuff." She paused in thought again, before trying once more to explain. "Okay, I think I can sense it, I can see it, and I can feel it if I'm close by." she said. "The um...the negative energy stuff. Like when you feel bad, it comes off of you. But feeling it, I know what it is. I can make the connection that it's like, negative stuff, but it doesn't feel that way to me. It feels almost..." she paused and then blushed. "Almost good?" she suggested weakly. Then she groaned, and leaned over to rest her forehead on his shoulder briefly. "Oh god that sounds messed up!"

"So... You feel good when I feel bad?" Dean asked, tentatively, wanting to make sure he was understanding that right. Because, yes, that did, in fact, sound messed up. And kind of twisted.

She made a squeak sound and sat back up, looking mildly horrified. "No!" she insisted. "I mean--maybe? Not like...good good! Not like I'm emotionally happy over it or anything because I'm not, but that energy feels good. Like...warm? Like warm and maybe almost electric but not." Way to be vague again. She looked fairly miserable then. "It's just as messed up as I think it is, isn't it. Like, on this huge, massive scale of Fucking Insane." she continued. "I didn't notice before kinda, but when I was wandering around the house today, I noticed that some areas of it kind of seem like the have that naturally and I just wanted to like...sit there for a while. Like downstairs on the basement steps, where Journey fell once and broke his collarbone. This is really bad, isn't it." she cut into her own statements again.

Dean considered this, frankly relieved when she tried to explain it better. There was something warped in taking pleasure from someone's pain, after all and he was glad it wasn't like that. "So, erm... You think that maybe whatever it is I give off when I'm upset.... that's good for you, or something?" he asked, trying to make sense of it. "Like maybe..." He trailed off, not actually wanting to put words to what he was thinking in case it upset her.

She was looking much like she was imagining herself as some messed up monster, and oh hey! She totally was, which was why she looked that way. "Like maybe..." she prompted, waving a hand at him to get him to continue. Maybe he could make more sense of it than she could. Though at current she was kind of stuck in the fucked up of it all.

He didn't look happy as he paused and then carried on. "Like maybe badness is good for you? Or something. Like my upset and where Journey hurt himself and..." he thrust away a sudden idea as something he really didn't want to do. Because his brain suddenly supplied that if that was, in fact, the case, then the graveyard would probably be a great place for them to go to test the theory. Which, er, no. "Good job I'm such a miserable bastard then, isn't it," he said instead, trying to make a joke of it.

It was official. She sucked. Any creature that fed off of misery had to be just...god. "It um. It makes sense." she said, though she sounded really weak with it. Insanely weak. Like it was making her feel sick weak. She barely glanced up for his attempt at humor, and while she appreciated it, there was a looming Oh God in her head. "So...remember that part where I was asking if I was something bad or evil or something?" she asked, far too lightly, with something that was supposed to be humor but came out as much more like a thread of rising panic.

He wasn't stupid, he recognised that note and reached across to take her hand, tipping her face up with the other so that she was looking at him. "Remember that part where I told you you weren't?" he replied with absolute faith and conviction. He gave her a reassuring smile and squeezed her hand. "Look - my abilities are all focused around breaking things. I can't, in fact, do any good at all with them. Does that make me a bad person?" he asked her, knowing they weren't dealing with the same scale here, but having to offer something. He refused to just write her off like that.

She looked at him, focusing in a little. It helped. His taking her hand did, his hand on her chin, they were tiny things, but they were grounding for her. So did the look in his eyes, and the note of conviction he had in his voice. "I remember." she said quietly. Then she paused, and shook her head. "No." she answered. "...I think it's different though, Dean." she added. "You can break things. But like...you're not going to be hanging out--" she stopped dead there, and blinked. "I just thought of the perfect place to test the theory out." she said softly. Yes, she'd thought of it, but at the same time, she was almost afraid to find out they were right.

Not the graveyard, not the graveyard, not the graveyard, Dean thought frantically, wondering if he'd be able to turn her down if she suggested it. "Yeah?" he asked, almost nervously. Please not the graveyard, I don't know if I can do it...

"The orphanage." Lullaby said, her mind not anywhere near the cemetery. "It's abandoned. Has been for years, but there's been horror stories for as long as it has been about all the bad stuff that used to happen there. I've been there, wandered around it. It's a really cool place, I always kind of liked it just for the nifty factor, but if anyplace would have like, lingering bad going on, it's there." Then she looked at him, her eyes clearing some. "It's the kind of place that you can even kind of feel it just...being normal. I know I did. The bottom floor there, there's this long black hallway where you can't see anything and it makes your chest kind of feel leaden, like you can't breathe right, like stuff felt wrong. It's better when you go upstairs. And maybe that was all my overactive imagination or whatever, but seriously. If there's anywhere around here where there'd probably be a lot of it, it would be there. It'd probably like...swimming in the stuff."

Well, then we'll go there," Dean told her, happy to agree to anything as long as it wasn't the cemetery. Possibly a little too eager to agree with it. "Any time you want."

"Um...okay, well it'd be more up to you, like, when you can actually stay out with me." Lullaby said. "Considering we can't go during the daytime, so we'll have to go skulking around being delinquents after dark and everything to do it." She smiled a little, brightening. "Call me weird but it might be fun." she added. So that was looking up slightly. And until then she could ignore the shit out of the whole thing. "Til then...c'mon." she said, standing up and tugging on the hand of his she still had. "I'll make you something to eat." Because she really did want to do something like that.

Dean chuckled a little and let her pull him up. "You're right - any friend of yours has to be a delinquent," he told her, not sounding unhappy about it as they headed into the kitchen. He wasn't hungry, but she wanted to cook and he was happy to let her. Then they could do homework and hang out and he could work on making her feel a little more normal. It would be great.