Trying and Failing?

Who: Jordan and Herbert
When: Late afternoon – After school
Where: Trowbridge park

The only reason Jordan knew what day it was, was because she’d had school today and that meant it was a weekday. Time seemed to just pass so strangely since Devon had died. She wasn’t even sure she’d made it to all of her classes today. She was pretty sure this is what they normally call depression.

Jordan, not wanting to go home and listen to her mother worry over her- the comment last night about ‘seeing someone’ being the last straw- she went to the park instead and walked. She’d really not been to the park since… well she couldn’t remember the last time she’s been to the park. Jordan was dressed in her normal dark colors, black jeans, boots, button-up and Devon’s trench. Her book bag was draped over her shoulder and her hands shoved deep in her pockets. As she walked her eyes ran along the trail, they were red (had been for a few days) but her tears were long gone.

On his way home from walking Sammy home from school, a rather less depressed, but certainly down, werebear came coasting along one of the bicycle paths through Trowbridge, tires aimed for Tourville. He wished there was more he could do for the raven-boys, but what was there? All he could do was be there for them, it seemed like, even if he wasn't even sure they'd need or want him to be. Just in case.

So while he wasn't in as dark a place as Jordan, he wasn't quite his happy self, either. The scent of her on the wind, though, made him look about and try to pinpoint her. He hadn't seen her in a few days-- weekend and tragedy had a way of doing that, really-- and the idea of seeing how she was doing was a good one. Thus, once he reckoned the direction, he turned the bicycle that way. It didn't take long until he was coming up behind her. "Hallo, Jordan," he said from a bit back, so he wouldn't startled her just suddenly speaking from right behind or beside her, already slowing down in preparation for stopping next to her.

Jordan stopped and turned slowly to see who was calling her. When she saw Herbert she forced a small smile as she pulled her hand from her pocket and gave him a small wave. The lonely part of her was pleased to see him, but the stronger, depressed part wasn't.

The werebear coasted to a speed he could safely hop off at, then jogged the last couple steps until he reached her. His smile was a bit bigger, though admittedly not as bright as it could have been. She didn't look so happy, herself, far's he could tell-- so, of course, he asked, to make sure. It was what you usually asked anyway, after all. "How are you? How've you been?"

Jordan nodded. "I'm surviving." Kinda. "How are you?" She asked, Jordan was starting to look a little paler than normal, but with the dark clothes she always wore it was hard to tell. It had been a week since she'd fed, and she had no intention of feeding again. She wasn't exactly sure what would happen, but she did know that she was sort of already feeling a little ill.

"Stressed out, which is really pretty strange, seeing as I don't do stressed out very often," Herbert sighed. He did reach over to put a hand on her shoulder, getting a good, surreptitious scenting in as he did so. She didn't smell terrible good, kind of... empty-ish. Less like energy and more like mist. Did that mean she was still sad?

Well, of course she was still sad, but.... Rrr, he didn't know what it meant. It just didn't smell good. He dropped his hand, seeing as he knew she didn't much like touching now, even though he felt like he ought to be giving her a hug. He just didn't really want her to start crying all over him again. "Didn't see you at school today. You hiding a bit?" Not that he'd looked terribly hard, seeing as when he was thinking about bad things at all, it was Sammy and Geo's house, not Jordan's dead friend.

Jordan shrugged a bit. “Not seeking anyone out.” She responded. ‘Hiding’ wasn’t really the word for it, Jordan was pretty good at being invisible when she didn’t want to be around people. She just had to stay near walls, keep her head down in class, not visit the populated places (which helped that she knew quite a few of the places to go where there were no people); it was kinda something she already did, she just branched it out to people she knew as well- which wasn’t many. Jordan was pretty sure that half the school probably, honestly, had no idea who she was- except for maybe as ‘that dead jocks goth girlfriend’.

"You should, maybe," Herbert suggested, his voice warm. "It might make you feel better." As he'd told Peyton that morning, he really didn't like that everyone was on edge and waiting for the next bad thing, but it was a little more bearable since they were all waiting for it together, and they could share that waiting. Talk about it. Be there for each other during it. That sort of thing.

“Don’t have many I would.” Chance was dealing in his own way and she knew how he could get and just didn’t want to bother him only to feel worse afterward. Other than him, Herbert was the only person she talked to and she felt a little bad about dumping on him- besides it really wasn’t that she needed to vent, or rant, or dump, or anything like that. She just… well… didn’t want to be all cheerful.

"Oh." Herbert blinked a bit at that, not entirely sure what to say. "I bet there's people who you could go to, if you wanted." Maybe she didn't even know about them, or just assumed they wouldn't be willing to deal with her being sad. She certainly hadn't come to him at all-- though maybe she preferred it that way. Not everybody was like Herbert himself, he knew that well enough. "Though I guess if you're happier not, that's fine, too.... Everybody's different."

“I don’t… No one would understand.” She half mumbled. Jordan felt bad about giving Herbert the cold shoulder, he’d only ever been nice to her. She wasn’t a cruel person, just more a solitary one (at least recently).

"I dunno about that," Herbert said gently, ducking his head a little to try and catch her eyes. He wasn't going to be brushed off that easily, not yet anyway. "There's other people as lost people they care about recently.... Might not be exactly the same, but you're not entirely alone, either. Not unless you wanna be, eh?" He offered her an encouraging smile.

How many others are the exact reason that those they've lost are gone? "It's not... not all of it." Jordan had tried for a long time, at least part of her had, figure out another reason behind what happened to Devon, but she'd just been fooling herself. She was dangerous. She could kill very easily. In one of her mothers one on one attempts to console her she'd let it slip that she'd done the same thing in the past when she was young, but her 'victim' hadn't lived nearly as long as Devon had... she tried to tell her how lucky she was that Devon didn't die within the first month like he should probably have. Jordan's mother didn't help.

"What else is there?" Herbert asked, trying to do it kindly. "That you still worry that it was your fault? I think everyone worries that, whether they were actually involved or not." He was pretty sure Sammy and Geo both wondered if the fire was somehow their fault, or if they could have some something else, better, different, and their parents would still be alive. His pa had wondered that now and then, Herbert had heard him-- for a moment the memory of overhearing him talking to himself about that very thing was clear and oddly near to him, but he blinked it off and smiled again at her, trying to look reassuring. "And I'm still pretty firmly on the 'not your fault' side, myself, anyway."

But it was. "That's what people keep telling me." Jordan looked to the ground and re-shoved her hand into her pocket. "But I'm dangerous." She could kill people, and it wasn't even hard to do- she could even go as far to say it felt good, and natural.

"Only if you wanna be," Herbert countered gently. "Spirits bless, I'm dangerous, but I can keep it in check, you know?" Not that he'd told her about the werebearness, but a big, strong guy was capable of being dangerous, half animal or not. Of course, throw in that he hadn't shifted since he'd bitten that vampire's head off, and he could sort of see where she was coming from. Maybe it'd help if he told her that.

"I thought I could." She replied in a whisper, pulled the coat together and wrapping it around her without pulling her hands from her pockets. Things had seemed so much easier before, now they were so complicated. Jordan wasn't sure what would happen to her now that she stopped 'feeding'. Her mother didn't seem to know exactly either except that it's something that she 'should never do'.

"Have you hurt anyone since?" Herbert asked reasonably. If she'd hurt someone once, and not done the thing that hurt that someone again, seemed like she could control it just fine, to him. Especially if it wasn't a life-or-death situation, then, where you couldn't exactly do it over without it being an emergency to see if you'd do the same thing. He was starting to think he probably ought to tell her about himself and the vampire thing, maybe it would help.

"I did more than hurt." She muttered, shrugging a little. "I don't know... I really don't know. I don't think so... but I didn't think so before either. I know people get tired... maybe I do hurt them a little every time, it's just on the inside." Jordan really had no idea what her 'feeding' -really- did to people, as far as she knew she could be stealing minutes, or even years off their lives.

Yeah, bearness might need to be talked about, he thought. "Come sit with me," Herbert suggested, changing the subject to her point of view, probably. "I promised you my secret in return for yours, and I never got 'round to telling you." He beckoned her after him off the path and onto the grass a little ways off, leaning his bicycle against a tree.

Jordan followed, not really sure what to expect from him. She had no guess what his secret could be, for all she knew he was some actual vampire or demon or angel or something- after all if she could exist.. They could as well right?

Once he was sitting comfortably enough in the damp grass, she'd joined him, and he was as certain as a talented nose and pair of ears could be that they were alone, Herbert gave her a lop-sided smile and said, "I'm a werebear. Kinda like a werewolf-- only without the evil wanting-to-kill-people thing, and being a bear instead of a wolf." And now the moment of truth: what would she think, say, or do? He didn't doubt that she would believe him, given she was predisposed to believing in such things, and he'd been told more than once that it wasn't much of a surprise.

Jordan blinked at him a couple of times, her face on the expressionless side and nodded once. "Huh."

Shifting a little, feeling a bit awkward, Herbert said, "I mean, I know it's weird, but... I like it." Most of the time. When he wasn't biting vampire heads off. He winced at his own thought, shook his head, and said, more quietly, "I... killed someone, too." He knew people kept telling him it was something, not someone, but he really couldn't make that distinction when that something spoke and reasoned and just happened to be kind of dead already.

His being a werebear wasn't a bad thing, it just confirmed her suspicion that this world really was just fucked up. But when he said he'd killed someone she looked up at him, “You did?”

Herbert nodded miserably, looking at the grass. "One of the vampires. The real ones, I mean, who were making such a mess of the city. I... bit his head off. It was the only way to kill them, I guess." It'd been how long now? A week and a half? And he was still tasting that horrible, coppery taste every time he brought it up. Every time he even thought of it. And he still hadn't shifted back into his bear form, which he normally would've done at least every couple days.

“Oh.” Jordan said looking down to the grass. Knowing Herbert he probably felt terrible about it, but based on what was probably happening at the time- considering it was happening all over the city- he probably didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t quite the same, at least she felt it not to be. She’d slowly killed the guy she loved, he hadn’t done anything to her but love her.

That hadn't gone quite as Herbert had expected. She was... pretty much silent. Not that he'd really had much of an idea of where the conversation was going, but still: he'd hoped for a little more than that. "So... I mean, you're not the only one. I do at least kinda know how you feel...."

Jordan nodded, she didn’t want to hurt Herbert and tell him what she was feeling about the whole thing, so she pulled on a fake smile and looked up to him. “Yea… thanks… Thank you for sharing… I know it was probably really hard.” She tried to sound sincere but she was afraid she wasn’t coming off that way.

Most of the time, Herbert was ready and willing to take people at face value, not assume they were lying or somehow fooling him-- but it was hard to overlook someone flat-out lying when you could hear their muscles tensing, their heartbeat skip, and their breathing change. Kind of like right now. He tried not to look too disappointed or unhappy, but like Jordan, he was pretty sure he didn't do such a good job. The only real thing he could think of to maybe make her feel better, feel less alone, and it hadn't helped. "You'll be okay," he told her. "It just might... take a while." And he hoped to the spirits he was right, because that meant maybe there'd be hope for him, too.

"I hope so." Which wasn't a lie. "I just can't do it again." She said softly, Jordan was now speaking more to herself than to him.

Herbert cocked his head at her, unable to help hearing that. "Well, if you're careful, you definitely won't," he answered, assuming she meant killing somebody. He wished he could make the same assertion about himself, but only she had that kind of luck. A single mistake, aand she'd learned her lesson-- even if it had a horrible consequence, she'd never do that again. He could make no such promises, and he knew it.

Jordan nodded slowly, there was only one way to be sure. "Yea, easy." She said replied flatly. After taking in a deep breath and letting it out she looked up to Herbert. "Sorry I'm such a downer."

That didn't sound quite as encouraging as Herbert had expected her to take it. He watched her with worry evident on his face. "It's okay. I'd only expect it. I just...." Wish I could do something to help. Anything. He hated watching people be sad. His voice trailed off without finishing, but she cold probably guess what was unspoken.

Jordan nodded again. "I guess I just have to get through it." She said, that's what everyone'd told her. Jordan looked back to Herbert and put on that weak smile again. "Thank you for sharing... really." This time it sounded more honest.

Except it didn't help any. Herbert managed to keep in a regretful sigh. "Were you on your way anywhere, or do you want me to walk you home?" It was only polite to offer.

Jordan shook her head. "No, I'm just... gonna wander a bit still... but thanks." She said, pushing herself up slowly. She still had no will to go home yet. "I'll see you at school."

Standing up, too, so he could give her a hand, Herbert said, "All right. Don't hide so much... come see me sometime, eh?"

Jordan nodded slowly. "Yea." At least when things got better... if. She took a few steps back, casually wiping off her clothes and gave him a little wave before heading down the path without another word. Despite it all, it was nice to see Herbert and have him share with her- she just couldn't admit that right now.

The werebear looked after her helplessly until she disappeared into the park trees, then he retrieved his bicycle and started walking up the path the other way, towards Tourville. He was going straight home and... doing something else, that had nothing to do with anything. No vampires, no grieving girls, no death.

And he was going to brush his teeth again.