Show me how much it's my fault

Who: Sean and Joshua
When: early evening
Where: the apartment

Joshua hadn't slept well after the funeral. Which was to be expected, but he'd more or less slept himself out over the past couple of days, and he'd done an inordinate amount of staring at the ceiling. And thinking. Because he couldn't avoid that anymore. She was gone. Really really gone, he'd seen her body, seen them put the box she was in in the ground and cover it up with earth. He'd sat by her graveside until Sean had gently prodded him up and moving again, and it hadn't disappeared. Nobody had called to say it was a mistake. Her parents had cried. Lullaby Draven was dead. When morning had come round again, he'd told Sean he was going today to get the tattoo done. He didn't want to wait, because nothing was going to change.

They'd gone, and he'd stood around on the sidewalk in front of the tat place while Sean went in first to bless things, giving him that at least. Which was maybe why it had all gone as smoothly as it had. He'd told the guy what he wanted, using as few words as possible, and going through a couple of sketches until he thought they had it right, then sat in the chair for a few hours while it was done. It hurt a little, but it wasn't unbearable or anything. And in the end he'd shirtless in their full-body mirror and approved the black ink against his skin, a musical-scale pattern that began on the front of his deltoid and wrapped around the curve of his arm to the back, where it spread wider. Only sixteen notes, and the last one had a shattered look to it. No dates, no names, and the tattoo artist didn't ask any questions. Joshua knew exactly what it meant, and that was all that mattered.

He'd been silent as they went home, and silent thereafter, mind chewing on too much shit for him to really sort out. He'd been coming to the slow conclusion that he bore some sort of responsibility for her death. That his curse had something to do with it. That the bullet had been meant for him. Should've been his. The insane injustice of it all was just ... unspeakable. He was lost in these thoughts, consumed by them, as he shuffled into the kitchen to get something to drink. A pan that had been drying on a towel on the counter, precariously balanced, chose that moment to slide off and land edge-first on his toes. An everyday occurrence, really, but it broke something in Joshua. He saw red through the pain and snatched the pan up, flinging it as hard as he could into the wall, taking out a damn good chunk of the plaster before it bounced back to crack him in one knee. Senseless as it was, he grabbed it up again and started to beat the shit out of the fridge with it.

Sean had been giving Joshua some space since they'd got home, figuring the guy needed it. He hadn't wanted him to get the tattoo, but he hadn't argued overly hard either - knowing determination when it stared him in the face. And his job wasn't to prevent Joshua from living his life, it was to keep him safe whilst doing it. So he'd gone with the boy - but made damn sure that he blessed the shit out of the place and every instrument in there before he'd let Joshua over the threshold. Which had caused a few raised eyebrows, but Sean wasn't above playing 'religious nutter' when he had to. He'd then hovered until it was all done - and only once he had the boy home did he relax. Or, well, he'd relax in a couple of days when he was sure that there was no infection, but this was a start.

Since they'd gotten home though, he'd mostly stayed out of the way, reading in his room. Until the moment that he heard the first bang and he raced into the kitchen to be greeted with the sight of Joshua hammering at the fridge. "Woah, woah - hey, no, that's..." he grabbed Joshua's arm mid-swing to stop him.

He'd dented it up fairly well, and though every jolt of impact up his arm was savagely satisfying, it wasn't enough. Not nearly enough. He wanted to destroy things, tear the world down that could allow this sort of shit to happen. He didn't realize Sean was there until his arm stopped short and his head twisted around to look into the familiar face. He dropped the pan and tried to twist out of Sean's grip, other hand coming around to plant a shove in the middle of his chest. "Fuck off!" he growled. Because he wasn't done yet, not by far. He was pissed at the entire universe for taking her away from him, and he was going to make at least a small chunk of it pay.

Joshua may have tried to twist out of Sean's grip, but Sean wasn't letting go - the angel was a whole lot stronger than he looked and he'd been in more fights than the boy had had hot dinners and so he kept hold of the arm and stepped back as Joshua pushed at his chest, which took a lot of force out of the blow. "No," he said, his voice dropping a little. "Can't afford to replace the kitchen, won't have you destroying the damn place," he told him in no uncertain terms. So far he'd mostly let Joshua have his own way, especially over the past few days. But not here. Not now.

Though it was futile and really only kind of hurt his shoulder, Joshua struggled to get his arm free harder. He'd never been so furious in his life; his chest ached with the force of it. "Who gives a fuck? Let go," he said through clenched teeth. What did it matter? What did anything fucking matter anymore? If the world was so fucked that girls like Lullaby, who'd never done anything to hurt anybody, could be so violently and pointlessly killed, then what was the point in anything? The rage heightened his TK, and there was a sound like a muffled gunshot as something glass burst in the fridge. He threw a kick out that cracked one of the cabinet doors and sent a flash of pain up his leg that he ignored. Some books tumbled off the shelf in the living room.

"Okay, stop it!" Sean growled louder, grabbing hold of Joshua's chin with his free hand and dragging his face round to look at him. "She's dead - I get that. And it hurts, I know. But wrecking the house isn't going to do a damn thing to bring her back and it's not going to make you feel any better. Trust me."

Joshua was less looking and more glaring daggers. "Fuck you, what do you know?" he yelled back, anger focusing in on Sean, since he couldn't break anything else. At least not with his hands. A full stack of dishes cracked and broke in one of the cabinets. "You didn't know her! You barely fucking know me! What the hell good are you, anyway?! Don't even fucking protect who's worth protecting." His voice cracked on the last word and there were hot tears standing in his eyes, though he was hardly aware of either one. He wrenched harder, but got no closer to getting his arm free.

"I'm over a hundred years old - you really think I've never lost anyone?" Sean declared, hotly, because those comments hurt. Really cut to the bone and he was trying not to let that show. It didn't work so well for him. "You have a problem with me? This is my fault is it?" He let go of Joshua's hands and took a step back. "Go on then - take a shot. Go on - show me how much this is my fault, Joshua."

His hands had balled into fists and once he got his balance back, Joshua was almost positive he was going to take a shot. He knew somewhere, in that quiet and overwhelmed rational place, that he was being a complete dick, but it was too far down. The thing was, he also knew that it wasn't Sean's fault. It wasn't Sean's fault at all; it was his. He'd known the risk he put her at, by being with her. Letting her be around him. He was a walking disaster area, and it had always been dangerous for her to be in it's radius. Or he'd thought he had known; really, he'd had no concept that anything like this could ever happen. Instead of throwing a punch at his guardian, he picked up a glass near the sink and hurled it across the room. "It should've been mine!" he raged. "It doesn't make fucking sense, she didn't deserve it, and if it was going to happen, it should've happened to me!"

"Bullshit!" Sean shot back, wincing as the glass hit the wall and shattered and he got suddenly where this was all coming from. "This is not your fault. Some bastard took a fucking gun and went out and shot her. This is his fault. He killed her. He shot her and he killed her and this has nothing to do with you. Or your family. People die - people die for stupid fucking reasons and they don't deserve it. You know this. You grew up in fucking Ireland for fuck's sake and I know you missed a lot of it, being the age you are - but people die. They disappear. They're murdered. And it's a tragedy and it shouldn't fucking happen - but don't you dare go blaming this on yourself, because it's Not. Your. Fault."

Joshua of course knew what part of the world they came from, had heard plenty of stories from his parents and uncles and older cousins and everyone. But in his mind that was back in Ireland. In Dublin and the bigger cities that they hardly ever went to. That was There, this was Here. Things like that didn't happen in Marquette. Or ... hadn't, in the past. Now they were happening, and they'd just so happened to dragged the girl he loved down with them. It was so senseless and unfair, he couldn't even get his head around it. She'd been a good person. Much better than him, and yet he had a guardian angel? Who might've been able to do something about it, if it had happened to him? He slumped down onto his ass, back against the cabinets, and rubbed both hands over his stubbled head, fighting to breathe properly.

Sean went down with him, his arms slipping round the guy's shoulders. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry - I'm sorry. If I could bring her back I would. If I could catch the bastard that did it I would rip out his spine," he told Joshua with total honesty.

Despite having just been yelling in his face, Joshua leaned against Sean as soon as he was there. He was shaking a bit, though he wasn't really crying. That part of everything seemed to have mostly stopped. He just couldn't breathe well. "Would you let me blow his heart up first?" he asked, tone dull and unsteady at the same time. He thought he would take great fucking joy in making internal organs explode, one by one. With the essential ones coming last.

"I would pin the bastard to the ground, crucify him if I had to, keep him alive and watch while you did whatever your heart fucking desired to him," Sean told the boy. Yeah, he was an angel, but that didn't mean he was a saint and he had a cruel streak to him. "Promise - we ever find out who did this and I will help you do whatever you want to them. Guardian angel, remember - I'm here just for you." Which wasn't strictly true, but Sean was on his side for this one. He might be all about protecting Joshua, but that didn't mean he couldn't feel the injustice of the girl's death.

He actually had no trouble believing that, in the least. He could see it quite clearly. And actually really liked being able to see it clearly. He'd been so consumed in her loss that he hadn't given much thought to the person or persons who'd actually done it. It was almost hard to associate with anyone, being that it had kind of come out of absolutely nowhere, to him. He didn't know how hard the police were looking for the culprit, but he did know that if he got wind someone had gotten caught and found guilty? They'd find a way to make him dead long before they ever got comfortable in prison. Joshua nodded mutely. Then, after another pause, muttered an apology.

"Don't - you don't need to apologise to me," Sean told him. "To the fridge and the plates, maybe. Look, next time, take a swing at me, okay? My jaw's harder and less expensive to replace. I'm made of sterner stuff than that and I'll give you a belt round the ear that'll bring you back down to earth with a bang." But that wouldn't really hurt him. Sean was a great believer that the odd bruise was good for a guy, let him know the knocks he could take.

He actually chuckled at that, though it was mostly humorless. "Just not nearly as satisfying," he said. He knew he had one hell of a mess to clean up, and he would get to it. His bare foot kind of hurt from kicking the cabinet, he thought he might've sprained a toe. And he was positive his arm was bruised. But he didn't care. About any of it, really. Sean was right: it hadn't brought her back, and he didn't really feel any better. Just tired and like they'd be eating off of paper plates from now on.

"For you, or for me?" Sean asked him, raising an eyebrow. "Cos, y'know, back there, belting you round the ear would have really made my day...."

That, he could also really see. "For me," Joshua answered, a brief smirk crossing his face. "Don't worry, though, sure I can work up deserving a belt round the ear again sometime. You'll get your chance." Carefully, wary of any broken glass that might've slid over to where they were, he started to pick himself up.

Sean took a hold of his arm again, stopping him from getting up. "Chance as may be, not today - you stay here. I'm not having you wandering round this place with everything broken. That's just a recipe for disaster. You get to stay here while I clean up, god help us all. Consider it good for your patience," he admonished lightly, getting to his feet. Because they'd both need patience, leaving Sean to clean up. It wasn't really his forte, after all.

Well, he had a point there. Not that Joshua wasn't willing to clean up his own mess, it was just likely that he would manage to slice open an artery or something while he did. The hazard of having a tantrum when you were cursed with bad luck. So he sat back down and stayed where he was, reaching down to massage the toe that hurt like a bitch. That would be a limp for a couple of days, at least. The corner of the bandage over the fresh tattoo on his left shoulder had come undone, and he pressed it back absently. His eyes ticked back up to Sean as the angel moved around. "Were you ever in love?" he asked after a few minutes.

Sean was quiet for a while as he fetch the broom and started to sweep up, brushing away from Joshua in case he decided to move. "No," he said, eventually. "Not in the way you mean, no." He worked on making a pile to one side, trying to get all the bits, though he knew he'd be going over it all again with a vacuum cleaner and mop. If there was anything at all left, he could almost guarantee that Joshua would find it with his feet.

It was the hesitation before the answer that made Joshua not really believe him. He didn't move, just watched and kind of shifted his legs out of the way so Sean could get around them. "In what way then?" he wanted to know. He really did want to know, because he'd realized that it was more he that knew next to nothing about Sean, and not really the other way around, as he'd accused.

Sean turned and leaned on the end of the broom. "Never been in love - not like you were with your girl," he said, honestly. "But love? Yeah, in my way. Which you might find weird and you have to appreciate the difference, mind. Cos I've always loved your family. What I do - for you all. Ever since I met your grand-da like. Like I said, it's not the same, but yeah... Doesn't leave much room for the real romantic type like you mean."

He regarded him seriously. Over one hundred years old and no women? At least none to be in love with, that was. It struck him as kind of sad, in a way. But something else, in a completely different way. Noble, martyr-ish, heroic, something like that. None of which seemed like they fit right, and would likely be embarrassing to say. He wondered vaguely if September was the same way. If Annora and the others were. An entire line of beings solely dedicated to his family and forgoing having their own lives because of it. He'd never appreciated it in that sense before. The sacrifice involved. Which was just more heavy shit on top of the rest of the heavy shit in his head, but hey. It was that kind of day. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he just nodded a bit and looked at the leg of the kitchen table, absorbing it. Maybe he should feel damn lucky he'd had time with Lullaby at all, devastating as her death was.

Sean rolled his eyes when he caught the look. "Don't go feeling sorry for me, lad - really. Cos I can see you doing that. I wouldn't have it any other way, it's what I am. My life didn't feel right until I found your family - that's just the way it is for us. I wouldn't give that up for some girlie somewhere, I couldn't imagine it. Much like I doubt you could imagine doing what I do - we're too different, you and I. You could no more understand what I get from this as I could understand leaving all this behind to settle down with some girl somewhere and raising a family of my own. And by that I mean that I could understand the attraction, having that, but I couldn't choose it. And you could understand devoting your life to someone else, but if that girl came along, you'd follow her without a second thought. It's all about priorities."

"Just seems like shitty company, being your only," Joshua said after a pause, rubbing the back of his head absently. He couldn't get used to the feel of not having much hair. In Ireland it was different; there were tons of Barclays. That seemed to be one thing they did right, procreate. So there were always people to look out for, hang out with. And he'd had other angels back there too. But here in Marquette ... they were really all the other had. Especially now. "Don't think you could swing both?"

"I figure I'm only here until they realise I'm not cut out for it and haul my arse back to Ireland anyhow. Any day now, I figure," Sean said, not looking exactly happy. He'd been feeling that more and more lately - not least the night of Lullaby's death. September would have been there, he was sure. Not let Joshua out of her sight long enough to be anywhere near a gun, even if the bullet hadn't found him. Any other of them wouldn't have let danger near enough to hit either of the kids. He wouldn't say it aloud, but Joshua wasn't the first to blame Sean for Lullaby's death. "But both? Nah, wouldn't want it - and anyway, where'd you find a women long term who's willing to not come first in your life? Wouldn't be fair to her, now, would it? I couldn't ask that. Couldn't ask that at all."

Joshua figured he probably had a point there. Though he felt a mild wave of distress at the suggestion that they might drag Sean back to Ireland. Only send another one in his place. He liked Sean, even though everything had gone straight to hell in really bad timing with his arrival. The only other angel he could think he might remotely prefer was Calix, but he was far too busy with the majority of the Barclay clan to come cross-Atlantic just to take care of Joshua. Not that it was really up to him. "I don't want you to go," he said matter-of-factly, glancing up again, and then away. It was just another adjustment that he didn't want, and the past half hour aside, he and Sean got on far better than he had with September. " ... even if it's not long-term, you at least deserve to get laid every now and then," he added. Maybe a stab at levity, maybe just the truth as he saw it, whatever. Not that he knew what that was like, even. He didn't even want to, at this point.

Sean looked at the boy, then just laughed. "Lad - you really don't think I get laid from time to time?" he chuckled. Though, truthfully, he'd been kinda celibate since arriving in Marquette, but then he'd been on his best behaviour and not at all taking nights off. And then things had really gone to hell and he'd just been being here. "I'm an angel, not a saint. Don't you worry about me, I do just fine by the ladies - it's the old Irish charm, y'know. I've had girls in my past, just nothing permanent. There's a whole lotta ground between nothing and everything, y'know."

He let his head fall back against the cabinet and managed a smile that actually looked fairly genuine. It felt weird on his face, but it wasn't forced. "I know. I don't doubt your skills, man. Just sayin'. I always thought September needed a good lay in a really bad way, I figure most of you need more time for yourselves than you actually get." And yes, he recognized that it was strange to be having this sort of conversation after his outburst, but he felt purged and worn out now. Wanting to talk about something that wasn't him or the loss of her. Not to say it wasn't still there, glaring in his mind like a sore, but ... that wouldn't be going away anytime soon.

Sean shrugged on the broom. "September was born with a stick up her arse, nothing's gonna change that any time soon. Don't know how you put up with her - I couldn't have done," he admitted, thought he figured she probably did a better job here than he'd ever do, but that was mostly his insecurities speaking.

"She was mad at me a lot," he said, shrugging a shoulder. He missed her sometimes, but he wasn't going to tell Sean that. It wasn't any failing of his, he'd just gotten used to having her around. And she made good tea. Really, he thought in a way that she'd left because of him, not because of whatever reason she'd given at the time. Like he'd gotten to be too much for her. Which was possible, he supposed. He didn't know how she would've handled him about a half hour ago. "Did you ever call my parents to tell them?" he asked after a beat, as it randomly occurred to him. They knew about Lullaby from phone conversations here and there, but he hadn't spoken to them since she'd died.

"September's mad at the world. I never got that," Sean admitted. He'd always been on pretty good terms with the world at large. As long as it didn't piss him off, that was. "No, I haven't spoken to your parents. I figured you'd want to do that in your own time. I didn't want to take that away from you - less you'd prefer me to." He hadn't known how to bring that up. And maybe that was a failing on his part, something he should have just known, but he had to deal with these things in his own way, even if that turned out to be wrong.

It didn't seem like a failing as Joshua nodded. He appreciated that Sean hadn't just gone on and done it. In all honesty, he wasn't quite ready to tell them back home yet. He knew his mother would be beside herself with worry about him, and that was pressure he wasn't prepared for. No, that could ... just wait. "I'll call them. In like ... a couple of days." Or weeks. Or months. Or something. He didn't want the sympathy he knew they'd throw at him. Really, he just wanted his girlfriend back. But that wasn't happening. He looked down at the floor, hunting idly for any stray pieces of glass.

"Whenever you're ready," Sean agreed. "You know they'll worry, right? Parents do that - you should be ready for that. And for them to insist you come home." Especially with just me here. Really, they'll be coming for me any day now. Any day. He was sure of that. He'd failed and he was sure they'd just been waiting for it - for him to fail, to fall down. Nobody trusted him out here. He was a fuck up, what had they been thinking. Someone else, anyone else would have done a better job here.

"Yeah," he said dully. He was expecting that. "I'm not going, though." Though part of him was tempted. Really, what was there to stay for, now? Lullaby was gone, he hadn't ever even gotten a job ... But going home would be admitting defeat. That they were right, and he couldn't handle the world outside their small corner of Ireland. That everything was too big and scary. He felt sure that September had told them all what a dangerous place Marquette was. How he'd been attacked by a vampire, and that there were demons around and everything. But home wasn't home anymore, and he just ... really didn't think he could go. If he went back, he would never go anywhere else, and all of this would've been wasted.

"Good," Sean told him, going back to sweeping. "You're a grown man now - you shouldn't have to go running back to your mother's apron strings. If you want to, that's another thing entirely - but sometimes a man's just gotta strike out on his own." He paused. "Only, with, y'know, his guardian angel in tow," he added, a little sheepishly.

That made him feel a little better. To hear that that was what men did. Because he wanted to be one of those, eventually. It didn't feel like he was a grown man, at all, but maybe he was at least pointed in the right direction. "At least you're a grown man too, and not like ... trying to be my mother," he said, though he felt mildly guilty for it. Even if September never knew. "I think you'd look pretty stupid in an apron."

"What, and I don't look stupid with a broom?" Sean queried, posing a little as he swept the last of the glass into a pile and went in search of the dust pan. He really wasn't cut out for this home maintenance shit. "I could try and be your da, if it would make you feel better. But I doubt you want that either. I figure you have to learn to be your own man - you've had a lifetime of someone always being there for you, telling you not to do things. That's no way to live your life. And.. I'm sorry if you think this is my fault. If September wouldn't have let you go out that night. I really am. But she wasn't your fault, you need to know that. If you need to blame me, blame me - but this wasn't your fault."

It took Joshua a minute or two to answer, his eyes on Sean as the guy swept the pile of broken stuff into the dustpan. "It's not your fault," he said finally. Not that he'd really been questioning that, it was just ... how to phrase it. "I think she would've let me go. And, I mean ... nobody could've known. Not your fault. ... and if it was ... gonna happen, y'know? I'm glad I was with her," he admitted, voice dropping down low for that part. It was the first time he'd said it, even though other people had said it to him. But as gutting as it was, and as bad a job as he'd done being there for her and helping, he would've hated more to hear it second hand. To be told she was dead.

"I'm sure she was glad you were there too," Sean offered. Not that she would have been alone at the end. There would have been one of them - a valkyrie there. But he didn't want to broach that with Joshua. There was no need. What good would it do anyhow?

"I don't think she even knew what happened to her," he said, still very quiet. Which was a blessing, in a way, maybe. There hadn't been any time for proper goodbyes, and he would never forget the way his heart wrenched when he shook her, trying to keep her awake, but ... maybe that was the best way to go. Quickly. "She asked me if I was okay." The corner of his mouth twitched. It had just been so ... Lullaby, he wouldn't ever let go of that, either.

Sean smiled a little. He'd only met the girl the once, but he could see that. "I would have liked to get to know her better - she seemed like a nice lass. I'm sorry Joshua - for everything. You shouldn't have to go through all of this. Nobody ever should."

"She was," Joshua confirmed, feeling that little stab that was going to come with referring to her in the past tense for a while. He started to stand up, still being careful, even though Sean had swept and everything. He nodded his appreciation to the rest of it, but didn't really have anything to add. 'It's okay' still didn't apply, and he'd already told him that it wasn't his fault. There just ... wasn't really anything else.